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Add me to the list. What the fuck is going on

Amiga

Member
Jul 8, 2020
1,834
2,779
520
nothing is wrong here, marriage and breakup is part of human culture since humans started. some people work things out, some force things to sustain, some move on.

some get carried away by romantic dreams and forget the reality of it, marriage is a lot of work.
 
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-Minsc-

Member
Nov 14, 2009
3,352
691
1,080
I'm definitely far from your situation so I can not say I understand. The best I can say is to focus on being the best person and father you can be.

She was/is out of my league on absolutely cosmic levels, the gulf between us massive. I always knew this, but just figured I got lucky. Figured maybe I'd stay lucky. Naive. Stupid.

An opinion I have is your wife has her issues and you have yours. If there is one thing each of us should learn is that the woman we marry is not out of our league. The fact we marry her shows that she was in our league. Of course it can be easy to doubt this. After all, we are only human.
 
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QuantumZebra

Member
Dec 5, 2013
10,391
3,223
990
Atlanta, GA
As a father and husband I can't fathom what that would do to me. I just recently lost my mom though, and my world is dark right now as well.

I can only offer prayers for your family, and that the advice given here is good: focus on your wonderful daughter, and being the best father you can. If your wife has made up her mind, it is what it is. Do your best to limit your daughters trauma - be her shield.
 

MachRc

Member
Mar 19, 2021
381
875
315
For as long as I can remember men talking about divorce and the pitfalls of divorce has been stigmatized as being beta or uncool.
We don't usually talk about it. Especially not on the internet

It's something we don't do because we may see it as unmanly, worried about being labeled as incels ,
and for some reason we tend to internalize it.

It doesnt make you any less cooler, or any lesser of a man to speak openly about it.
Its refreshing and it helps to talk about your feelings and be able to express your frustrations and worries.
If anything you realize there are so many of us that have gone through the same thing and come out on the other side.
I hope we can all have this support system, always.

There are no picnics for father's rights. There are no pamphlets out there to help you. We must help each other.
Im going to generalize it, but men who have come before us and left their kids and mothers have put a seriously unfair family law system for us to navigate through.
The child support system is soul crushing, and the tactics parents use to take 100% custody of children is sickening.
The more we talk about it, the more we can help each other and the more we learn about these issues.

take good care of yourself P-daddy!
 

Northeastmonk

Gold Member
Mar 18, 2013
14,222
3,368
970
Omaha, NE - USA
I think you’re going through enough. You’re a US Veteran. You have something to be proud of. If your wife isn’t willing to work through the difficult times then let her go. She isn’t going to mend any wounds at this point in time. Attachment isn’t a good thing when you aren’t happy with yourself. I am blessed in many ways, but I also get frustrated. My wife offers me nothing emotionally at times. I feel like she can be like a dude. This may be some dumb mommy issues, but it sure leaves a void. My mom left the house right after the divorce and I didn’t see her that often. Thankfully my kids help fill that void. I feel like I can have fun with my kids and my wife is a mixed bag. Divorce is something we both don’t want, but we also bring it up because we hear about her friends getting divorced left and right. One of the couples is going to try separation. Which 9 times out of 10 will lead to divorce. I’ve probably heard about 4-5 couples getting a divorce in the last 5 years.

I went to therapy with my wife when we met because she had filed for her divorce. It almost seems like it’s an easy way out for some people. I didn’t want to be alone either, but I also realize that spending a life being a slave to your emotions isn’t worth it either. My mom left my dad because he had health issues and she wanted sex and romance. My dad never bothered with dating because he was probably dead inside from all that stress. He died a single guy, but he also didn’t have someone yelling at him by the time he walked inside after work.

I think it’s a lot of work. If I ever got a divorce I think I’d be ok as long as I had my kids.
 
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p_xavier

Authorized Fister
Jun 9, 2004
4,813
1,768
1,845
Canadia
Maybe you're just too early in your own story.
I expect to be single for the rest of my life. Never had someone who would actually care enough to be in a relationship with me besides casual dating (thus so, so many exes). Thus it's not about being tone deaf to this, just that I don't get it since I never had some loving relationship. I've been living alone since I'm 15. I had actually paid thousands of dollars for professional dating services, no good result obviously.

A couple of coworkers, awkward below average guys, actually got Russian brides and it worked wonders for them.
 

Maiden Voyage

Gold™ Member
Sep 5, 2014
10,281
19,015
1,290
USA
I expect to be single for the rest of my life. Never had someone who would actually care enough to be in a relationship with me besides casual dating (thus so, so many exes). Thus it's not about being tone deaf to this, just that I don't get it since I never had some loving relationship. I've been living alone since I'm 15. I had actually paid thousands of dollars for professional dating services, no good result obviously.

