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Worst place you have urgently needed to shit?

I think we have all been in this situation. You suddenly and urgently need to do numero dos and you are stuck somewhere you can’t do it. Be it in a car stuck in traffic, out and about walking with nothing as a toilet for miles etc.

My worst ones for me have always been commuting especially in the morning stuck on a bus or such where i can’t get off or such where I have to sit in panic and cold sweats trying to hold in until I can get off, and bum rush nearest toilet.
 

IDKFA

I am Become Bilbo Baggins
About ten years ago I just got made redundant, so to take a break from job hunting, I decided to take a long hike around the hills and country fields near my area.

I was walking through a farmer's field and urgently needed to shit. I saw a tree with a small bush close by and ran for it to drop my load. This wasn't a normal shit. This was a huge, light brown runny shit. The smell was so bad that it made me gag and I was sure it would kill tree and all life that was in close proximity.

I didn't have toilet paper, so had to wipe my ass with a newspaper that was in my backpack, which was a terrible idea as I ended up with newspaper ink and shit all over my ass, not to mention that I had to just throw the shitty paper on the ground. As I was wiping my shitty ass with a copy of the Telegraph, a man appeared in the filed, saw me wiping my ass and sprinted towards me. In a panic, I quickly pulled up my jeans and ran for it.

As I was running, I heard the man stop near the tree where I had polluted the earth with my foul toxins and screamed "you fucking dirty cunt!!!!!", but I didn't stop to look back. I just kept running until I was in the clear.
 
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anthony2690

Banned
About ten years ago I just got made redundant, so to take a break from job hunting, I decided to take a long hike around the hills and country fields near my area.

I was walking through a farmer's field and urgently needed to shit. I saw a tree with a small bush close by and ran for it to drop my load. This wasn't a normal shit. This was a huge, light brown runny shit. The smell was so bad that it made me gag and I was sure it would kill tree and all life that was in close proximity.

I didn't have toilet paper, so had to wipe my ass with a newspaper that was in my backpack, which was a terrible idea as I ended up with newspaper ink and shit all over my ass, not to mention that I had to just throw the shitty paper on the ground. As I was wiping my shitty ass with a copy of the Telegraph, a man appeared in the filed, saw me wiping my ass and sprinted towards me. In a panic, I quickly pulled up my jeans and ran for it.

As I was running, I heard the man stop near the tree where I had polluted the earth with my foul toxins and scream "you fucking dirty cunt!!!!!", but I didn't stop to look back. I just kept running until I was in the clear.
You fucking dirty cunt!!!!!

How funny would it be if that guy was a user on here and reads this 🤣🤣🤣
 
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About ten years ago I just got made redundant, so to take a break from job hunting, I decided to take a long hike around the hills and country fields near my area.

I was walking through a farmer's field and urgently needed to shit. I saw a tree with a small bush close by and ran for it to drop my load. This wasn't a normal shit. This was a huge, light brown runny shit. The smell was so bad that it made me gag and I was sure it would kill tree and all life that was in close proximity.

I didn't have toilet paper, so had to wipe my ass with a newspaper that was in my backpack, which was a terrible idea as I ended up with newspaper ink and shit all over my ass, not to mention that I had to just throw the shitty paper on the ground. As I was wiping my shitty ass with a copy of the Telegraph, a man appeared in the filed, saw me wiping my ass and sprinted towards me. In a panic, I quickly pulled up my jeans and ran for it.

As I was running, I heard the man stop near the tree where I had polluted the earth with my foul toxins and screamed "you fucking dirty cunt!!!!!", but I didn't stop to look back. I just kept running until I was in the clear.

Man those are the worst dumps and they are a sudden onset too without an alarm, you just feel your tummy “bubble” and it’s fucking go time.

Had one of those on a bus once and had to get of asap to bum rush anything semblance of a toilet.
 

nush

Gold Member
My ex wife would camp out in the bathroom for ages on her phone every time she went. As there was only one toilet in out house you can imagine the amount of times I had to bang on the door to get her to hurry up. Eventually she learned to let me know if she was going.

I'm going to the toilet now. Do you want to go first?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.

One time not ten minutes later I got the gut cramps and really needed to go badly. She had just asked and not wanting to have a big blow up (Because she was mental) I needed a solution to maintain the "Domestic bliss". It was during the daytime and the back of my house was overlooked by other houses, so dropping one in the garden was not an option.

So there I am grown ass man squatting down in my kitchen squirting foul liquid shit into a supermarket carrier bag, at least there were kitchen paper towels there for clean-up duties. I then dumped that bio hazard bag behind the shed. Now my kitchen smells like someone took a really nasty shit in it for some inexplicable reason. Fabreeze wasn't going to come to the rescue on this one.

So I made some toast and burnt it, I burnt it multiple times until it resembled Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Wife comes out the bathroom 30 minutes later.

What's that smell?

*Me sweating, can she smell shit still or burnt toast?* I burnt some toast.

Fucking idiot she goes, now the whole kitchen smells of burnt toast.

The perfect crime...
 

GymWolf

Member
Not in order:

In the place where i bought my first motorbike, i was about to sign the contract but my intestine was playing world war 3 in the mean time...it was a stinky one so they probably had to close the place for an hour or 2 to freshen the air again.

In open sea, i was in a boat, there is something cathartic in shitting while immersed in cold water with the waves gently caressing my naked butt, it was like eating a mint gum with my ass, so refreshing.

