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[Jedeye Sniv]

All the luck in the world - i'm not too sure what to think of this one, I was fairly confused around the mid point change of scene, and I don't really understand how one has much to do with the other. I'm afraid the prose didn't help me to figure it out either - I understand the style of being oblique and to sketch in detail, but for most of the sory I had very little idea of who was talking to who, and what their relationships were to each other? I think the relationship half was the strongest though, and I think the speech from ather to son was very sweet and wise, although I wasn't entirely sure what prompted it. The father seemed almost too wise, as if you'd thought of something poignant to say and needed to find a way to build a story around it.

Mind Of A Rider - I enjoyed this a lot. I think the period setting worked really well, and made me think about branching my writing out to other locales and genres. I think the first third set up that old west feel quIte well, although I have to agree with MikeWorks that the montage paragraph was some of the more interesting material in the story, it was a shame to see it used up so quickly. I feel that maybe you could have foreshadowed his claustrophobia, and it would have been harder hitting if we were really with him in that cave instead of being removed from the incident as we were. Still, I give credit to the inventive setting and easy to read prose.

resume - an ineteresting set up for this one, it read like a profile in a newspaper or magazine, is that what you were going for? Actually reminded me a lot of Dollhouse which I'm currently watching. It's an interesting concept, and I think you got across that classic if generic sci fi feel of the offices and the scientist quite well. It was quite generic though, I think it could have used some unique flourishes to set it aside from the million other sf medical corporation places you see. I liked the 'experience' part of the story, it was bitter sweet and twisted in a way that lots of good sf can be around these typed of subjects. As a genre exercise I thought you did really well. Nice prose too.

Valerie Cherish story - tbh, I'm not sure sure if I get the point of this one. Girl shows guy YouTube vid, guy doesn't care, guy doesn't get laid? Well I guess if anything you get points for veracity, good sex and a lovers happiness is oft lost by thoughtlessness that seems inconsequential at the time. I thought the prose style was very clean and readable, but I didn't leave the story having felt anything. I wasn't intrigued or amused or pulled through the story, and so I don't think it worked for me on that level. It seemed a bit churlish of the girl to react like that, the guy could have been busy, and if shes anything like me, shes always showing random crap to her partner who is always trying to show off one thing or another. You move on and get on with it, no big deal. I dont think it was really worth the angst afforded it here, beyond a momentary "hmph". Sorry!

Remembrance - I liked this. It was one of those stories where at first I had no idea what was going on, and immediately began reading again once I'd finished with the new information to recontextualise it. Very well written, very sparing and exact? I liked the elegance of the link between the characters, although I have to admit I was a little lost when it came to some of the names in the story, I had to double check to see if the stories were related since the names feature so prominently. But that's just a nitpick, overall it was an engaging and enjoyable read.

White Lobster - this was a mixed bag for me. In a lot of ways it was the strongest story. The setting was very refreshing, and I really liked the authentic feeling local touches. It felt like I was there. I also thought the non-linear story was a fantastic idea and was very well executed. Each part lead fairly seamlessly into the next and I was rarely confused. On the other hand, the ending was a little poor and felt a bit silly. IMO it would have been cool just to leave the two guys on the island - maybe they survived, maybe they didn't, but the irony of having them both be there would be enough for me. The prose was also a little lumpy, I think a little more time spent editing and shaving some of the sentences down would have paid off. But with some minor grammar and clunkiness issues aside, it was a really entertaining read with a story that felt much larger in scope than it was.

Last Contact - a really great premise, I admire the restraint with with the story was told. It was so restrained that it almost felt like someone live tweeting the event (by a poet rather than some eighteen year old knobhead). Was a very sad little story. Felt very airless and dead, like a series of photographs rather than a movie, and I felt it worked well for the most part. I think the brevity works in its favour though, since that kind of airless narration can stifle after a while. In this case, there was just enough. I wonder, is this a metaphor for a breakup? Good stuff.

How to Fall To Your Death and Keep Living - was a little let down by the content since it sounds like a great spy story or something, it was a fairly touching effort, although I think it should have had a little more impact. By having the narrator talk in the past tense at the time of the accident, it robs it somewhat of its drama. And then when there is no real conflict with either the parents or the friend, it reads more like an impassive imparting of these events, rather than something to tug at the heartstrings. I think that if you had given it more pathos, or maybe the opposite and made it a little more flippant and laugh-in-the-face-of-death it would have been a little more engaging. It was a good read though, nicely written and constructed.