A couple of coworkers, awkward below average guys, actually got Russian brides and it worked wonders for them.

back off no GIF by Sebastian Walldén
 

QuantumZebra

Member
Dec 5, 2013
10,391
3,223
990
Atlanta, GA
I expect to be single for the rest of my life. Never had someone who would actually care enough to be in a relationship with me besides casual dating (thus so, so many exes). Thus it's not about being tone deaf to this, just that I don't get it since I never had some loving relationship. I've been living alone since I'm 15. I had actually paid thousands of dollars for professional dating services, no good result obviously.

A couple of coworkers, awkward below average guys, actually got Russian brides and it worked wonders for them.

Well uh, there's that.
 

nush

Member
Oct 16, 2017
13,272
37,382
915
A long haul flight from wherever you are.
I expect to be single for the rest of my life. Never had someone who would actually care enough to be in a relationship with me besides casual dating (thus so, so many exes). Thus it's not about being tone deaf to this, just that I don't get it since I never had some loving relationship. I've been living alone since I'm 15. I had actually paid thousands of dollars for professional dating services, no good result obviously.

A couple of coworkers, awkward below average guys, actually got Russian brides and it worked wonders for them.
 

poodaddy

Member
May 2, 2015
5,055
1,512
800
Washington
Hey so uh, I see this thread getting updated.

Felt it's time to talk again. I've kind of dreaded this on some weird level because I wonder if I'll be berated or something, but I do know one thing; you guys helped me, you spoke with me, you heard me, so I'd like it if you heard me again.

We're moving, and we're trying to stay together. She says she's still not in love with me, and she doesn't know if she ever can be again, but she wants to try if I can try. I'm in therapy, I'm getting help for my depression, I've even got some medication that I haven't yet had the guts to try for some reason. I've got a gun lock for the pistol so I don't do something stupid.

I know I know. There's going to be opinions, completely justified ones, that I'm being an idiot. I thought about it long and hard, and I decided to do whatever it took to make her happy, change in any way possible. To be honest, it's not for me at this point, though I am still completely head over heels in love with her. What this has done to my daughter man......I can't put into words how awful I felt. It made me feel small and weak. I felt like a cliche, like a bad movie with routine dialogue and plot points. Just another man that couldn't keep his marriage together for his kids. My daughter will be ten soon, five days. I wondered how she'd remember all this, if she'd resent either me or my wife for this, and I couldn't bear the thought of either one.

It was an easy choice to make. I would spend the next ten years in a marriage with this woman, the woman of my dreams, knowing she doesn't love me, if only it kept my daughter happy. That would make me happier than putting her through what I went through when my parents divorced. I still think this marriage is salvageable. Some days she agrees with me. Some days she laughs with me and gives me that genuine beautiful smile. We still have sex. It's still amazing, but when I say I love you during she doesn't say it anymore. Sometimes she accidentally says it before she leaves, sometimes I think she means it. Sometimes when she says it I smile and say "ooohhhh!" and she laughs and says I'm an idiot, the way she used to when things were perfect. I know in those moments that she still feels something akin to love for me, and I know I can work on getting it back. I made an oath, and so did she. I meant it. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. The oath didn't say call it quits when things get tough. I'll work on this as long as humanly possible.

Maybe I'm a simp, an idiot, incel, jackass, weak, pussy whipped, any number of things. I don't know. I just know I love my family, and I'd do anything possible to keep it together, no matter what.

We're moving from WA state to Maine soon. Selling the property and taking advantage of the cheaper housing market in Maine versus WA state, may be able to buy our dream home in Maine for a mortgage of next to nothing. I'm hoping that the reduction in financial stress will follow through to other areas of our life. I truly feel that financial stress is a big part of what caused things to go down hill for us, and living in this fast paced area for the past twelve years has just added up to tons of stress. I was raised in a small town in East TN, and I think it's time to go back to simple East Coast living. Slow things down, save money, get out of the concrete jungle.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say, other than thank you guys so much, seriously I appreciate you guys more than you know. I welcome your opinions, and I promise not to be offended no matter what. You guys are the best, but please have a little faith in me here. I really do think I'm making the right decision, and at the very least I have to see this through as best I can.
 

BigBooper

Member
Feb 28, 2018
4,061
4,804
680
Hey so uh, I see this thread getting updated.

Felt it's time to talk again. I've kind of dreaded this on some weird level because I wonder if I'll be berated or something, but I do know one thing; you guys helped me, you spoke with me, you heard me, so I'd like it if you heard me again.

We're moving, and we're trying to stay together. She says she's still not in love with me, and she doesn't know if she ever can be again, but she wants to try if I can try. I'm in therapy, I'm getting help for my depression, I've even got some medication that I haven't yet had the guts to try for some reason. I've got a gun lock for the pistol so I don't do something stupid.