I was a child, 6 or 7 at best, my past dog was a bit aggressive with strangers, me and my best friend were playing in my condo when out of the blue (or brown) we both had the stimulus of taking a shit, but my dog was running free inside my house and my mother wasn't capable of catching him to keep him outside in the balcony (because my friend was scared to enter my house with the dog free to move around)so we decited to both take a dump in the upper part of a gas container abandoned outside of a garage, i had no problem with my dog of course, so i was just being a good friend to not make feel my friend like a filthy animal.
 
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MadAnon

Member
Well, one time I was heading home from university with a tram when suddenly major stomach pain kicked in and I felt a massive shit trying to get out. Those were the longest 40 minutes of my lifetime. It came in waves, and everytime that shit tried to escape my adrenaline went through the roof while I was clenching those cheeks with all I got. So there I was sitting, fighting to save my dignity while others were chilling not even suspecting what's happening. Besides, I had to walk additional 500m to my flat. I was running like I had a stick shoved up my ass. Couldn't care less what others thought. I was focused on getting home and not shit my pants. Every second mattered but once I got home and sat on the bowl it was the best feeling ever. It was the biggest diarrhea ever. Even the smell couldn't ruin that great feeling of emptying myself of that monster. Felt like some excorsism.

I was few meteres away from shitting myself in public but it was a happy ending.
 
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lifa-cobex

Member
During the height of the pandemic whilst everywhere was locked down.
I was a bearer at a funeral care company. We had a big service that day where a husband past away and two days later his wife did. The family had organized a double funeral.

This funeral was an absolute pain as it was a church service taking place in a small village. Everybody knew them. The family wanted the hearses and limbos to go around the hot spots the couple used to frequent. I.e where they met, where they had dates, dancing etc etc.
Fortunately I wasn't a driver that day so I had all the easy roles (maybe not so fortunate). Get to the church beforehand and make sure everything is set up right.
As it was a large funeral, it was myself and three others doing these tasks and one of my co-workers actually lived in said village. We had a long wait at the church for everyone to arrive so my co-worker invites us around to his where his wife would make us
some cappuccinos :messenger_grimmacing_.
I had not drunk a cappuccino for many years but for some reason I couldn't remember why.......

30 Minutes go by and we head back to the church, do a final check and then line up ready for the convoy to arrive. About a minute after I had lined up, my stomach immediately starts doing flips.
Then like a vision for god I remember why I don't drink these brews that the devil had spawned. It gives me explosive diarrhea.
I start sweating and panicking. I look down the road and see no sign of the convoy yet. I quickly head into church and ask the very old and very slow priest if I can use his toilet.
He bumbles around for a few minutes looking for the key to the outside (very dilapidated and teaming with spiders) toilet. "ohh i'm not sure where the key is oohhh ohhh".
I quickly look outside and the convoy had just turned the corner and was heading up. "fuck"
I get back inline and cast away my nihilist attitude by praying to what ever god is around that I don't shit my pants in the middle of this service.

Hearses and limbos pull up. Everybody bows bar myself. I'm not risking that. The other bearers proceed to take the flowers out of the hearses and take them into the church. Not me.
I'm not fucking moving until I absolutely have to. Not until that dreaded moment where I have to put a coffin on my shoulder and walk inside. This will be my moment of men from the boys.
I might also add that the other bearers have noticed there is something wrong with me. They keep giving me odd looks. One of them keeps asking what the matter is. I'm stone cold silent. Buddhist monks would envy my concentration.
It's game time. We take the coffin out from the hearse, lift it on our shoulders and link arms.

By this point i'm dripping in sweat. My stomach is going nuts and very audible.
We begin to walk. Me and the bearer I've linked with are at the feet end of the coffin (The front) so we (or I should say i'm) setting the pace of how we walk. It was not a slow respectable pace.
We get up the yard and to the church doorway. I can see the Funeral Director wasn't happy. By this point I think the other bearers have figured out what the matter is.
Now I have to walk slow as the FD is in front and setting the pace.
Every god dame step felt like a life time. I'm gushing in sweat now. It's dripping off me. My ass is holding a Kraken and it wants out. I'm practically going blind by how tense I was.
We get about three quarters down the aisle and horror hits. Something had happened down their. Nothing to be noticed by others yet. But I know something has happened. Either that is sweat going down my leg or......

We get to the alter.
Now normally you would place the coffin on some stands and place the flowers around it. Make sure everything is right. Wait until the FD is ready and we would all bow in unison. Not today chum.
We place the coffin down. I 180 spin on my heel, walk around the aisle and immediately head for the door. I'm outside. I'm eyeing up grave stones and bushes. Morals and dignity are for better people than I at this point.
There are other people outside who can't come into church because of fucking covid.
I spy a pub a little ways down the road. Of course it's going to be closed. That feeling and sensation is getting much worse by this point. I'm holding on for dear life.

I take off in a mad dash down the road. I've got a good 40 mins to sort this red alert situation before I have to go back into the church.
I start hammering on the pub door like a psycho. "let me in, let me in, let me in. Please god you've got to let me in."
Eric Andre GIF


Like a fucking Angel a woman appear leaning out of an upstairs window. "Are you OK lovie?"
I plead with her to let me use her fertilitys. She can see i'm in pain. Anyone could by this point. I looked a fucking mess.
She hurry's down to let me in and directs me to the toilets.