Good work everyone! And thanks for the kind words to the guys that have crit-ed already. I need to do more of these here's my votes:

1. White Lobster
2. Mind of a rider
3. Remembrance

 

[British Monsoon]

Ashes1396 - well written, but seems slightly unfocussed and a little disjointed between the first and second half. I liked the picture you painted in the opening, and the dialogue style works well, although I found it to be a bit confusing later on in the church.

Jedeye Sniv - this is a very well executed piece, and you do a great job of painting the picture of a sullen teenager, maybe too clever for his own good, and some of the prose is excellent, especially as Craig takes a wry look at what his life could be like left at the service station. The ending could do with a little work, I personally found it hard to believe that Craig's parents had gone so long without noting his absence, or that he wouldn't initially accept the help of the Brummie at the end. Incidentally, was the "what are you drawing for?" meant as a nod to Bill Hicks? All I could think of after reading that paragraph was "well, I guess I read for a lot of reasons, one of 'em is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress."

Tangent - I really liked the tone used in this piece, it has a warm feel to it that, for me, served to enhance the growing tension towards the climax. The ending itself however felt abrubt, and the letter lacked the appropriate punch. I was expecting that in the tunnel Walter would hear his father's voice again, whose words would then guide him through to the other side.

Valerie Cherish - rather than a story, this felt like more of a snapshot of a moment, one that typifies the state of the relationship between the two characters. You do a good job of etablishing the situation at hand, but it felt like it could have donw with being a bit longer.

Sober - this was well written, told it's story with a minimum of fuss and had a good conclusion. I liked the dialogue between the two characters, and how the "more alike than you know" line foreshadowed their similar back-stories, but felt the premise could have been fleshed out more.

Esiquio - I liked the story you told here and found the structure you told it in to be very effective. However, the best moments for me came from Daniel recalling his story before the storm, the tone sounded natural and flowed well, whereas the prose in the present tense sections felt a bit stilted and could have done with a bit of editing imo.

Cyan - nice little story that ends well, conveying the sad confusion of humanity left behind, but I would have liked to see more to it.

Tim the Wiz - I liked the melancholy feel of this piece, and found it to be quite touching, especially towards the end. Great stuff.

1. Tim the Wiz
2. Sober
3. Jedeye Sniv

HM; Tangent, Esiquio

 

[Tangent]

MikeWorks, you are an excellent critic. No wonder you are a fine writer as well!

Esiquio: As I mentioned, thanks for the note about the point of view. I can see how that was confusing... I was trying to go for 3rd person but I can see how it got confusing. Also, in the tunnel:

Spoiler

I meant to keep that somewhat ambiguous, but basically Walter had severe claustrophobia despite how good he was at his job in so many other ways, and he basically had a panic attack and stopped breathing and also fell off his horse that fled.

MikeWorks: Thanks for the feedback. I totally agree that all the fun, adventurous parts were said in one sentence! The stuff about the grizzly bear and the tribe, etc. I ALWAYS struggle with this! I WANT to expand on that stuff, but if it doesn't seem to actually carry the plot forward, than it seems like an aside. I'll have to figure out what to do with that because I agree with you: I think that stuff was the most interesting and yet it was completely glossed over. Oh haha, I didn't even notice that about all the names introduced at once -- thanks for the heads up. I'll definitely check out those 2 westerns that you mentioned as well.

Okay, so I'm going to try to dish out some crits, but my critiquing skills aren't quite as refined.

Ashes: I've noticed that a lot of the times, your stories come into different parts -- often numbered! This time, no numbers. But, I was confused with the transition between the couple and the cancer patient. I really liked the casual, short, quick dialog without dialog tags.

Jedeye Sniv: In the very few first sentences, I wasn't entirely sure if I'd get into this, but then I really, really liked it. There were several times in the read that I smiled. I think there are components of this teen's life that I think absolutely anyone could relate to. I think it was very well written and I loved how his imagination took off, and yet it didn't seem tangential at all. (Like a tangential tangent.) It all fit in very well. I'm still thinking about how to overcome that reaction I had with the 1st few lines, but it could just be me. Sometimes when I start reading a new voice, it just takes me a while. So maybe that was just it.

