-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Worst sex you've ever had?
- Thread starter MrOogieBoogie
- Start date
- NSFW
- Status
Arsenic Yellow
Member
All this sex in shower sucks talk... It's like no one has heard of Vaseline before. Best bath time lube ever.
I would've invited the dad.
Yeah this, I was gonna type a story about a drunken college hookup but it is not worthy.
D
Deleted member 1235
Unconfirmed Member
don't do LSD and then try and have sex with a girl you've never had sex with before. Especially if you can't even feel you legs due to the hallucinogenic drug you took 
I once read a thread on gaf where the guy described 'Like shooting pool with a rope'
I once read a thread on gaf where the guy described 'Like shooting pool with a rope'
TimHortons
Member
Went home with a girl from a club and she was NOT a looker but her body was a 10. Turns out she was a freak and wanted buttsex right off the bat. I had severe whisky dick and could not even get it up She tried to revive my limp noodle orally without any luck either... Damn shame because... DAT ASS... My god that ass...
She tried to revive my limp noodle orally without any luck either... Damn shame because... DAT ASS... My god that ass...B1gg_Randall
Member
Holy shit...lmaoFuck you for taking me away from a test.
So I was talking with a girl online about 5 years ago, back when I was living in SoCal. She seemed of the shy type, but after about a couple of weeks, she really opened up, phone and skype sex every other night, all the stuff.
We decide to finally meet up because we could not take it anymore. She wanted some, I wanted it all, and it would be hot to meet somewhere in the middle (we lived a good 40ish miles apart) and just go. The day comes, and after having lunch and playing mini-golf, we get to the motel, I shell out $90, and we get into the room and immediately my shirt is flying, and we are making out.
Now, the first warning sign was that it was my clothes being shed. She wasn't a secret fatty, because I saw what was up over cam. But hell, she was pulling me and getting down so I paid it little attention. I get around to getting her on the bed, taking her shirt off, unbuckling her bra and giving her every bit of attention with my mouth. She's loving it, and after some time, starts to unbuckle her pants, but stops. I think to myself, "Ok, she wants me to do it" but when I reach, she pushes me away. Now, I'm harder than Thor's hammer and I want to go all out, so I push her hand away and begin to strip off the pants and tear off her panties.
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.
The smell came all at once, and hit me harder and faster than a 12-gauge to the temple. From hard as a rock to a banana peel, and it took all the willpower to not heave. I looked at her, and she had this look that told me that this was a problem for other guys and was awaiting my reaction. With eyes watering and the gag reflexes doing the work of gods, I kissed her and began fingering...I did not want her to feel bad but my dick could not do that work. Then the worst thing happens. She pushes my head down in an effort to do the impossible...but again, I didn't want to make her feel bad. I spread her apart, breathing from my mouth, and mind you the smell gets worse. Imagine mildew, old urine and a slight whiff of ass. Then toss that into a can of tuna. It's not good. I lick, and my body said no, and I heave. She gasps, I say something along the lines of ITS NOT YOU IM SICK but as soon as I do I throw up in my mouth. She begins crying while struggling to put on her ripped panties, and I just feel like shit both physically and for the poor sap that has to take that next time. By the time I get out of the bathroom, she's gone, and we haven't really talked since.
tl;dr: If it smells, suggest to take a shower together or something, because damn.
Willkiller
Banned
don't do LSD and then try and have sex with a girl you've never had sex with before. Especially if you can't even feel you legs due to the hallucinogenic drug you took
I once read a thread on gaf where the guy described 'Like shooting pool with a rope'
I've always wondered what sex would be like on MDMA seeing as it makes even touching someone's arm an incredible experience.
Yoshichan
And they made him a Lord of Cinder. Not for virtue, but for might. Such is a lord, I suppose. But here I ask. Do we have a sodding chance?
You... you monster!
dark_chris
Gold Member
The worst sex I ever had was with this one european girl i dated. She was so shitty in bed, it was one of the contributing factors of me dumping her. She did nothing. she was always laying there and only moved a lil. Sometimes, I think that having sex with a doll would be better. she brought nothing fun to the table and only liked one position. Never bothered to try another.