I destroyed that toilet. I think I lost a stone in just 30 seconds. I felt like I needed an I.V drip.
Thank fuck the pub was closed as I need that toilet to myself. It was a fucking massacre in their.
Pant's are ruined.
Mess down my leg.
Bad smell.
All the general horrors you can think of for that general situation.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could using the sink (basically having a bath in it), toilet roll and soaps at hand.
It looked like a murder had taken place. I felt so bloody guilty. I went out and explained to the landlady what had happened and profusely apologized.
She bursts out laughing and says don't worry about it. She says she hates her cleaner anyways. She then offers me a pint. "Could I just get a water please".
That woman was a gift from fucking god.




edit: Facilities :messenger_expressionless:
 
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nush

Gold Member
The World's End in Camden. - The shitter in Trainspotting has NOTHING on the Gary's in the Underworld.

Expanding the topic to worst toilets...

I had to go for a shit badly in a factory floor workers toilet of a 40 year old Chinese sweatshop factory. There was a customer/manager VIP toilet but the cleaner had gone to lunch and taken the key with them.

So I go in and as it's hot and humid being the middle of summer in the south of China. I'm hit with this eye stinging atmosphere of pure ammonia. Then these toilets are all squat toilets as well. The wooden doors on each stall are rotting off the hinges and everything is caked with a yellow/ brown tinge. The locks on the stalls have long rotted off. There's no toilet paper and never was, but I was prepared for that and had a pack of small restaurant paper napkins ready in advance.

People in China also don't flush toilet paper as it blocks the pipes, so there's a small wastebasket in the stall overflowing with shit streaked used paper. Fortunately the stench of ammonia means I'm unable to smell that.

Then as I'm squatting there regretting both my life choices as much as whatever exotic Chinese food I'd eaten for lunch I look up and see a thickly cobweb covered birdcage hanging from the ceiling on the bottom of the cage are the cobweb covered skeletal remains of an air quality safety canary pulling a years long overtime shift to let everybody know that the air in this toilet, really isn't healthy.
 
During the height of the pandemic whilst everywhere was locked down.
I was a bearer at a funeral care company. We had a big service that day where a husband past away and two days later his wife did. The family had organized a double funeral.

This funeral was an absolute pain as it was a church service taking place in a small village. Everybody knew them. The family wanted the hearses and limbos to go around the hot spots the couple used to frequent. I.e where they met, where they had dates, dancing etc etc.
Fortunately I wasn't a driver that day so I had all the easy roles (maybe not so fortunate). Get to the church beforehand and make sure everything is set up right.
As it was a large funeral, it was myself and three others doing these tasks and one of my co-workers actually lived in said village. We had a long wait at the church for everyone to arrive so my co-worker invites us around to his where his wife would make us
some cappuccinos :messenger_grimmacing_.
I had not drunk a cappuccino for many years but for some reason I couldn't remember why.......

30 Minutes go by and we head back to the church, do a final check and then line up ready for the convoy to arrive. About a minute after I had lined up, my stomach immediately starts doing flips.
Then like a vision for god I remember why I don't drink these brews that the devil had spawned. It gives me explosive diarrhea.
I start sweating and panicking. I look down the road and see no sign of the convoy yet. I quickly head into church and ask the very old and very slow priest if I can use his toilet.
He bumbles around for a few minutes looking for the key to the outside (very dilapidated and teaming with spiders) toilet. "ohh i'm not sure where the key is oohhh ohhh".
I quickly look outside and the convoy had just turned the corner and was heading up. "fuck"
I get back inline and cast away my nihilist attitude by praying to what ever god is around that I don't shit my pants in the middle of this service.

Hearses and limbos pull up. Everybody bows bar myself. I'm not risking that. The other bearers proceed to take the flowers out of the hearses and take them into the church. Not me.
I'm not fucking moving until I absolutely have to. Not until that dreaded moment where I have to put a coffin on my shoulder and walk inside. This will be my moment of men from the boys.
I might also add that the other bearers have noticed there is something wrong with me. They keep giving me odd looks. One of them keeps asking what the matter is. I'm stone cold silent. Buddhist monks would envy my concentration.
It's game time. We take the coffin out from the hearse, lift it on our shoulders and link arms.

By this point i'm dripping in sweat. My stomach is going nuts and very audible.
We begin to walk. Me and the bearer I've linked with are at the feet end of the coffin (The front) so we (or I should say i'm) setting the pace of how we walk. It was not a slow respectable pace.
We get up the yard and to the church doorway. I can see the Funeral Director wasn't happy. By this point I think the other bearers have figured out what the matter is.
Now I have to walk slow as the FD is in front and setting the pace.
Every god dame step felt like a life time. I'm gushing in sweat now. It's dripping off me. My ass is holding a Kraken and it wants out. I'm practically going blind by how tense I was.
We get about three quarters down the aisle and horror hits. Something had happened down their. Nothing to be noticed by others yet. But I know something has happened. Either that is sweat going down my leg or......

We get to the alter.
Now normally you would place the coffin on some stands and place the flowers around it. Make sure everything is right. Wait until the FD is ready and we would all bow in unison. Not today chum.
We place the coffin down. I 180 spin on my heel, walk around the aisle and immediately head for the door. I'm outside. I'm eyeing up grave stones and bushes. Morals and dignity are for better people than I at this point.
There are other people outside who can't come into church because of fucking covid.
I spy a pub a little ways down the road. Of course it's going to be closed. That feeling and sensation is getting much worse by this point. I'm holding on for dear life.