Bootaaay: I very much liked the concept of this story and I think you executed it well. It reminded me of the thought process I had watching several of my top favorite movies. The only part that got me was the last paragraph starting with "Our interview concluded..." -- it seemed almost too non-fiction like or telling vs. showing or something. But I did like the dialog between the interviewer and the main character -- well done.

Valerie Cherish: I liked how this felt dark in a way -- but I wonder, if that's the mood you were going for, if you could have just gone all out with that. Also, I really liked how we got to hear the main character's thought processes, but the dialog revealed very little: a realistic contrast. It sort of reminded me of "Monster's Ball" in that way... where we know the characters are thinking of a ton, but only hear very little, and it just shows how badly people communicate sometimes. Haha. In this case, maybe you could even make their miscommunication, or lack of communication, or assumption-making patterns even more pronounced as well. In the process, I think the reader will be able to relate to the characters even more. I think they were relate-able, but by hearing more about what they're thinking, we'll get a sense of their baggage as well.

Sober: I really liked the idea of this story but there were times that I got a little confused about the context, but that could just be me. Anyway, I liked how reflective this piece was, without being reflective overtly.

Esiquio: I really like the setting of this story and how you broke it up into different sections. But there were times where it felt a little disconnected and it was hard to follow pieces of flashbacks, etc. Perhaps trying to slow it down a little would help.

Cyan: "Cute" piece. It definitely made me chuckle how it seemed satirical or ironic. I felt like I had a good understanding of the humans' perspectives but it would have been nice to either know the motives behind the aliens more, or know more about their personalities. But maybe part of the point WAS to keep those two aspects mysterious to the reader.

Tim the Wiz: I think this one hit a personal cord with me. Not because I have been in the exact same situation, but because the main character was so believable and so easy to relate to. I liked the sense of resilience, and didn't seem forced at all.

I was expecting that in the tunnel Walter would hear his father's voice again, whose words would then guide him through to the other side.

Snap, having the father's voice guide him through the tunnel would have been a cool idea.

 

[Irish]

Damn, we're really coming close to 100.

 

[Cyan]

Damn, we're really coming close to 100.

That means you're going to enter next time, in hopes of winning the coveted spot. Yes?

 

[Sober]

Comments:

Bootaaay: is it just more or does that premise sound familiar to me? I'm thinking of something like that Schwarzenegger movie (The Sixth Day)

Valerie Cherish: I sat through that video, it wasn't my cup of tea but it was pretty cool. With the story, I feel like there was more to it than just that, like it was a series of similar situations between the two and you chose this one.

Cyan: Short but I liked it, very succinct. I know why the aliens left! They found all those movies of us always killing them!

Tim the Wiz: Feels like a terrible what-if for me because I'm sure I did at least half as crazy things trying to impress the girls back as a kid hoping not to wipe out and completely break something.

Esiquio: Wow, haven't written in a while? That was a pretty good entry in fact. I personally like the flashback structure even if it feel a bit disconnected at times. Maybe if the initial meeting was the first flashback it wouldn't feel as disjointed because at least the flashbacks are also traveling to the same point instead of backwards (from the start of the story).

Votes:
1. Tangent
2. Esiquio
3. Jedeye Sniv
HMs: Ashes, Bootaaay

 

[Valerie Cherish]

These are quick and I don't know if I can handle re-reading my comments and I'm a terrible person and I should have done this earlier (I'll probably print the entries out next time because it's easier for me), BUT:

Ashes - While stylistic, the lack of quotation marks threw me off at times. I did like seeing the blocks of dialogue without them though. My favorite line was: "I'm dying here... he said to himself. I've told him I'm dying, and this guy can't keep his eyes off a girl, cause she's wearing a short dress." Until reading Mike Works' comments, it apparently went over my head that the guy in the church was the narrator.

Jedeye Sniv - I enjoyed just about all of this; however, the ending is what stuck out the most to me. I got the impression that this was a character that didn't want to "give up," so I didn't know if that look was because he was about to "give up" after such a short amount of time or if he was just looking that way. My favorite part was about he figured out how long the family would have had to drive before noticing he was missing, because it was the first thing I thought of while reading and realizing what was happening.