The best I ever had was this pakistani girl i dated. Whew~. lmao.
The best I ever had was this pakistani girl i dated. Whew~. lmao.
Rilasciare
Member
Fuck you for taking me away from a test.
So I was talking with a girl online about 5 years ago, back when I was living in SoCal. She seemed of the shy type, but after about a couple of weeks, she really opened up, phone and skype sex every other night, all the stuff.
We decide to finally meet up because we could not take it anymore. She wanted some, I wanted it all, and it would be hot to meet somewhere in the middle (we lived a good 40ish miles apart) and just go. The day comes, and after having lunch and playing mini-golf, we get to the motel, I shell out $90, and we get into the room and immediately my shirt is flying, and we are making out.
Now, the first warning sign was that it was my clothes being shed. She wasn't a secret fatty, because I saw what was up over cam. But hell, she was pulling me and getting down so I paid it little attention. I get around to getting her on the bed, taking her shirt off, unbuckling her bra and giving her every bit of attention with my mouth. She's loving it, and after some time, starts to unbuckle her pants, but stops. I think to myself, "Ok, she wants me to do it" but when I reach, she pushes me away. Now, I'm harder than Thor's hammer and I want to go all out, so I push her hand away and begin to strip off the pants and tear off her panties.
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.
The smell came all at once, and hit me harder and faster than a 12-gauge to the temple. From hard as a rock to a banana peel, and it took all the willpower to not heave. I looked at her, and she had this look that told me that this was a problem for other guys and was awaiting my reaction. With eyes watering and the gag reflexes doing the work of gods, I kissed her and began fingering...I did not want her to feel bad but my dick could not do that work. Then the worst thing happens. She pushes my head down in an effort to do the impossible...but again, I didn't want to make her feel bad. I spread her apart, breathing from my mouth, and mind you the smell gets worse. Imagine mildew, old urine and a slight whiff of ass. Then toss that into a can of tuna. It's not good. I lick, and my body said no, and I heave. She gasps, I say something along the lines of ITS NOT YOU IM SICK but as soon as I do I throw up in my mouth. She begins crying while struggling to put on her ripped panties, and I just feel like shit both physically and for the poor sap that has to take that next time. By the time I get out of the bathroom, she's gone, and we haven't really talked since.
tl;dr: If it smells, suggest to take a shower together or something, because damn.
my god I'm dying here
jamesinclair
Banned
Churches need to hand out this thread as reading material for their abstinence classes
this does not compare to some of the previous stories...
My Cougar:
After just casually making friends with some women in their late 40s early 50s, my friend bets me lunch for a week that I wouldn't take one of them home. Being 22 and always hungry, I accept and to my surprise talk her into coming back to my place.
First she tells me to put on some young music. So I load up the WinAmp and start the most romantic music on my default playlist, Mindless Self Indulgence. She puts on this awkward strip show. Her phone rings, but she ignores it.
She hot for her age, but plastic boobs can't fix everything. Foreplay was like trying to find a tic tak in a bowl full of cold ham. No matter the position her loose skin was just too big of a distraction to enjoy anything.
As soon as we're done, she grabs her phone and answers, "Hey honey, yeah on my way home now." It was her 20 year old son worried that she wasn't home yet. She whispers that she had fun, and tells me to visit her while she writes down her address. I say great, then hold my hand up for a high five. She high fives me. I did not visit.
tl/dr: I never want to get old.
My Cougar:
After just casually making friends with some women in their late 40s early 50s, my friend bets me lunch for a week that I wouldn't take one of them home. Being 22 and always hungry, I accept and to my surprise talk her into coming back to my place.
First she tells me to put on some young music. So I load up the WinAmp and start the most romantic music on my default playlist, Mindless Self Indulgence. She puts on this awkward strip show. Her phone rings, but she ignores it.
She hot for her age, but plastic boobs can't fix everything. Foreplay was like trying to find a tic tak in a bowl full of cold ham. No matter the position her loose skin was just too big of a distraction to enjoy anything.
