Time for an update.
General elections will take place this upcoming 26th of June. The smart ones among the folks who remain oddly interested in this topic may have some questions. Like, what the hell has happened since this shit show took place? Is there a chance Spain could have a new, properly functioning government in a few days? The answer to both questions is 42.
Let's take another look at the parties, their current positions and how things are going for them (hint: it's a fiery trainwreck full of puppies and manure)
The parties:
See some
hippie bullshit something new? We'll get on that later.
PP (Partido Popular)
Current mood: IDGAF, LOL.
Situation rep: Accosted by countless scandals and battered by the courts, the conservative PP remains the largest political force in Spain. Barely. Their hopes and dreams rest solely upon a large mass of +60 year old folks who
vote and vote often, are scared witless of the Red Terror and secretly long for a Brexit so they can go to Gibraltar and empty their colostomy bags at the border.
Internet site Público (a hive of fifth columnists on a mission to destroy Spain's social peace through infiltration and subterfuge) just dropped a bomb on the campaign by publishing a number of highly incriminating wiretaps revealing that
the Minister of Interior (and with president Rajoy's apparent knowledge) conspired along publishing group Planeta to investigate and/or manufacture potential scandals in order to damage the credibility of Catalonian separatist parties CDC and ERC, later to be disseminated through the conservative newspaper La Razón. This confirms a recent and rather scary narrative of the Minister of Interior operating in secret a political police cell -which either collaborated with or took advantage of the National Intelligence Centre (CNI)- created with the sole purpose of discrediting any smaller parties that could prove problematic to the government, targeting both separatist forces and emerging ones such as the leftist Podemos.
Man, I
really expected better from a party built upon the ruins of Generalissimo Franco's fascist regime.
The campaign: The PP has based its campaign on economic stability and warning the populace of the risk of a Marxist revolution spearheaded by Podemos that will meet its inevitable conclusion with the abolishment of private property, the demolition of the Catholic faith and the deportation of proud Spanish patriots to collective dirt farms in the Monegros desert. A vote for the PP is a vote for Spain. Any other option is playing into the hands of Lenin and the unholy spirit of Hugo Chávez. Please vote
The prospects: Surprisingly good. I mean, in any other civilised country the PP would have been pummelled to the ground by the Jedi-Pastafarian Coalition, but it turns out that Spain
truly is different. The latest data put the PP at the forefront by a small margin and with a slightly but noticeably larger amount of support, mostly because their voters are loyal to a fault and the fear propaganda is working well on those who had second thoughts at the previous elections and either didn't vote or voted for Ciudadanos. They intend to become the governing party with the support of their former archenemies at the PSOE (which may cause a singularity) and Ciudadanos.
PSOE (Partido Socialista Obrero Español)
Current mood: "I'm okay with the events that are currently unfolding"
Situation rep: All signs point to a complete disaster for the PSOE. After chocking like the National Football Team, the PSOE decided than ousting Pedro Sanchez from the leadership with so little time to prepare for the next elections would be political suicide, so they doubled down and tried to position themselves as COMPASSIONATE PROGRESSIVES that will always work on behalf of the people while keeping regressive labour regulations enacted by the PP and endorsing the TTIP for reasons they can't discuss. They agree with the PP in which Podemos is a radical Bolivarian front.
Being the barely functional inepts that they are, right after the previous elections they quickly established a coalition with Ciudadanos, only to discover that Ciudadanos is a neoliberal party disguised as a centrist one (not a good look for the PSOE) that wouldn't shake hands with Podemos, quickly aborting any potential PSOE-led government and making a fool of all the parties involved. This had a huge cost in terms of political capital and left the image of both the PSOE and Pedro Sanchez badly damaged.
The campaign: The PSOE has forgotten their historical animosity towards the PP in order to focus the brunt of its attacks on Podemos, which has turned into their biggest menace after stealing a good chunk of their votes right under their nose. The official line is that Podemos is a highly suspicious party filled to the brim with extremists and populists. That hasn't stopped Pedro Sánchez from trying to reach the hard left with an esquizofrenic and laughably fake defence of the old socialist ideals the PSOE abjured many years ago. For some absurd reason they are still cool with Ciudadanos, because coherence is just a word. They keep screaming from the rooftops that the PP and Podemos are complicit in a secret pact to destroy the PSOE.
Fire, meet tyre dump.
The prospects: All projections point towards the PSOE being overtaken by Podemos by a small but not insignificant margin. Decades of corruption, servilism and bald-faced lies (not to mention their recent cohabitation with Ciudadanos) are taking a massive toll on the party that used to be the Ying to the PP's Yang. Some polls go as far as to predict a complete collapse of the party, losing at nearly all circumscriptions it not all of them. Next stop: Irrelevancy. Maybe.
