Time for FORKSMASH VOLUME 5. If you don't know, I am playing every character online in 1v1 For Glory mode, each time against a new person. The wins aren't coming easily, but I play for FUN not to win. Or at least that's what I tell myself. I am the first fighter listed.
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4
Ness vs. Donkey Kong
This DK wasn't pink, blasphemous! The battle started with him charging his punch and myself trying to spam PK Fire and missing. I potshotted him whenever I could and tried to dodge his big attacks. He couldn't dodge my yo-yo correctly most of the time so I got a few good hits in. He grabbed the first stock though with his mega charged punch. Shouldn't that have worn off by then? I tied it up with a questionable aerial attack. I honestly didn't know it connected, at first I thought DK hit me with his down air. You know in samurai moves when two guys duel and they just kinda stand there until one of them falls over? It was exactly that but in the air and with a monkey. I sat at 56% and things were looking grim, but I managed to get some big smash attacks in, including a fully charged side smash that he ran into. There were so many moments when both of us were a millisecond away from claiming victory, but he closed it out with a big punch. Good match though, probably one of the most tense I've had in Forksmash. Winner: Donkey Kong
Captain Falcon vs. Kirby
Gaur Plains with You Will Know Our Names in the background. Could this be anything but an epic battle? I snatched a clear advantage early on, but I kept getting caught in Kirby's infinite jabs and smashes. I couldn't land anything to save my life and he blocked all of my smashes and immediately followed up with a grab. My grab game is so terrible in this game and I don't know why, I always miss them by a mile. Kirby basically just poked me like I was an ape in a cage and then finished me off with some smashes. Winner: Kirby
Villager vs. Yoshi
Keep spamming those fucking eggs Yoshi you cheap piece of Winner: Yoshi
Olimar vs. Sonic
Olimar is one of those guys I just cannot play. I don't care about learning him, I don't care about his technique, I just. Don't. Care. Sonic basically just rolled into me the entire time until I devised a brilliant strategy: just start throwing Pikmin. This tactic was so incredible that I literally ran out the five minute time limit. He killed me in sudden death, thus making everything an incredible waste. CAN I PLEASE WIN. Winner: Sonic
Wii Fit Trainer vs. Toon Link
Wii Fit Trainer is one of my favorite newcomers that simply doesn't get enough love. This Toon Link wasn't very spammy with his projectiles which was a relief, and I actually managed to hit him a few times with some well-timed sun salutations. Not only did I win, I didn't even lose a single stock. COMEBACK TIME. Winner: Wii Fit Trainer
Dr. Mario vs. Mega Man
Begun, the clone wars have. Did you know you can deflect Mega Man's side smash with the cape? You can! I was smacking him harder than Capcom does until he started to spam that fucking tornado. That thing goes on for way to long and I always botch my block and roll. If you roll backwards, you're just going to get caught by that fucking thing and if you roll forwards, he's so far away from you that he's just going to do it again. Dr. Mario lost because he's the worst, just the worst. Winner: Mega Man
Dark Pit vs. Ike
Fucking Dark Pit. What's the point of the double shield move if there's such a long reset time afterwards that Ike can just fucking grab you. It's like you're basically trading a strike for a grab. Fucking Dark Pit. Winner: Ike
Lucina vs. Samus
Welcome to the world's most boring game of keep away. Every time I tried to get close, she would just scoot away and try to peg me with lasers. Eventually I could predict her rolls and dodges well enough to land in some strong attacks. When fighting projectile heavy characters, Lucina feels like an armless man in a wheelchair. You really can't afford to mess up or the opponent will just chip off your health (or is it chip on your damage? I don't know). Luckily I was patient and managed to secure a victory, thus proving Lucina is the best clone. Winner: Lucina
Forksmash record: 17-27. There goes my .500 record. I really shouldn't play at this time of the day, only good people are on. Only one more row to go! I'll try to crunch some numbers and break down the most common opponent, who I lost most to etc.