As soon as we're done, she grabs her phone and answers, "Hey honey, yeah on my way home now." It was her 20 year old son worried that she wasn't home yet. She whispers that she had fun, and tells me to visit her while she writes down her address. I say great, then hold my hand up for a high five. She high fives me. I did not visit.
tl/dr: I never want to get old.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
Why would you need practice? It just rolls on. There's not exactly a "trick" to it.
You'd think.
Opus Angelorum
Member
Never has an analogy been so vivid.
The Mana Legend
Banned
Not my story (thank God), but my cousin's.
I was staying at his house for a week. He went out to a party, came back with puke on his shirt. I figured he just puked from the alcohol. Nope, he went down on a girl, who he said had a "very unhygenic pussy," and the mixture of the smell, the matted sticky fur, and the alcohol caused him to puke directly into her vagina while he was trying to eat her out.
I was staying at his house for a week. He went out to a party, came back with puke on his shirt. I figured he just puked from the alcohol. Nope, he went down on a girl, who he said had a "very unhygenic pussy," and the mixture of the smell, the matted sticky fur, and the alcohol caused him to puke directly into her vagina while he was trying to eat her out.
That was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.
Mr_PinkFloyd
Neo Member
This happened like 10 years ago
Extremely hot girl, one of the sexiest girls i have ever met in real life
She was a friend of my ex-gf (in that time) we never actually hang out a lot
One day she asked me to go out as "friends" (i was single)
Long story short, we end up at my place, foreplay lasted for like 30 secs, she take out my pants, got on top of me, and in less than 2 mins she started to shout "oh god, oh god" (i was barely moving!) and stoped........ "thank you so much for this" she kissed me....and then falled sleep
Extremely hot girl, one of the sexiest girls i have ever met in real life
She was a friend of my ex-gf (in that time) we never actually hang out a lot
One day she asked me to go out as "friends" (i was single)
Long story short, we end up at my place, foreplay lasted for like 30 secs, she take out my pants, got on top of me, and in less than 2 mins she started to shout "oh god, oh god" (i was barely moving!) and stoped........ "thank you so much for this" she kissed me....and then falled sleep
Hahaha. This is my first day back to work and this thread is making it bearable. Keep it coming guys.
Baconsammy
Banned
The only bad sex I've ever had involved smelly vaginas. Nothing kills an erection faster than that. And people saying it's due to them not cleaning it are wrong. The vagina cleans itself. If you over-clean it with soaps/oils, you can cause a bad smell to occur because the pH levels get messed up. Infections also cause awful smells. Women should be smart enough to know that if they can smell a nasty odor coming from there that they have an issue.
BWhahahahahahaaaaa!!!! gold, Jerry, gold!!!
Mystagogue
Member
This thread is the most disgusting and entertaining thing i've ever read, holy shit.
Link
The Autumn Wind
Did you not read my story?
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Some of these stories, jeez....
Featheredkitten
Banned
I can not get enough of these stories. Keep posting them guys, i have homework to avoid.
Funky Papa
FUNK-Y-PPA-4
Mattdaddy
Gold Member
One time in college I took this girl home from the bar and was banging her doggystyle. I was grabbing her asscheeks and just squeezing them really hard with my hands, when I guess I spread them apart too far or something and she just farted right into my face.
It was so fucking awkward and I had no idea what to do, so I just kept going like it didnt happen. She looked back like expecting some reaction, then when I didn't really react she just looked forward and we kept going. But it stunk, we both knew what was up. I was so disgusted I never called her again.
Another time I took home this waitress and we were hooking up, we start banging and I'm going in raw dog at first. Finally she tells me to stop and go get a condom. I don't have any so I gotta go to my roommates room to get one. He's in there and its weird cause Im in boxers with this big fuckin boner sticking out, so I lose my hard on. But I get the condom. Well, I was also drunk as a cot damn skunk, so I had some whiskey dick and couldn't get my weiner back up. She's in my ear like a harpy "what's wrong, wtf, etc..." and its not helping. I was trying to jerk off a lil, thump it, think sexy thoughts, stuff it in at half-mast... nothing working. The combination of the booze plus the condom was too restricting. Finally she gets fed up and literally said "You're a pussy." Then walked out. Wouldn't return my texts. She was hot too, that was a bad fumble.