I take off in a mad dash down the road. I've got a good 40 mins to sort this red alert situation before I have to go back into the church.
I start hammering on the pub door like a psycho. "let me in, let me in, let me in. Please god you've got to let me in."
Eric Andre GIF


Like a fucking Angel a woman appear leaning out of an upstairs window. "Are you OK lovie?"
I plead with her to let me use her fertilitys. She can see i'm in pain. Anyone could by this point. I looked a fucking mess.
She hurry's down to let me in and directs me to the toilets.

I destroyed that toilet. I think I lost a stone in just 30 seconds. I felt like I needed an I.V drip.
Thank fuck the pub was closed as I need that toilet to myself. It was a fucking massacre in their.
Pant's are ruined.
Mess down my leg.
Bad smell.
All the general horrors you can think of for that general situation.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could using the sink (basically having a bath in it), toilet roll and soaps at hand.
It looked like a murder had taken place. I felt so bloody guilty. I went out and explained to the landlady what had happened and profusely apologized.
She bursts out laughing and says don't worry about it. She says she hates her cleaner anyways. She then offers me a pint. "Could I just get a water please".
That woman was a gift from fucking god.

I’m impressed you made it through all of this without shitting your pants 😅 I’m not sure I could’ve made it through all of this.. I would’ve made a mad dash to nearest bush and squatted there.
 
Well, one time I was heading home from university with a tram when suddenly major stomach pain kicked in and I felt a massive shit trying to get out. Those were the longest 40 minutes of my lifetime. It came in waves, and everytime that shit tried to escape my adrenaline went through the roof while I was clenching those cheeks with all I got. So there I was sitting, fighting to save my dignity while others were chilling not even suspecting what's happening. Besides, I had to walk additional 500m to my flat. I was running like I had a stick shoved up my ass. Couldn't care less what others thought. I was focused on getting home and not shit my pants. Every second mattered but once I got home and sat on the bowl it was the best feeling ever. It was the biggest diarrhea ever. Even the smell couldn't ruin that great feeling of emptying myself of that monster. Felt like some excorsism.

I was few meteres away from shitting myself in public but it was a happy ending.

Yeah I would’ve tried getting off instead looking for nearest possible restaurant, cafe or such and ran there. One of the worst feelings in the world is the sudden onrush of diarrhea at these instances.. anxiety, cold sweats etc 😅
 

JimmyRustler

Gold Member
I have a little circle that I walk off when I go out for a stroll here. Takes me around an hour usually.

30 minutes in last year I somehow got diarrhea… There are no bushes or so along the way and there are constantly people walking on the same path…

Looking back I‘m not sure how I made it back home without blasting my pants. It was agonizing.
 

GymWolf

Member
During the height of the pandemic whilst everywhere was locked down.
I was a bearer at a funeral care company. We had a big service that day where a husband past away and two days later his wife did. The family had organized a double funeral.

This funeral was an absolute pain as it was a church service taking place in a small village. Everybody knew them. The family wanted the hearses and limbos to go around the hot spots the couple used to frequent. I.e where they met, where they had dates, dancing etc etc.
Fortunately I wasn't a driver that day so I had all the easy roles (maybe not so fortunate). Get to the church beforehand and make sure everything is set up right.
As it was a large funeral, it was myself and three others doing these tasks and one of my co-workers actually lived in said village. We had a long wait at the church for everyone to arrive so my co-worker invites us around to his where his wife would make us
some cappuccinos :messenger_grimmacing_.
I had not drunk a cappuccino for many years but for some reason I couldn't remember why.......

30 Minutes go by and we head back to the church, do a final check and then line up ready for the convoy to arrive. About a minute after I had lined up, my stomach immediately starts doing flips.
Then like a vision for god I remember why I don't drink these brews that the devil had spawned. It gives me explosive diarrhea.
I start sweating and panicking. I look down the road and see no sign of the convoy yet. I quickly head into church and ask the very old and very slow priest if I can use his toilet.
He bumbles around for a few minutes looking for the key to the outside (very dilapidated and teaming with spiders) toilet. "ohh i'm not sure where the key is oohhh ohhh".
I quickly look outside and the convoy had just turned the corner and was heading up. "fuck"
I get back inline and cast away my nihilist attitude by praying to what ever god is around that I don't shit my pants in the middle of this service.

Hearses and limbos pull up. Everybody bows bar myself. I'm not risking that. The other bearers proceed to take the flowers out of the hearses and take them into the church. Not me.
I'm not fucking moving until I absolutely have to. Not until that dreaded moment where I have to put a coffin on my shoulder and walk inside. This will be my moment of men from the boys.
I might also add that the other bearers have noticed there is something wrong with me. They keep giving me odd looks. One of them keeps asking what the matter is. I'm stone cold silent. Buddhist monks would envy my concentration.
It's game time. We take the coffin out from the hearse, lift it on our shoulders and link arms.

By this point i'm dripping in sweat. My stomach is going nuts and very audible.
We begin to walk. Me and the bearer I've linked with are at the feet end of the coffin (The front) so we (or I should say i'm) setting the pace of how we walk. It was not a slow respectable pace.
We get up the yard and to the church doorway. I can see the Funeral Director wasn't happy. By this point I think the other bearers have figured out what the matter is.
Now I have to walk slow as the FD is in front and setting the pace.
Every god dame step felt like a life time. I'm gushing in sweat now. It's dripping off me. My ass is holding a Kraken and it wants out. I'm practically going blind by how tense I was.
We get about three quarters down the aisle and horror hits. Something had happened down their. Nothing to be noticed by others yet. But I know something has happened. Either that is sweat going down my leg or......