I know I know. There's going to be opinions, completely justified ones, that I'm being an idiot. I thought about it long and hard, and I decided to do whatever it took to make her happy, change in any way possible. To be honest, it's not for me at this point, though I am still completely head over heels in love with her. What this has done to my daughter man......I can't put into words how awful I felt. It made me feel small and weak. I felt like a cliche, like a bad movie with routine dialogue and plot points. Just another man that couldn't keep his marriage together for his kids. My daughter will be ten soon, five days. I wondered how she'd remember all this, if she'd resent either me or my wife for this, and I couldn't bear the thought of either one.

It was an easy choice to make. I would spend the next ten years in a marriage with this woman, the woman of my dreams, knowing she doesn't love me, if only it kept my daughter happy. That would make me happier than putting her through what I went through when my parents divorced. I still think this marriage is salvageable. Some days she agrees with me. Some days she laughs with me and gives me that genuine beautiful smile. We still have sex. It's still amazing, but when I say I love you during she doesn't say it anymore. Sometimes she accidentally says it before she leaves, sometimes I think she means it. Sometimes when she says it I smile and say "ooohhhh!" and she laughs and says I'm an idiot, the way she used to when things were perfect. I know in those moments that she still feels something akin to love for me, and I know I can work on getting it back. I made an oath, and so did she. I meant it. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. The oath didn't say call it quits when things get tough. I'll work on this as long as humanly possible.

Maybe I'm a simp, an idiot, incel, jackass, weak, pussy whipped, any number of things. I don't know. I just know I love my family, and I'd do anything possible to keep it together, no matter what.

We're moving from WA state to Maine soon. Selling the property and taking advantage of the cheaper housing market in Maine versus WA state, may be able to buy our dream home in Maine for a mortgage of next to nothing. I'm hoping that the reduction in financial stress will follow through to other areas of our life. I truly feel that financial stress is a big part of what caused things to go down hill for us, and living in this fast paced area for the past twelve years has just added up to tons of stress. I was raised in a small town in East TN, and I think it's time to go back to simple East Coast living. Slow things down, save money, get out of the concrete jungle.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say, other than thank you guys so much, seriously I appreciate you guys more than you know. I welcome your opinions, and I promise not to be offended no matter what. You guys are the best, but please have a little faith in me here. I really do think I'm making the right decision, and at the very least I have to see this through as best I can.
Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Given the way things have been and while you're in a better state, I would consider getting rid of the gun. I'm a big proponent of responsible gun ownership for self defense and all that, but if you are prone to depression and you're going through this high stress situation and felt at risk enough to get a gun lock, I'd strongly consider it for your kids sakes. The lock would only delay you by a few seconds if you really wanted to use it.

Strength brother.
 

Halo is Dead

Member
May 20, 2018
8,179
14,873
820
Maybe I'm a simp, an idiot, incel, jackass, weak, pussy whipped, any number of things. I don't know. I just know I love my family, and I'd do anything possible to keep it together, no matter what.
Hey man, I just wanted to say that the highlighted is nonsense. You sound like a great father, man, and husband to your wife. No need to kick yourself down. I think your daughter is very lucky to have you bro. I'm touched by how much you love and care for your daughter. You're taking all the right steps to recovery and I believe you can get through this. I've taken anti-depressants before and they really helped me out. Just be aware they take about a month or two to really kick in.
 

Cyberpunkd

Member
Dec 16, 2020
1,904
2,736
455
Your wife is a human, she's allowed to discover new things about herself and make mistakes. Maybe saying yes was a mistake. You're allowed to make mistakes, too.
Except due to mommy ‘discovering herself’ a child just had a panic attack. It’s like people do not get the fact that after you have kids they are your priority, not yourself.
 

lachesis

Member
Jun 17, 2004
4,217
1,491
1,665
Wishing you the best of luck, OP.

Imho, the reason she’s not in love with you is probably because you are head over hills in love with her and it’s so apparent. Stop being dependent on her. Fake it if you have to. Be strong, sturn and pretend whatever she said before don’t matter, nor constantly bombard her with her gift nor say “I love you” during sex and expect to hear back.

Those little things will drive her away even further. Don’t “try” to make her laugh or happy. That’s not your job. You cannot make her happy. Only herself can make herself happy. Ignore her a bit, and make her to chase you. Hide your burning love for her… at least for a good while. Don’t beg for sex either.

Do not devalue yourself by trying to ne the perfect guy/husband. Obviously that didn’t work out too well, right? She probably thinks you are too emotionally dependent on her. That’s a big turn off for a lot of girls. Girls don’t want to be with someone with self pity. That’s just not attractive.