Tangent - I loved the paragraph that started with "But Russel was right: there were obstacles." It was a lot of information packed just right for me. I liked the timid cowboy image, but also felt the crippling claustrophobia came out of nowhere for me.

Bootaaay - Originally, I was mad at main character. I thought he drove a taxi and I was like "Why is he putting on this show for the cab driver that came to pick him up!?" So, I kept reading and when I got to the end, I realized it was a journalist and this sounded like an article from Details or such and I really enjoyed it once I figured out what was happening. So, I don't think it needs to be explicit that the main character is a journalist, but I could maybe see other people getting thrown off by that if I did so easily. Loved the concept and that it wasn't an exact memory. It made me wonder what Dr. Akerman was trying to hold onto.

Sober - Definitely liked the dialogue in this piece. I would've asked about chairs than the whole "how does this death thing work?" too.

Esiquio - I liked this line: "God had saved him from the Maras today, only to finish the job Himself." I think I was going crazy from reading too much, but at first I was like "this is too action-packed for me" and then I was saying "too many words!" when I got the end. Everything in between I really enjoyed. I felt like less dialogue at the end would have ended it stronger to me.

Cyan - This was not a perspective I would have thought of and I loved it. I just felt like the very short paragraphs broke up the piece a lot for me.

Tim the Wiz - The comparison of someone to the stature of Jesus above Rio made me smile. As the story was making this situation kinda humorous/light, I felt like "So much for my big chance" would have been a proper ending, because I started thinking "this is a weirdly hopeful outcome."

-----

The Votes

1. Cyan
2. Tim the Wiz
3. Bootaaay

-----

THANK YOU to all for critiques and comments. Special thanks to anyone who watched the titular (?) video

Spoiler

Actual spoiler: there wasn't any intended correlation between the video and the words of the piece

 

[Esiquio]

I agree with a lot of what Mike Works said, but he just put it better than I could (and I think he had more time than I did )

Tangent, if you wrote a longer version that included that awesome montage as a part of the story and were able to make it fit in the arc, I would totally read it. I appreciate your commentary and all the other feedback, I'm really going to take it to heart and do an edit of my story. I'm thinking, what's the point of listening to the feedback unless we act on it and make the suggested improvements? I'll post a new copy up here in a few days in case anyone is interested.

Now where's the rest of the votes? Less than an hour left...oh yeah, I think E3 is going on right now...

 

[Mike Works]

Valerie Cherish - http://youtu.be/xqjj8rzeU1o: A little confused by this one. Seems to be a small scene showcasing a dysfunctional, or perhaps dying relationship. Not really a fully-realized story yet.

Sober - Remembrance: The structure and how it ties in with the setting(s) are laid out well, but I’m not sure if they’re properly utilized. For instance, when they enter the setting of Angela’s memory, do they see a younger Angela with her parents? What is the purpose for that new setting (aside from moving out of the blank room)? There’s nothing wrong with focusing a story almost completely around dialogue, but I was yearning for more out of that new setting than just “this was my last happy memory.” Apart from that, I found plot a little difficult to follow at times; I wasn’t sure if they were in purgatory or heaven, or if Angela was going back to Hell, and where they were hoping to go back to, and how they were going to accomplish that, and what decorating a room had to do with it. I’m sure most of those answers are in there somewhere, but it could use some clarity.

Esiquio - White Lobster: Very nicely written action, though this piece overwhelming feels more like an Uncharted cutscene than something more literary. I found the structure of the piece a little baffling: we start (chronologically) near the end with five paragraphs of full-on action, then the piece transitions to earlier in the story with nine paragraphs of… full-on action. Then we transition forward back in time for one paragraph that mainly consists of action. Then we transition further back in the story to a scene of dialogue and interactions past the level of shouting threats! Why is the piece so bombarded with action up front? Even this scene doesn’t have much character depth; it’s primarily just moving the plot. By the time we finally open up the protagonist in nearly any way, the story’s practically over. I’d suggest analyzing the internal struggles that the protagonist is forced to go through (almost all of which reside in flashbacks, and at the very end where he decides to stay with the henchman) and figure out how that can be injected much, much earlier into the story. Without it, the characters feel more like character models.

