• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

Dear Gaf, im struggling.....

INC

Member
hah, its different for everyone. Doubt yours had borderline or you wouldnt have lasted 20 years.

Tbh I really don't know anymore, for all I know I could been fucked over for years, and not realised

I have had old girl mates all of sudden come back to see if I ok (in a non sexual way I might add) all saying I'm not a cunt, so maybe I was just a huge mug, which in itself is a hard thing to swallow.....

Its al just a massive head fuck atm
 

INC

Member
Get rid of job before dog, use dog to get girl.

I have solutions for the dog at least, I just worry I cant give him th life he deserves, but I have a lot of help around me for that at least.

Day by day, I dont want to give him up

Who would

 

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
I have solutions for the dog at least, I just worry I cant give him th life he deserves, but I have a lot of help around me for that at least.

Day by day, I dont want to give him up
Then don't give him up. When you're miserable and life shits on you it's easy to get into a self-destructive mindset where you view everything in the world as better off without you. But your dog doesn't see it that way. Neither should you.
 

TheInfamousKira

Reseterror Resettler
Hang tough, OP. It's not the end of the world, or as surreal as it seems, though it probably feels that way. Sounds cliché, but you truly never know what's right around the corner or what you've been establishing for years absent mindedly. I was engaged and had two children with my ex, we were together for years, and one day it all went to hell. Spent the better part of five years struggling to remember who I was without that constant part of my life defining me. Made bad decisions, fell into ruts, but at the end of the day, came up stronger than I've ever been, AND I'm in a serious relationship with my best friend of ten years, so...don't look down on things for too long and miss looking at what's around you. You got this.
 
Have you noticed any positive things that you wouldn't normally see if you're married? Being single's very liberating once you get used to it.

Sorry, I'm not the one to ask about relationships; haven't been in one for a long time. I would love to hear more about your life, though!

Also, I wouldn't adopt the dog. I feel the air of negativity is clouding your judgment and you might regret it later down the road.
 
Last edited:

nush

Member
2 years! Oh god...........

Took my 4 months after my divorce (I'd mentally and emotionally checked out long before that) to get a new girlfriend, very attractive, happy positive person and ten years younger. But for real I was thinking like you are just before that. So hang in there, don't underestimate yourself.

Also bonus truck load of salt from the ex wife when she found out a year later as I kept that relationship off her radar who's still as far as I know single.
 

DadEggs

Member
Just take it one day at a time.

youre going through multiple significant life changes right now. Take as much time as you need. Cut yourself some slack.

no matter how bad it seems right now, and feel that it wont get better. Know that it will 100% get better.

you just need time to cope and grow
 

BigBooper

Member
There's a reason grieving periods after a death is a thing. It takes time to get over these things, and the times are different for everyone. I hope you find peace soon.
 

Durask

Member
I know this is a gaming forum, but sometimes faceless opinions help

So recently my wife left me, we had been together for nearly 20 years, and im finding it extremely difficult to move on.

I would look at this as an opportunity to meet new women. :messenger_savoring:

Don't YOU want a change?
 
Last edited:

dcll

Banned
There is nothing really good to say in times like this but you will be ok and can be happy again. I lost my wife to suicide a few years ago and believe me I was in some low and bad spots. You will have many dark days and think things will never be ok again but you will adjust and adapt. Don’t sit around and do nothing, try to get outside and do stuff even if just walking but keep your mind active
 
Last edited:

KiNeMz

Banned
This is your life now. We all have a moment in time where it can all come crashing down. You can crash head on into it or use its momentum to take you to greater places.

Time to own this point in time as yours. Its full of possibility. Be thankful for where its brought you. Time to take life by the horns, its yours and yours to do as you wish.

(I always recommend Brazilian Jiu jitsu) It changes lives.

You have the ability to be fine. Choice is yours.
 

HawarMiran

Member
I know this is a gaming forum, but sometimes faceless opinions help

So recently my wife left me, we had been together for nearly 20 years, and im finding it extremely difficult to move on.

What makes it worse is before she left, out relationship seems to of turned a corner and we were really starting to be extremely happy, our relationship seemed fun and loving, and then bam, she leaves.

Really struggling to cope, I've tried everything to be positive, and put a brave face on everything in life, but I really don't know how to move forward

On top of that, we have a dog, who is with me, but now due to my job, its looking like I may have to give him up as well, my job may also not be secure, so it feels like I've almost lost everything in the space of a month, when a month ago I thought my life had finally started to all fit into place.

People say i just need time, which i understand, but I'm the wrong side of 35, and not sure what my future even holds. I've had moments of weakness where I've had to watched because they feared for my safety.