Detach your feelings from her and focus on what’s at hand and yourself - and be happy being you, and by yourself. Strengthen your bond with your daughter and your daughter will remember that forever how good a father you are. Have some god damn fun! You’ve been suffering for quite some time, you certainly deserve some happiness in your life. Just put your wife on the back seat purposely and decidedly. Don’t engage in angry arguments, dodge and sway, step back and keep your cool at all cost if she confronts you. Smile. I know you are hurting inside, but never show that to her. Make her guess what you are up to.

When she sees you being truly happy and well on your own - only then she will be looking at you more favorably, wondering what’s going on?

You got a second chance that many don’t have. Just don’t blow it by doing the same exact thing you’ve been doing for past 10 years. Even if you end up being alone, at least you’d be saving years of pain by starting detaching yourself from her.

I know this maybe the opposite of what you may think - but unfortunately the niceness doesn’t seem to add up like money in the bank account in woman’s heart… and all your confessions may have worked counterproductive in this case. I apologize if this may have hurt your feelings - but as someone who also have been exact same situation - it’s just my honest advice for you.

Again, good luck, brother.
 

p_xavier

Authorized Fister
Jun 9, 2004
4,813
1,768
1,845
Canadia
High anxiety and Asperger's is never a good fit for dating. I had paralysis attacks on dates and once had the ambulance came in the restaurant because I was dying from a tetany attack from anxiety. So difficult to text back saying how did the date go?
 

8bitpill

Member
Mar 30, 2012
236
437
710
38
Maine
Hey so uh, I see this thread getting updated.

Felt it's time to talk again. I've kind of dreaded this on some weird level because I wonder if I'll be berated or something, but I do know one thing; you guys helped me, you spoke with me, you heard me, so I'd like it if you heard me again.

We're moving, and we're trying to stay together. She says she's still not in love with me, and she doesn't know if she ever can be again, but she wants to try if I can try. I'm in therapy, I'm getting help for my depression, I've even got some medication that I haven't yet had the guts to try for some reason. I've got a gun lock for the pistol so I don't do something stupid.

I know I know. There's going to be opinions, completely justified ones, that I'm being an idiot. I thought about it long and hard, and I decided to do whatever it took to make her happy, change in any way possible. To be honest, it's not for me at this point, though I am still completely head over heels in love with her. What this has done to my daughter man......I can't put into words how awful I felt. It made me feel small and weak. I felt like a cliche, like a bad movie with routine dialogue and plot points. Just another man that couldn't keep his marriage together for his kids. My daughter will be ten soon, five days. I wondered how she'd remember all this, if she'd resent either me or my wife for this, and I couldn't bear the thought of either one.

It was an easy choice to make. I would spend the next ten years in a marriage with this woman, the woman of my dreams, knowing she doesn't love me, if only it kept my daughter happy. That would make me happier than putting her through what I went through when my parents divorced. I still think this marriage is salvageable. Some days she agrees with me. Some days she laughs with me and gives me that genuine beautiful smile. We still have sex. It's still amazing, but when I say I love you during she doesn't say it anymore. Sometimes she accidentally says it before she leaves, sometimes I think she means it. Sometimes when she says it I smile and say "ooohhhh!" and she laughs and says I'm an idiot, the way she used to when things were perfect. I know in those moments that she still feels something akin to love for me, and I know I can work on getting it back. I made an oath, and so did she. I meant it. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. The oath didn't say call it quits when things get tough. I'll work on this as long as humanly possible.

Maybe I'm a simp, an idiot, incel, jackass, weak, pussy whipped, any number of things. I don't know. I just know I love my family, and I'd do anything possible to keep it together, no matter what.

We're moving from WA state to Maine soon. Selling the property and taking advantage of the cheaper housing market in Maine versus WA state, may be able to buy our dream home in Maine for a mortgage of next to nothing. I'm hoping that the reduction in financial stress will follow through to other areas of our life. I truly feel that financial stress is a big part of what caused things to go down hill for us, and living in this fast paced area for the past twelve years has just added up to tons of stress. I was raised in a small town in East TN, and I think it's time to go back to simple East Coast living. Slow things down, save money, get out of the concrete jungle.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say, other than thank you guys so much, seriously I appreciate you guys more than you know. I welcome your opinions, and I promise not to be offended no matter what. You guys are the best, but please have a little faith in me here. I really do think I'm making the right decision, and at the very least I have to see this through as best I can.
When I caught this just shy of a month ago, I was bummed because your post previous where we talked about you and your family moving for your wife's career and your daughter being excited about moving to a place with more to do. I was wondering one day after that post and when we talked how you were doing and hoping that move came to past for you and your family.

This is a rough one, but take your time, don't push and give her time. Focus on your daughter, talk to her and always ask how she is doing. At this point be a father and not a husband.

I'm glad you two are staying together for your daughter and it reads like there is something there between you two still.