Cyan - Last Contact: I’m going to dare you right now to not write speculative fiction for our next challenge. You can feel free to dare me to actually write a story for the next one if you like (but your threats mean NOTHING TO ME, CYAN). This was a curious little short, but it’s tough to extrapolate much from it if one side says absolutely nothing. Especially if it’s a bunch of aliens, to which we have little to relate to in the real world (and thus can’t superimpose potential ideals and mindsets as easily). There are dozens of places this piece could go, but for now it still feels like a seed.

Tim the Wiz - How To Fall To Your Death and Keep Living: I couldn’t read your story, because the site you published it on made me enter a captcha, enter the password, enter another captcha, and then wouldn’t let me view the story until I completed a survey to win a new iPhone. For the record, this all happened on my iPad and maybe it’s different on a PC, but in the future I might recommend publishing elsewhere.

 

[Mike Works]

Votes:

1. Jedeye Sniv - Two Hours and Seventeen Minutes
2. Esiquio - White Lobster
3. Tangent - Mind of a Rider

 

[Bombadil]

How can I get in on this? When's the next one?

 

[Tim the Wiz]

1. Bootaaay - Agree with the rest of the crits, that this story needs some revision, but I loved the concept here.
2. Sober - Good dialogue, well-constructed concept.
3. Cyan - Beautifully written.

HMs: Everyone. Seriously, a nice spread this challenge.

Tim the Wiz - How To Fall To Your Death and Keep Living: I couldn’t read your story, because the site you published it on made me enter a captcha, enter the password, enter another captcha, and then wouldn’t let me view the story until I completed a survey to win a new iPhone. For the record, this all happened on my iPad and maybe it’s different on a PC, but in the future I might recommend publishing elsewhere.

Since you managed to view Valerie's story on tinypaste, I guess it might have been a weird fluke. Unfortunate, but I think I'll stick with tinypaste for now; although dropbox seems appealing.

 

[Cyan]

Ashes1396 - "All the luck in the world" - Great first half, very evocative. Totally lost the thread at the part where it switches to religion. Going back, I can see that the point I got lost is where "I" got introduced to the story. We shifted from third-person to first-person, and my understanding of the story was completely derailed (seriously, to the point where I hadn't realized the atheist and the guy asking the girl to marry him were the same character). If you want to do this, I suggest introducing the "I" earlier. Not necessarily as a character, but at least as a point of view.

Jedeye Sniv - "Two Hours and Seventeen Minutes" - As others have said, great work on voice and POV in this one. The personality of the kid really carries this one along. What I'm not really feeling is the conflict. It's fairly clear by the end that he needs to get in touch with his family, but is conflicted about doing it. But I want to see a bit more of that earlier on. Maybe a few more moments where he sees a possible solution and rejects it, then goes back into his rambling thoughts.

Tangent - "Mind of a Rider" - I both like and don't like the opening. It gets right into the theme of the story, the mind of the rider, and being pushed to breaking point. And it does it well. But it also takes us forward and then immediately backward, creating a kind of whiplash. By that I mean that it tells us about Rubin seeing Russell's sign, and then leaps back to the past to something completely unrelated. The vignette with Moses would normally be a fine starting place, since it serves as a good introduction to the character, but in this story it doesn't work. Your opening paragraph knew better--the starting point is the sun-kissed grass just north of Kansas City, when he sees the sign. The ending feels a little off, and I think it's because the narration suddenly changes from a fairly tight third person to an omniscient view. Actually, the same thing happens when the kid at the way station sees him coming. Dunno, might change that. Anyway. Plenty of stuff to like about this one--the character just feels right for the period; it all feels grounded. But it could've been even stronger with a few fixes.

Bootaaay - "Resume" - Love the idea, love the prose-level execution. Seriously, your writing at the prose level is regularly some of the best in this group. I'm not as taken with the structure. It works at first, a man exploring something unusual, but then we hit the VR portion and it goes slightly sideways. Thinking about it, I feel like the problem may be a lack of a concrete goal for the MC. What is he trying to accomplish here? There might be several levels--maybe he wants to discover the truth about the company (in which case it needs to be much harder for him to find out what's going on), maybe, as the format suggests, he's writing a newspaper article to convince readers that this company is bad news (in which case his slant needs to be made much more clear). No goal means no conflict, and no conflict means no story.