I know I'm a piss taker on here, and generally try to have a laugh and not take shit seriously. But I'm at a massive cross roads in my life, and i feel completely lost

Feel free to rinse me, its all good, but I genuinely don't know what to do, or where to turn.

Ps: yeh yeh its a gaming forum, but sometimes being anonymous and hearing a detached opinion can help u see shit for a different PoV

I'm really lost

"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change."

Listen to Aang my man
 

Northeastmonk

Gold Member
I wouldn’t be at a loss. Someone got the best of your emotions. They hurt you. The best thing to do is completely remove them from your life and your mind. Stop thinking about them. Yesterday is gone and focus on the present. That person doesn’t care where you are now, tomorrow, or ten years from now. Don’t let her be the hill that you die on. What I would do is work on making your life better and let go of those emotions. Your life could restart tomorrow. You don’t know until you try.
 

zeorhymer

Member
Do you have kids? Did you want kids? Just take some time to collect yourself and re-center. Get some stability back with a new job and new place to get settled. The more established you are, the better the dating pool you get.
 

Gankthenew

Member
As long as she doesn't have a new relationship, you have a chance.
I really know how you feel now bro,but you must take the time to get back into shape to get back together.Do what you do at the begining of this relationship to chase .She might be cold at the first , keep clam and kind,remember never shout or hit her ,I believe you can do it !
 

dispensergoinup

Gold Member
Stay strong, that all sounds brutal.

Been in kind of the same situation but we weren't married and it was only for a few years but it sucks all the same. Surround yourself with friends and family who care for you, the worst part for me was taking it all in alone. It was a pretty shit idea.
 

Peggies

Gold Member
Oh boy, it sounds like an extremely wicked situation you're in and honestly there's no quick way of getting over it.

You're allowed to feel like shit. It's totally normal and even healthy. People who get over something like that really easy are the weird ones. You should get drunk a lot (just not so much it gets a problem for your health or your job) and drown yourself in self pitty, licking your wounds - for a while.
But then the healing process will start and you will rise like the beautiful phoenix you are (
).

Focus on the really important things right now: keeping your doggo and keeping your job.

Loosing a wife after 20 years is heart-rending but from what you told, it's her loss. She seems to have some ridiculous midlife crisis and will sooner or later regret her selfish shitty behaviour but then it'll be to late and you can laugh in her face.

Till then: try to keep it together but give yourself all the time you need! You may even want to talk a professional. Maybe some prescribed happy-pills will help you sleep or manage the pain. Oh and please keep us up to date. Talking about shit like that helps a lot!

We love you :messenger_blowing_kiss:
 

Peggies

Gold Member
As long as she doesn't have a new relationship, you have a chance.
I really know how you feel now bro,but you must take the time to get back into shape to get back together.Do what you do at the begining of this relationship to chase .She might be cold at the first , keep clam and kind,remember never shout or hit her ,I believe you can do it !
"Never hit her"

Michael Buble Check GIF by bubly
 

INC

Member
@everyone who reached out in this thread and PMs

You're all a beautiful bunch of human beings, I honestly mean that, and it genuinely helped me last night

Its still a fucked up situation, but I'm starting to realise its not all me

I'll keep you updated

To answer some of the random questions in here, no we didn't have kids, she couldn't have kids, we went through IVF a few times, didn't work, so I just throw the idea of being a dad in the ocean, one of the last things she said to me was "well at least y can have kids now........." yeh cheers for that lol

Yes its perfect timing for bf2042

No I would never hit any female, I wasn't brought up like that, I have knocked myself out, to not raise my hand to her, I'm pretty good at that (I know that's fucked up lol)

Yes I am gonna focus on me, taken up golf, getting back into bouldering now, and kickboxing starts this week for the first time, I have my music production I can really focus on as well.

Read through all these message has really helped

I thank you all truly from the bottom of my heart, lots of decent people in here

Xx
 

GymWolf

Gold Member
Just remember that you are still pretty young to start a new life, my cousin and collegue was in your situation many years ago and now he has a new wife and he is happy, and he was 45 when his wife leave him.
 

Maiden Voyage

Gold™ Member
2 years! Oh god...........
Just enough time to get swole af
There is nothing really good to say in times like this but you will be ok and can be happy again. I lost my wife to suicide a few years ago and believe me I was in some low and bad spots. You will have many dark days and think things will never be ok again but you will adjust and adapt. Don’t sit around and do nothing, try to get outside and do stuff even if just walking but keep your mind active
Damn, man. Sorry to hear this but I am glad you made it through the difficult times.
 