We get to the alter.
Now normally you would place the coffin on some stands and place the flowers around it. Make sure everything is right. Wait until the FD is ready and we would all bow in unison. Not today chum.
We place the coffin down. I 180 spin on my heel, walk around the aisle and immediately head for the door. I'm outside. I'm eyeing up grave stones and bushes. Morals and dignity are for better people than I at this point.
There are other people outside who can't come into church because of fucking covid.
I spy a pub a little ways down the road. Of course it's going to be closed. That feeling and sensation is getting much worse by this point. I'm holding on for dear life.

I take off in a mad dash down the road. I've got a good 40 mins to sort this red alert situation before I have to go back into the church.
I start hammering on the pub door like a psycho. "let me in, let me in, let me in. Please god you've got to let me in."
Eric Andre GIF


Like a fucking Angel a woman appear leaning out of an upstairs window. "Are you OK lovie?"
I plead with her to let me use her fertilitys. She can see i'm in pain. Anyone could by this point. I looked a fucking mess.
She hurry's down to let me in and directs me to the toilets.

I destroyed that toilet. I think I lost a stone in just 30 seconds. I felt like I needed an I.V drip.
Thank fuck the pub was closed as I need that toilet to myself. It was a fucking massacre in their.
Pant's are ruined.
Mess down my leg.
Bad smell.
All the general horrors you can think of for that general situation.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could using the sink (basically having a bath in it), toilet roll and soaps at hand.
It looked like a murder had taken place. I felt so bloody guilty. I went out and explained to the landlady what had happened and profusely apologized.
She bursts out laughing and says don't worry about it. She says she hates her cleaner anyways. She then offers me a pint. "Could I just get a water please".
That woman was a gift from fucking god.
I hope that is a typo and you really asked her to use their facilities...
 

Spaceman292

Banned
During the height of the pandemic whilst everywhere was locked down.
I was a bearer at a funeral care company. We had a big service that day where a husband past away and two days later his wife did. The family had organized a double funeral.

This funeral was an absolute pain as it was a church service taking place in a small village. Everybody knew them. The family wanted the hearses and limbos to go around the hot spots the couple used to frequent. I.e where they met, where they had dates, dancing etc etc.
Fortunately I wasn't a driver that day so I had all the easy roles (maybe not so fortunate). Get to the church beforehand and make sure everything is set up right.
As it was a large funeral, it was myself and three others doing these tasks and one of my co-workers actually lived in said village. We had a long wait at the church for everyone to arrive so my co-worker invites us around to his where his wife would make us
some cappuccinos :messenger_grimmacing_.
I had not drunk a cappuccino for many years but for some reason I couldn't remember why.......

30 Minutes go by and we head back to the church, do a final check and then line up ready for the convoy to arrive. About a minute after I had lined up, my stomach immediately starts doing flips.
Then like a vision for god I remember why I don't drink these brews that the devil had spawned. It gives me explosive diarrhea.
I start sweating and panicking. I look down the road and see no sign of the convoy yet. I quickly head into church and ask the very old and very slow priest if I can use his toilet.
He bumbles around for a few minutes looking for the key to the outside (very dilapidated and teaming with spiders) toilet. "ohh i'm not sure where the key is oohhh ohhh".
I quickly look outside and the convoy had just turned the corner and was heading up. "fuck"
I get back inline and cast away my nihilist attitude by praying to what ever god is around that I don't shit my pants in the middle of this service.

Hearses and limbos pull up. Everybody bows bar myself. I'm not risking that. The other bearers proceed to take the flowers out of the hearses and take them into the church. Not me.
I'm not fucking moving until I absolutely have to. Not until that dreaded moment where I have to put a coffin on my shoulder and walk inside. This will be my moment of men from the boys.
I might also add that the other bearers have noticed there is something wrong with me. They keep giving me odd looks. One of them keeps asking what the matter is. I'm stone cold silent. Buddhist monks would envy my concentration.
It's game time. We take the coffin out from the hearse, lift it on our shoulders and link arms.

By this point i'm dripping in sweat. My stomach is going nuts and very audible.
We begin to walk. Me and the bearer I've linked with are at the feet end of the coffin (The front) so we (or I should say i'm) setting the pace of how we walk. It was not a slow respectable pace.
We get up the yard and to the church doorway. I can see the Funeral Director wasn't happy. By this point I think the other bearers have figured out what the matter is.
Now I have to walk slow as the FD is in front and setting the pace.
Every god dame step felt like a life time. I'm gushing in sweat now. It's dripping off me. My ass is holding a Kraken and it wants out. I'm practically going blind by how tense I was.
We get about three quarters down the aisle and horror hits. Something had happened down their. Nothing to be noticed by others yet. But I know something has happened. Either that is sweat going down my leg or......

We get to the alter.
Now normally you would place the coffin on some stands and place the flowers around it. Make sure everything is right. Wait until the FD is ready and we would all bow in unison. Not today chum.
We place the coffin down. I 180 spin on my heel, walk around the aisle and immediately head for the door. I'm outside. I'm eyeing up grave stones and bushes. Morals and dignity are for better people than I at this point.
There are other people outside who can't come into church because of fucking covid.
I spy a pub a little ways down the road. Of course it's going to be closed. That feeling and sensation is getting much worse by this point. I'm holding on for dear life.