C's (Ciudadanos)
Current mood: "We are a real political party. Please pay attention to us"
Situation rep: Not good. His failed attempt at forming a government coalition along the PSOE and some other partner that doesn't exist in this astral plane turned all the cameras on them, which resulted in bigger than expected scrutiny on a relatively untested political party that happens to be tactically vague and full of professional arribistes. The party has found itself involved in some minor scandals of its own, which is not a good thing for a party with a reformist image that aspires to capture the disgruntled PP vote. After supporting the PSOE, business-friendly Ciudadanos has gone on the record to say that they would have supported the PP if the numbers made sense, which has been interpreted as political backstabbing among the PSOE's ranks. They are cool with either party as long as they get them some seats at the cabinet.
The campaign: After noticing that they can't keep stealing votes from the PSOE in any meaningful amounts, Ciudadanos abandoned all pretences of bringing a "tranquil change" to Spanish politics by launching a virulent barrage against Podemos and jumping on the accusations crafted by the PP's secret police about Iglesias' party being funded by the Venezuelan regime, despite the Supreme Court dismissing the allegations and the file itself being outed as a fabrication. It's a startling change of tone that is putting off a lot of voters.
The prospects: Hard to say. Endorsing the highly controversial accusations towards Podemos has proven polarising for Ciudadanos. Albert Rivera's histrionics over Venezuela and even the presidential debate weren't well received either. Some polls show that some sympathisers are starting to see Ciudadanos as the counterfeit version of the PP, making them reluctant to vote again for them or throwing them back into the loving arms of the conservatives. At the same time, some pollsters claim small gains for the party, although it should be noted that Ciudadanos' numbers tend to be inflated across the board for some reason.
UP (Unidos Podemos) (who are you, people?)
Current mood:
Situation rep: Unidos Podemos is the natural result of Podemos becoming a mainstream force at the left of the PSOE and Izquierda Unida bombing like a mofo. Finally realizing that Podemos have eaten their lunch and that electoral maths deeply favour larger parties, IU has accepted the socialist fraternal kiss of Podemos to form a leftist coalition with winning ambitions; a shocking first for the
all time losers at IU. Unidos Podemos' support is highly energised, politically motivated and fuelled by a profound dislike towards the establishment. Despite their young age, Podemos' supporters actually vote, which may be a first since the 80's.
Although Podemos has replaced the PP as the PSOE's biggest fear and Podemos itself is no friends of the PSOE, the party's secretariat is fully aware of the fact that they'll need their support if they want to govern. As a result, they have moderated the intensity of their discourse and has fully embraced what is: a Social Democrat party with a shiny patina of newness.
Now, Podemos and IU share a lot of views, but that doesn't mean they are the same party. Not at all. Unidos Podemos is the result of marrying a Social Democrat party with a strong narrative (think 80's Euroleft) and a growing base with a much smaller and struggling Eurocommunist one. Both strive for the conservation of social services and the end of austerity, but they have their fair share of differences in a number of areas, and while IU's Alberto Garzon did the right thing and neutered half of the old fogies while they were shocked by the catastrophic results of the 2015, it's still its own entity. This has led to some ridiculous incidents, such as IU supporters and officials decrying a Podemos' sponsored conference about sex and feminism in the 21th century headed by noted feminist pornstar and supporter Amarna Miller (don't Google her at work), since IU is vehemently against porn and prostitution for being tools of oppression while Podemos is like "whatever".
Garzón, probably tweeting something really poignant about porn, fascism and the heteropatriarchy.
That was a fun one, but it highlights some fundamental differences. Podemos, for example, accepts Spain's NATO membership as an ugly necessity while Europe moves towards building a common army (one of the party's aims at European level), while IU wants the country out of it and as quickly as possible. Both parties have sworn to work together, but it won't be easy and their enemies are going to do their damn best to attack them on that flank.
The campaign: Podemos transitioned towards a moderate discourse in 2015 and Unidos Podemos has gone a step forward in that direction by positioning themselves as a party of strong leftist ideas without the expected belligerent dialectic. I mean, the party logo is a rainbow heart, FFS. The alliance has been under heavy fire since day one, as the PP has launched a Red Scare strategy happily seconded by the PSOE and Ciudadanos that is only invigorating Unidos Podemos' base while reaping modest gains for the right. Despite this, Unidos Podemos has managed to legit shook the PSOE by campaigning for a joint Unidos Podemos-PSOE government (going as far as to lowkey put the Catalonian referendum on hold in order to secure the PSOE's support), which left the socialist unable to respond. Pedro Sánchez is in a bit of a pickle, as a so-called "socialist party" cannot attack the only other leftist group openly campaigning for a united progressive front against the conservatives without looking like a major ass. It goes without saying that Sánchez, always so brave, took up that challenge.