Valerie Cherish - http://youtu.be/xqjj8rzeU1o - Aw. Nice, brief, captures the right emotion. This is one of those pieces where I want to say: raise the stakes! By which I mean that the conflict is there, but it doesn't feel as strong as it should. She doesn't try as hard as she might. She gives up too easily. She doesn't feel the bite of failure as hard as she might. Amp it up a little! There's a place for quiet stories that don't push too hard, but I feel like this one needs a little more push.

Sober - "Remembrance" - I got kind of lost at first. Either you're using omniscient POV, but only briefly, or there's some POV error. Be sure not to go accidentally omniscient! We start out in a tightish third on Angela, then swap to Russel and stick with him. I suggest that you either remove the Angela POV at the start, or embrace omniscient and do a bit more head-hopping (the former is much easier; I find that it's really challenging to do omniscient well--it's just so inelegant!). I like the basic notion of this one even so, with the filling out of the room with old memories and all that. It's relaxed, pleasant. ... raise the stakes!

Esiquio - "White Lobster" - I liked a lot about this one, in particular the basic structure where we swap between the MC in the ocean, and some earlier scene relating to the story, each with its own mini-conflict. Great work. I also like the feel of the piece; it feels real and grounded up to the end. Now, the white lobster scene, where he agrees to take the cocaine. It feels a bit light and weak after the bit where he loses his life-jacket. Doesn't have the same life-or-death thing going for it, mainly because he just gives in. Can't he push back at all? The entirety of his resistance is nodding reluctantly. I want to see something more. Finally, the ending doesn't work for me. The rest of the story feels grounded, and then we've got this magical cleansing wave at the end. If that's divine intervention, then why did he get saved by the hurricane and the island to begin with? I think this might be a good story for an ambiguous ending--he tells the guy he'll stay with him, they sit down, and cut. Or if you really want the ending, pepper the scene with some clues. The waves are pounding the island, the water growing ever choppier. The water pulls back from the beach, and...

Tim the Wiz - "How To Fall To Your Death And Keep Living" - Man, it was just cardiac arrest? What a ripoff. The opening is great. Love the line about "her accent was rough, like nothing else about her" ha! Says a lot briefly. As soon as he falls, though, we go kinda narrative summary. This had happened and that had happened, and by the way it had been months somehow. I do like the moment when his friend comes in. More like that!

Mike Works - "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" - I DARE YOU TO WRITE A STORY!


Votes:
1. Jedeye Sniv - "Two Hours and Seventeen Minutes"
2. Esiquio - "White Lobster"
3. Tangent - "Mind of a Rider"
HM: Bootaaay

 

[Cyan]

Ashes, you around? I'd prefer to call it now rather than tomorrow morning--we may not have a forum at that point.

How can I get in on this? When's the next one?

New topic should go up tomorrow. There'll be a link in this thread to the new one, so just follow that and write a story!

Last Contact - ... I wonder, is this a metaphor for a breakup?

Cyan: "Cute" piece.

Ha! I saw that.

Cyan - Last Contact: I’m going to dare you right now to not write speculative fiction for our next challenge.

We'll see. I would take you up on it, but I've got this little notion bouncing around my head, that I want to do if the next theme meshes well with it.

 

[Valerie Cherish]

Ashes, you around? I'd prefer to call it now rather than tomorrow morning--we may not have a forum at that point.

Honestly, I'm surprised off-topic was up today.

EDIT: Had a related E3 .gif here, but... probably don't need to do that. However, it's here

Spoiler

E3 Hype Train!!

 

[Cyan]

The Results:
1st Place: Jedeye Sniv - "Two Hours and Seventeen Minutes"
2nd Place: Tangent - "Mind of a Rider"
3rd Place: Esiquio - "White Lobster"

Vote Count:
Jedeye Sniv - 11 (2)
Tangent - 10 (2)
Esiquio - 9 (1)
Tim the Wiz - 8 (2)
Cyan - 6 (1)
Sober - 5
Bootaaay - 4 (1)
Valerie Cherish - 1

Congrats, Jedeye! First time doing a challenge, right? Well done, my man. Glad to see all that NaNoing hasn't been for naught.

You're on the clock! Time to come up with a theme for the next one.