I take off in a mad dash down the road. I've got a good 40 mins to sort this red alert situation before I have to go back into the church.
I start hammering on the pub door like a psycho. "let me in, let me in, let me in. Please god you've got to let me in."
Eric Andre GIF


Like a fucking Angel a woman appear leaning out of an upstairs window. "Are you OK lovie?"
I plead with her to let me use her fertilitys. She can see i'm in pain. Anyone could by this point. I looked a fucking mess.
She hurry's down to let me in and directs me to the toilets.

I destroyed that toilet. I think I lost a stone in just 30 seconds. I felt like I needed an I.V drip.
Thank fuck the pub was closed as I need that toilet to myself. It was a fucking massacre in their.
Pant's are ruined.
Mess down my leg.
Bad smell.
All the general horrors you can think of for that general situation.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could using the sink (basically having a bath in it), toilet roll and soaps at hand.
It looked like a murder had taken place. I felt so bloody guilty. I went out and explained to the landlady what had happened and profusely apologized.
She bursts out laughing and says don't worry about it. She says she hates her cleaner anyways. She then offers me a pint. "Could I just get a water please".
That woman was a gift from fucking god.
Have you ever thought about writing a book?
 

anthony2690

Banned
My ex wife would camp out in the bathroom for ages on her phone every time she went. As there was only one toilet in out house you can imagine the amount of times I had to bang on the door to get her to hurry up. Eventually she learned to let me know if she was going.

I'm going to the toilet now. Do you want to go first?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.

One time not ten minutes later I got the gut cramps and really needed to go badly. She had just asked and not wanting to have a big blow up (Because she was mental) I needed a solution to maintain the "Domestic bliss". It was during the daytime and the back of my house was overlooked by other houses, so dropping one in the garden was not an option.

So there I am grown ass man squatting down in my kitchen squirting foul liquid shit into a supermarket carrier bag, at least there were kitchen paper towels there for clean-up duties. I then dumped that bio hazard bag behind the shed. Now my kitchen smells like someone took a really nasty shit in it for some inexplicable reason. Fabreeze wasn't going to come to the rescue on this one.

So I made some toast and burnt it, I burnt it multiple times until it resembled Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Wife comes out the bathroom 30 minutes later.

What's that smell?

*Me sweating, can she smell shit still or burnt toast?* I burnt some toast.

Fucking idiot she goes, now the whole kitchen smells of burnt toast.

The perfect crime...
She knew, I can imagine this is why she is your ex wife 🤣😭
 

Warnen

Don't pass gaas, it is your Destiny!
When I was a kid I got hit with the shits on a long walk to video store, think I just shit my pants then chucked my drawers in a food store bathroom.
 

Porcile

Member
It's almost 90% of the time walking home from the train station and I've already passed all the public toilets and I'm in that no man's land where it's not viable to turn back but home still feels like mile away or something
 

Sub_Level

wants to fuck an Asian grill.
Coffee & tea shop while I was tutoring a cute girl. Had to awkwardly leave her mid-lesson for ten minutes while I took a dump. And of course it was one of those endless wipes.
 
About ten years ago I just got made redundant, so to take a break from job hunting, I decided to take a long hike around the hills and country fields near my area.

I was walking through a farmer's field and urgently needed to shit. I saw a tree with a small bush close by and ran for it to drop my load. This wasn't a normal shit. This was a huge, light brown runny shit. The smell was so bad that it made me gag and I was sure it would kill tree and all life that was in close proximity.

I didn't have toilet paper, so had to wipe my ass with a newspaper that was in my backpack, which was a terrible idea as I ended up with newspaper ink and shit all over my ass, not to mention that I had to just throw the shitty paper on the ground. As I was wiping my shitty ass with a copy of the Telegraph, a man appeared in the filed, saw me wiping my ass and sprinted towards me. In a panic, I quickly pulled up my jeans and ran for it.

As I was running, I heard the man stop near the tree where I had polluted the earth with my foul toxins and screamed "you fucking dirty cunt!!!!!", but I didn't stop to look back. I just kept running until I was in the clear.

IDKFA IDKFA

Fucking dirty cunt​

 

Thaedolus

Member
About ten years ago I just got made redundant, so to take a break from job hunting, I decided to take a long hike around the hills and country fields near my area.

I was walking through a farmer's field and urgently needed to shit. I saw a tree with a small bush close by and ran for it to drop my load. This wasn't a normal shit. This was a huge, light brown runny shit. The smell was so bad that it made me gag and I was sure it would kill tree and all life that was in close proximity.

I didn't have toilet paper, so had to wipe my ass with a newspaper that was in my backpack, which was a terrible idea as I ended up with newspaper ink and shit all over my ass, not to mention that I had to just throw the shitty paper on the ground. As I was wiping my shitty ass with a copy of the Telegraph, a man appeared in the filed, saw me wiping my ass and sprinted towards me. In a panic, I quickly pulled up my jeans and ran for it.

As I was running, I heard the man stop near the tree where I had polluted the earth with my foul toxins and screamed "you fucking dirty cunt!!!!!", but I didn't stop to look back. I just kept running until I was in the clear.
Runs in the forest, runs.
 

Catphish

Member
When I was little, maybe like 7 or 8, my parents were divorced, and I was spending one particular weekend with my dad at his new apartment which he shared with a roommate.

The roommate's half of the place was very nicely decorated, as I recall. Woodsy and wicker stuff all over. Kinda reminded me of the set of the video for Toto's Africa, thinking back. The bathroom, in particular, had a very nice, elaborate rug, woven in shades of brown and gold. I remember how nice it felt on my bare feet and between my toes.