As for moving to Maine, it's a great state, slow pace and becoming more desirable do to this countries overall social climate. I live in Maine, moved here nine plus years ago and it was the best decision my wife and I made, sold our house in Philadelphia and never regretted it. Maine has less people, traffic is like non existent, quality of life feels better here, like it should. Consider the coast areas, if you need advice on certain areas just let me know.

I hope this all plays out with a better result for you and your family down the line.

Honestly though this past year and eight months has really fucked with a lot of peoples relationships. My wife and I bought our house(the first three months of the pandemic) last year, run a print shop together and things are leveled for us but there still has been unnecessary bumps, stress, and overall fatigue due to the pandemic. Her and I have a great relationship, laugh, and we still smile at each other like we did when we met early 2007. But due to the pandemic there has been arguments that didn't even need to be there.
 
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DeepBreath87

Member
Jun 15, 2019
4,235
8,441
615
Hey so uh, I see this thread getting updated.

Felt it's time to talk again. I've kind of dreaded this on some weird level because I wonder if I'll be berated or something, but I do know one thing; you guys helped me, you spoke with me, you heard me, so I'd like it if you heard me again.

We're moving, and we're trying to stay together. She says she's still not in love with me, and she doesn't know if she ever can be again, but she wants to try if I can try. I'm in therapy, I'm getting help for my depression, I've even got some medication that I haven't yet had the guts to try for some reason. I've got a gun lock for the pistol so I don't do something stupid.

I know I know. There's going to be opinions, completely justified ones, that I'm being an idiot. I thought about it long and hard, and I decided to do whatever it took to make her happy, change in any way possible. To be honest, it's not for me at this point, though I am still completely head over heels in love with her. What this has done to my daughter man......I can't put into words how awful I felt. It made me feel small and weak. I felt like a cliche, like a bad movie with routine dialogue and plot points. Just another man that couldn't keep his marriage together for his kids. My daughter will be ten soon, five days. I wondered how she'd remember all this, if she'd resent either me or my wife for this, and I couldn't bear the thought of either one.

It was an easy choice to make. I would spend the next ten years in a marriage with this woman, the woman of my dreams, knowing she doesn't love me, if only it kept my daughter happy. That would make me happier than putting her through what I went through when my parents divorced. I still think this marriage is salvageable. Some days she agrees with me. Some days she laughs with me and gives me that genuine beautiful smile. We still have sex. It's still amazing, but when I say I love you during she doesn't say it anymore. Sometimes she accidentally says it before she leaves, sometimes I think she means it. Sometimes when she says it I smile and say "ooohhhh!" and she laughs and says I'm an idiot, the way she used to when things were perfect. I know in those moments that she still feels something akin to love for me, and I know I can work on getting it back. I made an oath, and so did she. I meant it. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. The oath didn't say call it quits when things get tough. I'll work on this as long as humanly possible.

Maybe I'm a simp, an idiot, incel, jackass, weak, pussy whipped, any number of things. I don't know. I just know I love my family, and I'd do anything possible to keep it together, no matter what.

We're moving from WA state to Maine soon. Selling the property and taking advantage of the cheaper housing market in Maine versus WA state, may be able to buy our dream home in Maine for a mortgage of next to nothing. I'm hoping that the reduction in financial stress will follow through to other areas of our life. I truly feel that financial stress is a big part of what caused things to go down hill for us, and living in this fast paced area for the past twelve years has just added up to tons of stress. I was raised in a small town in East TN, and I think it's time to go back to simple East Coast living. Slow things down, save money, get out of the concrete jungle.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say, other than thank you guys so much, seriously I appreciate you guys more than you know. I welcome your opinions, and I promise not to be offended no matter what. You guys are the best, but please have a little faith in me here. I really do think I'm making the right decision, and at the very least I have to see this through as best I can.
Good luck. But your wife sounds like an immature person. And that’s me putting it generously. Essentially what I’m getting from her is “I love you but I’m not in love with you?” Really? Bitch this isn’t a Hallmark movie. This is real life. You have a child together who deserves the stability of a mom and dad who can put their petty bullshit feelings aside for the sake of someone who needs them.

Obviously if there was abuse or some kind of toxic problem destroying your family, that is different. But this sounds ridiculous. You need to get your emotional shit figured out. You’re a grown man and a father. She needs to stop worrying so much about her own feelings and start thinking about what’s good for her daughter and, yes, what’s good for you too.

That second part is important. When you get married and have kids, you are promising people (ie your spouse and children) that you’re going to put your own petty feelings in the backseat for the good of someone else. And as long as that person is genuinely doing the same for you, there is no excuse for blowing that up because you “don’t love them anymore.” That is Disney princess bullshit. This woman doesn’t understand what mature, grown-person love is, apparently.
 