It was so fucking awkward and I had no idea what to do, so I just kept going like it didnt happen. She looked back like expecting some reaction, then when I didn't really react she just looked forward and we kept going. But it stunk, we both knew what was up. I was so disgusted I never called her again.
Another time I took home this waitress and we were hooking up, we start banging and I'm going in raw dog at first. Finally she tells me to stop and go get a condom. I don't have any so I gotta go to my roommates room to get one. He's in there and its weird cause Im in boxers with this big fuckin boner sticking out, so I lose my hard on. But I get the condom. Well, I was also drunk as a cot damn skunk, so I had some whiskey dick and couldn't get my weiner back up. She's in my ear like a harpy "what's wrong, wtf, etc..." and its not helping. I was trying to jerk off a lil, thump it, think sexy thoughts, stuff it in at half-mast... nothing working. The combination of the booze plus the condom was too restricting. Finally she gets fed up and literally said "You're a pussy." Then walked out. Wouldn't return my texts. She was hot too, that was a bad fumble.
This happened last year.
It was the most embarassing situation I've ever been in my entire life.
I was chilling on a friend's house playing video games on a saturday night when I get a call from a drunk friend asking me where I was.
A few minutes has passed and she is now at the house, she picks me up and we go to her house.
We go to the bedroom upstairs while making out and saying to her that it was wrong to have sex with her because she was drunk, but she obviously didn't care and I was horny as hell so fuck it.
Suddenly we are both naked on her bed, and we get it going.
The foreplay was going well but then..
My stomach started to make funny noises.
"What the fuck did I have for dinner?" I started thinking while I was sucking on dem titties.
I knew something was coming, and it wasn't my dick.
"Oh man, I KNOW that feeling: Diarrhea"
Now.
I could choose to take a dump on her bathroom but the smell would have definitely kill the momentum so I just said to her I'm calling a taxi and going home because "I can't take advantage of your state".
She seemed confused as the sudden change of opinion. I mean, she was already sucking my dick when I stopped her and said that.
By saying that I thought I was going to end up being a total gentleman the next day when she realizes what she did the day before and so I was going to get sex a few days later as a reward anyways.
20 min has passed and the taxi hasn't arrived.
I was holding my diarrhea so bad while simultaneously trying to be a "gentleman" saying stuff like "Don't worry, we can do it next weekend when we're both sober", "Don't feel bad", blablabla
Eventually the taxi arrived. I put my clothes back on and prepare to go downstairs.
Let me say that holding the shit in while going downstairs was one of the most difficult tasks I've ever done in my entire life. If you have been in a situation like this then you share my pain.
I made it. Now I was at her door saying goodbye to a semi naked chick that I still wanted to fuck while holding the most explosive diarrhea of my life while thinking how the fuck I'm going to hold it when I get to the taxi. I awkwardly say goodbye and GTFO.
I get in the taxi and tell the driver I want to take a shit so take me to the nearest gas station. While I was in the taxi I couldn't hold it anymore so a little bit of juice got out, it started to smell and the driver noticed it, but he was a great guy and didn't really cared. After a few minutes we found a gas station, I rush to the bath and let myself explode.
After what happened later isn't that important, he just took me home, I gave him a considerable tip for his phenomenal service and that's it.
PS: And no... I haven't banged the girl after that. She barely even spoke to me the next days. She probably thinks I'm gay.
It was the most embarassing situation I've ever been in my entire life.
I was chilling on a friend's house playing video games on a saturday night when I get a call from a drunk friend asking me where I was.
A few minutes has passed and she is now at the house, she picks me up and we go to her house.
We go to the bedroom upstairs while making out and saying to her that it was wrong to have sex with her because she was drunk, but she obviously didn't care and I was horny as hell so fuck it.
Suddenly we are both naked on her bed, and we get it going.
The foreplay was going well but then..
My stomach started to make funny noises.
"What the fuck did I have for dinner?" I started thinking while I was sucking on dem titties.
I knew something was coming, and it wasn't my dick.