Anyway, this night, I got hit with the meanest urge to shit I'd known to that point in my life. Maybe ever. So I climbed out of bed and rapidly waddled to the bathroom, but the place was completely new to me, and I couldn't find the goddamned light switch. Internal pressure was building furiously as I fumbled all about the wall trying to find the elusive fucking switch. Then I remembered that the light was turned on by pulling a thin chain hanging from the ceiling. And here's my small, pathetic ass jumping around in desperation, and the dark, arms and hands flailing, trying to find this hope and a prayer of a fucking light chain when, abruptly, the sewer gate opens, and the mighty shit speweth forth.

Only, it's not just shit. It's straight up diarrhea, and it's turbo-powered like a motherfucker. I'm still futilely leaping into the air, crying my eyes out, hoping against all hope that I might get lucky and find this fucking chain, and will each jump, another stream of high-pressure shit fires randomly around the bathroom. Tears and shit, my friends. Tears and shit.

Eventually, my dad heard my cries and made it to the bathroom, turned on the light, and probably responded not at all unlike this:

no way wtf GIF


Me? I was traumatized, but well coddled and cleaned up, apologized to and soothed and given ice cream.

The rug? Proper fucked.
 
Last edited:
During the height of the pandemic whilst everywhere was locked down.
I was a bearer at a funeral care company. We had a big service that day where a husband past away and two days later his wife did. The family had organized a double funeral.

This funeral was an absolute pain as it was a church service taking place in a small village. Everybody knew them. The family wanted the hearses and limbos to go around the hot spots the couple used to frequent. I.e where they met, where they had dates, dancing etc etc.
Fortunately I wasn't a driver that day so I had all the easy roles (maybe not so fortunate). Get to the church beforehand and make sure everything is set up right.
As it was a large funeral, it was myself and three others doing these tasks and one of my co-workers actually lived in said village. We had a long wait at the church for everyone to arrive so my co-worker invites us around to his where his wife would make us
some cappuccinos :messenger_grimmacing_.
I had not drunk a cappuccino for many years but for some reason I couldn't remember why.......

30 Minutes go by and we head back to the church, do a final check and then line up ready for the convoy to arrive. About a minute after I had lined up, my stomach immediately starts doing flips.
Then like a vision for god I remember why I don't drink these brews that the devil had spawned. It gives me explosive diarrhea.
I start sweating and panicking. I look down the road and see no sign of the convoy yet. I quickly head into church and ask the very old and very slow priest if I can use his toilet.
He bumbles around for a few minutes looking for the key to the outside (very dilapidated and teaming with spiders) toilet. "ohh i'm not sure where the key is oohhh ohhh".
I quickly look outside and the convoy had just turned the corner and was heading up. "fuck"
I get back inline and cast away my nihilist attitude by praying to what ever god is around that I don't shit my pants in the middle of this service.

Hearses and limbos pull up. Everybody bows bar myself. I'm not risking that. The other bearers proceed to take the flowers out of the hearses and take them into the church. Not me.
I'm not fucking moving until I absolutely have to. Not until that dreaded moment where I have to put a coffin on my shoulder and walk inside. This will be my moment of men from the boys.
I might also add that the other bearers have noticed there is something wrong with me. They keep giving me odd looks. One of them keeps asking what the matter is. I'm stone cold silent. Buddhist monks would envy my concentration.
It's game time. We take the coffin out from the hearse, lift it on our shoulders and link arms.

By this point i'm dripping in sweat. My stomach is going nuts and very audible.
We begin to walk. Me and the bearer I've linked with are at the feet end of the coffin (The front) so we (or I should say i'm) setting the pace of how we walk. It was not a slow respectable pace.
We get up the yard and to the church doorway. I can see the Funeral Director wasn't happy. By this point I think the other bearers have figured out what the matter is.
Now I have to walk slow as the FD is in front and setting the pace.
Every god dame step felt like a life time. I'm gushing in sweat now. It's dripping off me. My ass is holding a Kraken and it wants out. I'm practically going blind by how tense I was.
We get about three quarters down the aisle and horror hits. Something had happened down their. Nothing to be noticed by others yet. But I know something has happened. Either that is sweat going down my leg or......

We get to the alter.
Now normally you would place the coffin on some stands and place the flowers around it. Make sure everything is right. Wait until the FD is ready and we would all bow in unison. Not today chum.
We place the coffin down. I 180 spin on my heel, walk around the aisle and immediately head for the door. I'm outside. I'm eyeing up grave stones and bushes. Morals and dignity are for better people than I at this point.
There are other people outside who can't come into church because of fucking covid.
I spy a pub a little ways down the road. Of course it's going to be closed. That feeling and sensation is getting much worse by this point. I'm holding on for dear life.

I take off in a mad dash down the road. I've got a good 40 mins to sort this red alert situation before I have to go back into the church.
I start hammering on the pub door like a psycho. "let me in, let me in, let me in. Please god you've got to let me in."
Eric Andre GIF


Like a fucking Angel a woman appear leaning out of an upstairs window. "Are you OK lovie?"
I plead with her to let me use her fertilitys. She can see i'm in pain. Anyone could by this point. I looked a fucking mess.
She hurry's down to let me in and directs me to the toilets.