The prospects: All polls point to Podemos replacing the PSOE as the second largest party in popular support and seats and the mainstream leftist force in Spain. Their government chances will depend on the PSOE's performance, as they still need their support.
....
Sounds fun, right? How about the men in charge?
The candidates:
Mariano Rajoy (PP)
Rajoy (61) explains Borja Mari (16) how he'll never have to share a classroom with the poor after he makes tuition only affordable for the rich
Rajoy builds his strength upon the resilience of the PP, a party where the laundry is always done at home. Although scandals have been piling up one on top of another during the past few months, his strategy of holding the line and supporting even the most corrupt members of the party (coupled with the way he shushed out the youngest members brought into the organisation when they got funny ideas about overtaking the old guard) has reinforced his position within a party rife with strife despite the appearances. It's not clear if he'll return for another round or retire from the front line if this election also fails to produce a new government.
Probably heard saying: "Decimation worked for the Romans".
Pedro Sánchez (PSOE)
At least he is pretty
Pedro is a mess. Pedro is a waste. Confronted with a party in shambles and a shrinking base of supporters, Sánchez has gone on a highly erratic campaign against the only party that could remotely put him in a cabinet. Pedro is still at the forefront of the PSOE's campaign just because party leadership conceded that building a brand new candidate in a few months would be political suicide, so they went out with him in hopes he wouldn't fuck it up twice. His internal adversaries are already sharpening their knives; barring a shocking reverse of his fortunes or a saving alliance with Podemos (which is hardly a sure thing after trashing Iglesias and Podemos for months), he's done. The clock is ticking for him.
Probably heard saying: "I wish I had taken up to acting".
Albert Rivera (C's)
Roborivera glitches out after checking the polls
Rivera is just discovering that politics is a hardball game. His regenarionist platform stalled big time when results turned out a much smaller amount of seats than predicted by the polls, so he has adopted a more belligerent and vociferous strategy. Fully aware that his unique position makes him a good junior partner for either the PP or the PSOE (losing no time in backstabbing the later after taking notice of its sorry state), he's refrained from attacking either while caressing the (really) far fetched idea of a triparty alliance. Either way, he'll remain at the leadership of Ciudadanos since the party has shown a severe lack of internal opposition (let alone a modicum of charisma) and he was the one who got the party to the Congress anyway.
Probably heard saying: "I've never had a threesome, but I'm an experimental person".
Pablo Iglesias (UP)
Pablo Iglesias looking very presidential with that tie he bought at LIDL for the special occasions
Blessed with the moral compass of Machiavelli and the flexibility of a tapeworm, former chekist Iglesias sees himself as the next president of Spain. It wasn't an easy path. He had to purge Podemos from dissenters and make a number of difficult concessions in order to increase his mainstream appeal, the last of them wearing a two-piece suit at a gala. His latest boo-boo was casually flaunting his pride about having been a young Communist (implying that he's no longer one), which stung his Lenin adoring partners at IU like the fiery whip of capitalism. His position as the leader of Podemos (and the opposition) appears to be rock solid no matter what happens in the next days.
Probably heard saying: "I'm a convinced Social Democrat of Maoist roots".
Random election stuff that international GAF may find amusing:
- In a desperately misguided attempt at
pandering reaching to citizens of Latin American roots (whom are largely rallying for Podemos), the PP released a merengue version of the party's song. Apparently, they also pondered a reggaeton version before going for the merengue remix (I wish I were joking). The press corps had a good day with it. So did The Internet.
- Podemos shocked pretty much everyone with the printed version of the party platform, which closely emulates the look and feel of Ikea's catalogues. Supporters were amused. Designers and political analysts raved about it for its uncanny ability to connect with its target. The PSOE wasted no time mocking it, claiming that "you can't sell a country" as if it were cheap Swedish furniture. The PP was to busy burning the dance floor.
- Electoral legislation forbids Spanish outlets from publishing polls a few days before the elections; a highly controversial measure designed to hurt smaller parties by reducing their visibility. But there's always a way. The Andorran edition of Spanish newspaper El Periódico runs its own polls that are later cheekely reproduced as the latest fruit prices (complete with emojis) or the occupation rates of the subway line to the Moncloa Palace. Last time their pollster was way off, but it sure makes for an amusing read. As a rule of thumb, you shouldn't trust polls. With that said...
Cute.
When:
Polls will close the 26th at 20:00 CET. Results will start flowing 30 minutes to one hour later. Let the Purge begin.