"Oh man, I KNOW that feeling: Diarrhea"
Now.
I could choose to take a dump on her bathroom but the smell would have definitely kill the momentum so I just said to her I'm calling a taxi and going home because "I can't take advantage of your state".
She seemed confused as the sudden change of opinion. I mean, she was already sucking my dick when I stopped her and said that.
By saying that I thought I was going to end up being a total gentleman the next day when she realizes what she did the day before and so I was going to get sex a few days later as a reward anyways.
20 min has passed and the taxi hasn't arrived.
I was holding my diarrhea so bad while simultaneously trying to be a "gentleman" saying stuff like "Don't worry, we can do it next weekend when we're both sober", "Don't feel bad", blablabla
Eventually the taxi arrived. I put my clothes back on and prepare to go downstairs.
Let me say that holding the shit in while going downstairs was one of the most difficult tasks I've ever done in my entire life. If you have been in a situation like this then you share my pain.
I made it. Now I was at her door saying goodbye to a semi naked chick that I still wanted to fuck while holding the most explosive diarrhea of my life while thinking how the fuck I'm going to hold it when I get to the taxi. I awkwardly say goodbye and GTFO.
I get in the taxi and tell the driver I want to take a shit so take me to the nearest gas station. While I was in the taxi I couldn't hold it anymore so a little bit of juice got out, it started to smell and the driver noticed it, but he was a great guy and didn't really cared. After a few minutes we found a gas station, I rush to the bath and let myself explode.
After what happened later isn't that important, he just took me home, I gave him a considerable tip for his phenomenal service and that's it.
PS: And no... I haven't banged the girl after that. She barely even spoke to me the next days. She probably thinks I'm gay.
white dynamite
Member
After reading this thread, the moral should be to never eat pussy.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
I actually cringed a little at that last story. Damn.
Mattdaddy
Gold Member
OMFG, smelly pussy is the most vile offender of bad sex.
That story made me LOL though.
I have a buddy that started to go down on a girl with smelly pussy and proceeded to put two fingers in her, let it soak, then put the fingers up to her nose and went, "Take care of this shit."
Yeah that sucked. Insult to injury... as she was leaving a go "Hey sorry, how about a rematch sometime?" She looked at me deadpan and just goes "Um, No." Last thing she ever said to me.
luckyarcher
Member
really?
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
I have had this happen, but I usually fake an injury, generally a charlie horse.
shadyspace
Banned
Got shit on my dick doing anal. Now I would probably start gagging and leave immediately after cleaning my dick real good but I was 14 and didn't care, wiped it off and went right back in.
I would have kept this going. You could have potentially seen a dad fuck his daughter. How many people can say that. Without child abuse being involved anyway.
Link
The Autumn Wind
Not gonna lie, I've pulled this move.
Featheredkitten
Banned
Devolution
Member
First time. It would have to be just ridiculously bad to top the first time.
keltickennedy
Member
I had a similar situation. Except the girl I was dating years ago would always wanna be on top and all she did was move her hips in a back and forth motion, no up and down. I finally said something to her asking if she could go up and down a little. She got super defensive and yelled at me, "I'M NOT A FUCKING PORNSTAR!" She was really bad. Nice girl though.
I am WAY more happy with my current girlfriend. No problems in that department at all *high-five*
this guy are sick
Member
Protip: Next time you go down on a girl with a stank pussy, make sure you kiss her afterwards. Welp, toodles.
Featheredkitten
Banned
I think it's funny how the posters i know are women are all saying the first time was the worst.
It is hard to top the first time though.
It is hard to top the first time though.
D
Deleted member 1235
Unconfirmed Member
you'll be needin a viagra for that kind of action....
Devolution
Member
I think it's funny how the posters i know are women are all saying the first time was the worst.
It is hard to top the first time though.
It wasn't even bad on his end but what you gonna do when it feels like you're being stabbed to death and how does anyone ever top that awfulness.
Also hymens seem pretty pointless.
out0v0rder
Member
not possible
LabouredSubterfuge
Member
I can assure it is excellent, and can be pretty filthy if your partner is in on it.
- Status