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cr0w

Old Member
Aug 31, 2015
3,270
1,594
825
I expect to be single for the rest of my life. Never had someone who would actually care enough to be in a relationship with me besides casual dating (thus so, so many exes). Thus it's not about being tone deaf to this, just that I don't get it since I never had some loving relationship. I've been living alone since I'm 15. I had actually paid thousands of dollars for professional dating services, no good result obviously.

A couple of coworkers, awkward below average guys, actually got Russian brides and it worked wonders for them.

Whoa, calm down there Messofanego. We can't just go around buying wives all willy nilly here.
 

Soleil rouge

Member
May 17, 2010
1,382
1,688
1,165
This is going to sound overly cynical, but I want to be real with you. I don't think you're being an idiot, simp etc. I do think you're being taken advantage of and manipulated by her. It's rather sickening. From what you've told us, she doesn't seem like a good person and more than likely had an emotional affair (at least) with someone else that didn't work out, which is why she's trying "to make it work" again. Despite basically admitting that she will never love you again. If you ask me, this is all going to end up hurting you even worse than before, but for you and your daughter's sake, I hope to God it somehow works out.

My advice is to continue being an awesome dad to your daughter. Work on yourself, make new friends, and pay much less attention to your wife since she doesn't care about you anyway. You're just in a broken state. She knows it and won't think twice about leaving you whenever she meets the right person.

It's never to late too work on and invest in yourself. Once you meet someone who treats you with respect, it'll forever change the way you feel about your wife. Take care.
 
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cr0w

Old Member
Aug 31, 2015
3,270
1,594
825
This is going to sound overly cynical, but I want to be real with you. I don't think you're being an idiot, simp etc. I do think you're being taken advantage of and manipulated by her. It's rather sickening. From what you've told us, she doesn't seem like a good person and more than likely had an emotional affair (at least) with someone else that didn't work out, which is why she's trying "to make it work" again. Despite basically admitting that she will never love you again. If you ask me, this is all going to end up hurting you even worse than before, but for you and your daughter's sake, I hope to God it somehow works out.

My advice is to continue being an awesome dad to your daughter. Work on yourself, make new friends, and pay much less attention to your wife since she doesn't care about you anyway. You're just in a broken state. She knows it and won't think twice about leaving you whenever she meets the right person.

It's never to late too work on and invest in yourself. Once you meet someone who treats you with respect, it'll forever change the way you feel about your wife. Take care.

This right here.

From reading through the thread, it seems like the the onus has been placed on you to "improve yourself" by both you and her, which is monumentally unfair. Marriage is a two-way street, and it requires work on both sides to be healthy. The fact that she's perfectly fine with you taking all the responsibility to "fix" your relationship is a major red flag, and I can guarantee it won't lead anywhere good. You can't take care of your daughter if you run yourself ragged trying to achieve something that isn't achievable, and I'm telling you straight up that this doesn't sound like something you can achieve.
 

DeepBreath87

Member
Jun 15, 2019
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This is going to sound overly cynical, but I want to be real with you. I don't think you're being an idiot, simp etc. I do think you're being taken advantage of and manipulated by her. It's rather sickening. From what you've told us, she doesn't seem like a good person and more than likely had an emotional affair (at least) with someone else that didn't work out, which is why she's trying "to make it work" again. Despite basically admitting that she will never love you again. If you ask me, this is all going to end up hurting you even worse than before, but for you and your daughter's sake, I hope to God it somehow works out.

My advice is to continue being an awesome dad to your daughter. Work on yourself, make new friends, and pay much less attention to your wife since she doesn't care about you anyway. You're just in a broken state. She knows it and won't think twice about leaving you whenever she meets the right person.

It's never to late too work on and invest in yourself. Once you meet someone who treats you with respect, it'll forever change the way you feel about your wife. Take care.
This right here.

From reading through the thread, it seems like the the onus has been placed on you to "improve yourself" by both you and her, which is monumentally unfair. Marriage is a two-way street, and it requires work on both sides to be healthy. The fact that she's perfectly fine with you taking all the responsibility to "fix" your relationship is a major red flag, and I can guarantee it won't lead anywhere good. You can't take care of your daughter if you run yourself ragged trying to achieve something that isn't achievable, and I'm telling you straight up that this doesn't sound like something you can achieve.
This is exactly how I see it. I do not understand how OP can have such little self respect to allow himself to be treated this way. It’s insane to me that he would shoulder this entire burden while still singing the praises of his wife. She’s the “woman of his dreams”? I dare say, dude, get some better dreams. Your wife sucks.
 

PaddyOCanager

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Apr 26, 2010
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I believe you should focus on yourself and your daughter. Marriage isn't about love, and certainly not about being "head over heels" for your partner. It's about duty and responsibility. Love will come and go in any relationship; if you build the foundation of your marriage on love you are building a house on top of shifting sand. You have the wrong perspective and you are setting yourself up for even more pain. Take off your Hallmark movie glasses and open your eyes to the real world. Look at what it really takes to spend the rest of your life committed to another human being and deal with all the shit life throws at you. Take an honest look at your partner and ask yourself if they have what it takes - or is it just you.