Fools idol

Member
Sounds like you hit rock bottom buddy. I've been there... the problem with breakups is they make you get tunnel vision. It's really hard to see out of the tunnel you have lived in for 20 years with someone.. like others have said that shit takes time to feel 'better'.

Back to the rock bottom part, once you hit that, the only way is up.. my other advice would be, try and meet someone new and dont hold back. Getting to know a new girl now will feel amazing, and you will get over old feelings much quicker. At your age? plenty of younger fish out there who like older dudes, thats always been the way. I had a great time after my breakup once I got over that hump and hesitation.

In the mean time, enjoy the freedom, get yourself a new job before you get rid of the good boye, and yeah, dont beat yourself up.
 
Hang in there, dude. Seems like a lot of us here (myself included) are middle-aged and feeling like we're at a crossroads in life. Also, keep that cute as shit dog for sure. Unconditional love from a pet is one of the best things ever.

P.S. - This forum rocks, even if it is full of a bunch of dirty PlayStation fans responsible for the death of SEGA.

As an aside, the reason it seemed like things were getting better and the relationship was "turning a corner", was because she had made her decision to leave.
I was going to write the same thing. Suicidal people act the same way often before death as they are happy that it will all end soon. Gotta keep fighting.
 
Last edited:

8bitpill

Member
You spent more of your life with her than without her, It's more than reasonable that you're going to be hit hard with this because she was a "pillar" in your life.

It takes a lot to put yourself out on a public forum and thankfully you have a lot of people that care about you on here.

Like a lot of others said it will get better with time, and when it rains it pours.

You and I are in the same age bracket, I couldn't imagine my wife just up and calling it quits. We have a soon to be five year old daughter, a print business together and just bought our "rooted" home last year. I know if we split I would just be in the fetal position for weeks on end.

One of the best things to do is to keep busy, being depressed and idle leads to a dark road. It reads like you're already making that effort.

Here is a music suggestion that hit close to home for this and might uplift you,

Trevor Something,
https://trevorsomething.bandcamp.com

Hook ups, break ups, drugs(don't suggest going down that road), sex, living life.

When you're ready try dating again, random hook ups, flings. The dating landscape is way different from when we were teenagers and young adults. My friend that is my age (38) is a bachelor and just throwing his dick around with any girl that matches with him. He has been looking for someone because he wants to start a family, but causal flings and just enjoying it till he finds someone.

I look forward to seeing future post from you about how happy you're once you get past all of that.
 

Toots

Member
I have nothing to say that will lessen the heartache, but even if you are on the « wrong side of 35 » (which make you the right side of 40), you’ll still find another woman whom you’ll love (i bet even more than your ex wife) don’t worry about it!
i bet my balls on it ! (Please don’t let me down)
 

MachRc

Member
These are all great advices INC! Followed all of them!
I too have gone through and lived through a divorce when I was 35 w/ 2 kids.
Im 40 now and even with child alienation and a whole lot of bullshit (DCFS/children's court, family court, child support court, fuck its reallly bad)
I am the most happiest I have been in my life.

I am remarried(can you believe that chet!), dont have to deal with a narcissist, I am loved, and you will be too.
I feel bad because i couldnt reply early enough to let you know I care. Ill even start posting some more songs in DNB thread just for you.

Drink down your feelings, its okay. It took me a long time to get over my breakup and divorce. She was my everything, the mother of my children.
Being in a empty house alone without my children or my wife. Every minute was eternity and i could not go to sleep.
So Its okay to go through the process. I cried, drank alot of tequila, still smoked weed, but initially it just intensified my sorrows.
I dont know if there is a group in your area, but I joined meetup.com and got myself into a small boardgame group volleyball group and singles group.

Plus on the side I would hit up internet dating sites, I even hit up a bunch of random women on craigslist classified (too bad that doesnt exist anymore) and did everything🍆[eyes wide open]

Not to get into a relationship, but to pass time(make sure you tell em' that)


I made really good friends and on days I could have just been at home sulking, I was out playing mafia, or codenames, catan, you name it. and going out on dates after.
And I never saw myself as a boardgame nerd, but i now am one.

Like wrestling, make your story INC, its a tough one. True and real.
Champion yourself up those difficult mountains, work hard on yourself, go hiking while listening to sad music.
You will overcome , it make take time but you will get there. We can both sell our souls to the devil for riches and bitches, but dont believe in anything, but yourself
And when you do , and when youre a united states champion of yourself, you can look back and go, wow look at all the stuff I overcame.

And even then we will be here for you.

 
Top Bottom