I destroyed that toilet. I think I lost a stone in just 30 seconds. I felt like I needed an I.V drip.
Thank fuck the pub was closed as I need that toilet to myself. It was a fucking massacre in their.
Pant's are ruined.
Mess down my leg.
Bad smell.
All the general horrors you can think of for that general situation.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could using the sink (basically having a bath in it), toilet roll and soaps at hand.
It looked like a murder had taken place. I felt so bloody guilty. I went out and explained to the landlady what had happened and profusely apologized.
She bursts out laughing and says don't worry about it. She says she hates her cleaner anyways. She then offers me a pint. "Could I just get a water please".
That woman was a gift from fucking god.




edit: Facilities :messenger_expressionless:

Have you ever thought about writing a book?
I second this. lifa-cobex lifa-cobex is a master storyteller.
 

BadBurger

Is 'That Pure Potato'
I was returning from a camping / surfing trip with friends. Somewhere in North Carolina, unsure of the name of the town, dog days of summer. The need to go hits me hard so I pull over at the very first place I see. It was an archaic diner of some kind - bare wooden walls, the roof and porch sunken into unevenness with age - it resembled a set from a Western.

My friends were hungry anyways so they go in to grab some of the award-winning barbeque that is advertised on a painted sign out front (and the smell and smoke from it is filling the air). I follow the signs to the restroom. The intense smoky odor of the barbeque made my stomach start gurgling with greater intensity for some reason, and I can barely hold it in as I struggle down an increasingly dark hallway towards the restroom. I notice that the smell of barbeque is being slowly replaced with that of human waste, and it's growing hotter the closer I get to the restroom.

I use my foot to push the door open. It's just plain awful. It looked like someone was filming a movie and needed a comically, hyperbolically disgusting bathroom set to be erected . There is no air conditioning on this side of the building either, so it's about 100 degrees F in there and the heat makes the aroma feel tangible, physical. The wooden walls were discolored from what I can only guess was decades worth of unwashed urine mist and who knows what else. The lone mirror, hanging crooked on the wall, was so filthy it looked like someone had smeared Vaseline all over it. Everything was moist.

I have a thing about dirty restrooms to begin with, so I couldn't even bring myself to enter a stall and witness any of the toilets. I turned heel back down the dark, hot hallway. I hit the cool air of the restaurant proper, pass my friends who are occupying a few tables joking around, and back outside the front door. I have to go so bad at this point that everything hurts - my bunghole, my colon, my stomach. When I get outside I start doing a kind of stiff, wobbling, Frakenstein's Monster skipping jog towards the thickest part of the forest surrounding this diner. I find a sandy patch of dirt hidden by trees and bush and can barely get my flip flops and swimming trunks off fast enough before it's shooting and bubbling out. There naked except for a faded old t-shirt, squatting.

I had to use my old t-shirt to wipe, and there was barely enough cloth for the job. I felt so relieved I actually felt kind of high.
 

MrMephistoX

Member
I was living in China at the time teaching and was on a bus with my girlfriend after having hot pot with shellfish. All of a sudden I felt like I was going to explode so she had to yell at the bus driver in Mandarin Chinese to stop. “Why he asked? This Lao Wai/Foreigner needs to use the bathroom. Can’t he wait? No he’s having an upset stomach so he might shit all over your bus!” that was embarrassing enough since the other passengers could hear but he finally stopped at the next bus stop and then we ran into a beauty parlor where again she had to explain the situation in order for me to be allowed to use their toilet. So in I rushed in front of a dozen ladies getting mani pedis I make it to the toilet and discover to my horror it’s a traditional porcelain squatting toilet which I’d never used before…not the best situation to have explosive diarrhea in. Long story short I shit all over that thing and around it getting a tiny bit on my pants as I clung to my pants around ankles for dear life. I’m sure everyone involved tells the tale of the foreigner with explosive diarrhea to this day.
 
Last edited:
This was around 2016, I believe.

I was working, had a hot date that night that canceled on me, so I was already in a bad mood heading home. Get stuck in rush hour traffic, so great, what a day. The rumbles hit me pretty early in, while I'm gridlocked in stop-and-go traffic. Usually this commute is 25 minutes or so, but on this particular evening, I enjoyed a white-knuckled, sweat-inducing hour long trip back. It's looking bad, fellas. The turtle is poking out and I'm doubled over with my head resting on the steering wheel.

Finally, FINALLY, I get home. At the time I lived in a high-rise on the 24th floor of my apartment building and- yep, you guessed it, elevator is out. I bum-rush up 24 flights of stairs, fling my door open, rush into the bathroom...

Only to be about ten seconds too late :messenger_mr_smith_who_are_you_going_to_call: I made it home but destroyed my bathroom and pants in the process.
 

haxan7

Volunteered as Tribute
I was living in China at the time teaching and was on a bus with my girlfriend after having hot pot with shellfish. All of a sudden I felt like I was going to explode so she had to yell at the bus driver to stop. “Why he asked? This Lao Wai/Foreigner needs to use the bathroom. Can’t he wait? No he’s having an upset stomach so he might shit all over your bus!” that was embarrassing enough since the other passengers could hear but he finally stopped at the next bus stop and then we ran into a beauty parlor where again she had to explain the situation in order for me to be allowed to use their toilet. So in I rushed in front of a dozen ladies getting mani pedis I make it to the toilet and discover to my horror it’s a traditional porcelain squatting toilet which I’d never used before…not the best situation to have explosive diarrhea in. Long story short I shit all over that thing and around it getting a tiny bit on my pants as I clung to my pants around ankles for dear life. I’m sure everyone involved tells the tale of the foreigner with explosive diarrhea to this day.
Licking Jackie Chan GIF
 
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