Most importantly, get your shit together for yourself and your daughter. She needs a strong father figure in her life and should be the woman you are concerned about. Being in a toxic marriage may not be healthy for your daughter - children can sense these things and "staying together" for her sake may have the opposite effect. You should seek professional counseling on what is best for your daughter and not make decisions based on what you think is best.

Trying to "fix things" is a natural response, but marriage isn't something you "fix". Your update says you are in therapy, but if your wife isn't seeking counseling/therapy for herself, this marriage is over. She is probably waiting until she has a new partner lined up - this is typically what happens.

People don't respect partners who constantly try to please them, and they aren't a prize you can win. If you don't respect yourself, she won't either. You have no control over whether your partner leaves or stays. Focus on what you can control: addressing your personal issues, and being the best father possible. For god's sake, work on improving your self-esteem and not defining it by your ability to please someone else.

It sounds to me like you married this woman and continue to stay with her for the wrong reasons, and she thinks she can do better and is simply waiting for right opportunity. She should be seeking therapy just like you. I believe marriage should be salvaged at all costs but it takes two - all I'm reading is what you are willing to do.
 

cr0w

Old Member
Aug 31, 2015
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I'll also add that your willingness to suck it up and shoulder the burden of "fixing" the relationship is one of the reasons mental health for men is in such shambles right now. We're expected to do all the heavy lifting and just shut up and take it when shit sucks, and that's not right. The fact that you're in therapy is wonderful, but your partner should be just that: your partner. You can't be expected to go it alone throughout the process while also trying to be a good husband and father. I would argue that no matter your efforts in the husband category, they won't be enough. One of you has already moved on and seems to just be waiting for the right opportunity to rip off the band-aid. My wife and I have been together since 2010, and when one of us is having issues, we both have each others' backs no matter what. If a partner isn't willing to work on your behalf, that's not a partner.

Also, as stated above, staying together for the kids is almost always a terrible option, and one that can have profound effects on the kids up to and including influencing their future relationships. A childhood with unhappy parents fucking sucks.
 
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Raven117

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Oct 5, 2015
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Hey so uh, I see this thread getting updated.

Felt it's time to talk again. I've kind of dreaded this on some weird level because I wonder if I'll be berated or something, but I do know one thing; you guys helped me, you spoke with me, you heard me, so I'd like it if you heard me again.

We're moving, and we're trying to stay together. She says she's still not in love with me, and she doesn't know if she ever can be again, but she wants to try if I can try. I'm in therapy, I'm getting help for my depression, I've even got some medication that I haven't yet had the guts to try for some reason. I've got a gun lock for the pistol so I don't do something stupid.

I know I know. There's going to be opinions, completely justified ones, that I'm being an idiot. I thought about it long and hard, and I decided to do whatever it took to make her happy, change in any way possible. To be honest, it's not for me at this point, though I am still completely head over heels in love with her. What this has done to my daughter man......I can't put into words how awful I felt. It made me feel small and weak. I felt like a cliche, like a bad movie with routine dialogue and plot points. Just another man that couldn't keep his marriage together for his kids. My daughter will be ten soon, five days. I wondered how she'd remember all this, if she'd resent either me or my wife for this, and I couldn't bear the thought of either one.

It was an easy choice to make. I would spend the next ten years in a marriage with this woman, the woman of my dreams, knowing she doesn't love me, if only it kept my daughter happy. That would make me happier than putting her through what I went through when my parents divorced. I still think this marriage is salvageable. Some days she agrees with me. Some days she laughs with me and gives me that genuine beautiful smile. We still have sex. It's still amazing, but when I say I love you during she doesn't say it anymore. Sometimes she accidentally says it before she leaves, sometimes I think she means it. Sometimes when she says it I smile and say "ooohhhh!" and she laughs and says I'm an idiot, the way she used to when things were perfect. I know in those moments that she still feels something akin to love for me, and I know I can work on getting it back. I made an oath, and so did she. I meant it. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. The oath didn't say call it quits when things get tough. I'll work on this as long as humanly possible.

Maybe I'm a simp, an idiot, incel, jackass, weak, pussy whipped, any number of things. I don't know. I just know I love my family, and I'd do anything possible to keep it together, no matter what.