 

[British Monsoon]

Congrats Jedeye

Thinking about it, I feel like the problem may be a lack of a concrete goal for the MC. What is he trying to accomplish here? There might be several levels--maybe he wants to discover the truth about the company (in which case it needs to be much harder for him to find out what's going on), maybe, as the format suggests, he's writing a newspaper article to convince readers that this company is bad news (in which case his slant needs to be made much more clear). No goal means no conflict, and no conflict means no story.

Yeah, I really found it difficult to provide any conflict in the story, and in the end stumped for the journalist's moral assessment of the product, which in retrospect was unnecessary as the reader will likely come to those same conclusions anyway - I was going to have a whole thing about his editor ordering him to a do a fluff piece covering little more than what the company offered, and then have him struggle with whether he should tow the line, despite his distaste for the whole concept of Resume.

is it just more or does that premise sound familiar to me? I'm thinking of something like that Schwarzenegger movie (The Sixth Day)

I'm sure something similar has been done before somewhere, and I guess it's kinda like Total Recall in a sense, with the memory tampering machine. The Sixth Day is about clones, iirc.

A concept that started off wonderful and clear, but then became a bit muddled and didn’t fully form into a story. The initial setting and world-building was set up nicely (I think the protagonist could spend an extra paragraph or two at the beginning outside of the Resume Industries technological paradise… perhaps he could be conflicted with something separate from the interview… a memory?). I also found myself very intrigued with what I first perceived Akerman’s “invention” to be; a virtual avatar of a person created by physical information (i.e. Facebook posts, emails, etc.). I actually stopped reading, sat back, and wondered what my virtual AI representation would be like if it was a culmination of all of my online activity, and how different it would be from the real me. I found this question fascinating. Unfortunately, the whole “virtual reality” aspect became part of the equation (admittedly VR was introduced early through the VR Arcade, but I found myself wishing it wasn’t). Once the protagonist was reliving a VR setting, I found myself losing some interest toward the concept (and I was also confused as to how the setting was perfectly recreated, etc). Then we come to the final paragraph, which is pretty much just the writer (Bootaaay, not the protagonist) typing out his opinion on this hypothetical. In fact, aside from the strong opening scene, the entire story feels more like a hypothetical than a story. There’s next to no conflict between the protagonist and Akerman, almost no tension in any of the scenes. Which is too bad, because there’s some really interesting stuff manifested in this concept. I think it’s a piece with promise, and one I would suggest revisiting. Oh, and if you ever do meet the AI VR version of online me, I swear I’m less of a dick in real life.

Thanks for the detailed critique Mike, really very helpful - and yeah, the concept of an AI being made from a dead person's online presence was what started me off on this idea. A couple of things I touched on in the story; "parents paying to see a fictional representation of what their dead child might have become, or a partner maintaining a relationship with a virtual of their dead spouse", are what I wanted to base the story on, but once I hit on the idea of VR and exploring past memories, it kind of changed the whole thing, and probably not for the better.

Since you managed to view Valerie's story on tinypaste, I guess it might have been a weird fluke. Unfortunate, but I think I'll stick with tinypaste for now; although dropbox seems appealing.

I actually had the same problem - I read Valerie's story early in the evening just fine, but an hour or so later I tried to read yours and kept getting hit with a survey pop-up that just wouldn't go away. In the end, I had to install ScriptNo for chrome to bypass it.

 

[Cyan]

J, you out there?

 

[Jedeye Sniv]

Hey WritingGAF! Thanks very much for the votes and crits everyone, this is awesome Never really won anything for my writing before (or ever really shown much to anyone) so this is a really nice confidence boost, I'll definitely join in more often. Just mulling some ideas over for the next thread, what's the protocol on this anyway? I'll post the new thread tomorrow I guess, with a deadline for the second friday after.

Thanks again guys, and great work to everyone that wrote, it's a good community here.

 

[Cyan]

Usually we want to get the new thread up right away. If you need until tomorrow to come up with something, then that's all right, but the sooner the better!

Check out the FAQ linked from the OP for a new challenge thread template. And the list of prior challenges if you need some ideas.

 

[Tangent]

Congrats Jedeye! Great way to start!


Cyan, thanks for the feedback. Really good point about the "two openings" and how it skips back and forth. And also, about the point of view as well. Good stuff to think about.

 

[Jedeye Sniv]

New thread!

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=38595396#post38595396