We're moving from WA state to Maine soon. Selling the property and taking advantage of the cheaper housing market in Maine versus WA state, may be able to buy our dream home in Maine for a mortgage of next to nothing. I'm hoping that the reduction in financial stress will follow through to other areas of our life. I truly feel that financial stress is a big part of what caused things to go down hill for us, and living in this fast paced area for the past twelve years has just added up to tons of stress. I was raised in a small town in East TN, and I think it's time to go back to simple East Coast living. Slow things down, save money, get out of the concrete jungle.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say, other than thank you guys so much, seriously I appreciate you guys more than you know. I welcome your opinions, and I promise not to be offended no matter what. You guys are the best, but please have a little faith in me here. I really do think I'm making the right decision, and at the very least I have to see this through as best I can.
Like others on this thread (And Im sure your counselor has said), you have to work on you (and being there for your daughter which of course you are).

She is 100% manipulating you. She may respect you as a father to her daughter, but in no way does she respect you as an independent man. You don't respect yourself as an independent man.

Relationships DO NOT WORK if only one person is carrying the load. That is what you are doing right now. You are the only one carrying the cross. Maybe consider putting it down. I know you are more than a bit concerned about what the fallout might be, but, its this fear that your "wife" is capitalizing on to do what she wants. Ultimately, this relationship will fail....If you want to be in the best position to work out a deal with your wife about your daughter going forward, you need to be respected by her, not just a doormat.
 

p_xavier

Authorized Fister
Jun 9, 2004
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Whoa, calm down there Messofanego. We can't just go around buying wives all willy nilly here.
Of course you can, sure it won't be Melania depending on your budget. I would be more of a Ukrainian bear buyer myself. Why do you think seekingarrangements.com is so popular?
 
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cr0w

Old Member
Aug 31, 2015
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Of course you can, sure it won't be Melania depending on your budget. I would be more of a Ukrainian bear buyer myself. Why do you think seekingarrangements.com is so popular?

Incels with money?
 

MachRc

Member
Mar 19, 2021
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Hi poo daddy I think what you are doing is very noble and endearing. I did the same too for my children.
I was even presented some weird document to sign when i agreed to try and work out my whole entire life for my kids.
I almost even agreed to leave my own house to live with my parents every other week so that the kids can stay at the family home,
and the parents would alternate their stay in the family home all while she was pregnant 2 months in with some other guy's kid.( I didnt know it then)

I knew there was cheating going on, and it hurt that I still loved my wife to go forward for my children while suffering for them.
Nothing was helping me get over the fact that my wife did not love me anymore. Sex or no sex.


it doesn't seem like there are any other person involved in your wife's life as you guys are moving so far away.
I am happy that she is agreeing to reconcile with you for your daughter. This is good news. Almost everything I read seems like it going well.

My mom and dad stayed together for me. My dad is a serial cheater. Always have been since I was like 2 years old.
He is alot better now at his retired age, but we see the signs still even at his old age and mom jokes around about it with me. She has to make it less serious and pretend
so that she can talk openly to me about it, the 30-40 years of heartbreaks she endured. I am always grateful to her, and I still love my dad very much as he is and always have been wonderful to me.
Ive never held it against him for some reason because my mom never really showed her suffering over the years and for that I will forever appreciate the sacrifice my mom gave
so that I can have both parents in my life. They didnt go through with the divorce when I was 12. I ran away like the movie Catch Me if You Can.
My younger sister is exactly 12 years younger than me she was born soon after they reconciled for me.

I want you to know that, what youre doing is what I would be doing, and it is the right thing to do, even though its seen as old school.
I know you will try your upmost best to make it work and pan out exactly as you picture it in your mind.
Because that is what's going to make you happy and there will be nothing to regret as long as you give it your best..

But at the same time I dont want you to keep holding on your shoulders the mental hardships and stress of being with someone who openly says to you that they are not in love with you anymore.
I do want you to think about your happiness too as it really matters more than you will ever know right now in your state of mind.
Its not selfish , and even from what I have been through with my parents, you deserve better.

Don't ever forget this Poodaddy.

You deserve happiness. Your daughter's happiness, and your wife's happiness does not equal your happiness as much as we like to believe.
You deserve happiness too.

I look at my life 6 years ago, enduring the heartache and pain of being with someone who didnt love me.
Walking the streets during lunch dealing with pains of the heart aimlessly.
collecting sad shit on pinterest to uplift my spirits




My situation didnt work out, I almost got my house stolen beneath me,
and then the false allegations and bullshit all piled right on top of each other the second I tried to bring in happiness into my life.
But I am currently the most loved and happiest person in the world. Enough to share this message with you.

Good people like you and me get taken advantage of easily,
good broken people like you and me poodaddy get even more taken advantage of.
Be prepared and dont give up.

I want you to keep fighting for your daughter and most important of all I want you to keep fighting for yourself.
Your peace at heart, and your own happiness is the most important thing make sure you dont confuse it with other people's happiness.

however it turns out,

Please make sure you do keep an eye out for yourself and your own happiness as I know you will be making the most honorable of all choices for your daughter.
Hopefully like me, she will never forget the sacrifices parents made for a loving secure upbringing.

respect