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Would you butt into your friend's marriage?

BigBooper

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Feb 28, 2018
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I'm not talking about a threesome.

My buddy married this girl and they've been married 3 or 4 years now. She was very cagey from the start, not being fully transparent about her past or her family or the most important thing, her mental problems. He knew that she had some problems in the past, like she had to live with friends for a while because she was homeless for a bit after a previous relationship turned sour.

From the very first time I met her I told him I didn't think he should do this; that she was being too secretive and manipulative, but apparently he was in love enough to look past that. He is pretty gullible and also a very kind person, so he's easily taken advantage of. They got married, despite my discouragement, after about six months of dating.

For the first year to a year and a half or so things seemed to go relatively well. He was making pretty decent and she had a well paying job. Some things came up at his work, and she convinced him to quit and that he could work on hobbies while she earned well. More and more of her mental problems started showing. I don't think she's ever been to an actual psychologist because she goes to homeopaths and that type of crap. I think she has something like manic depressive, ocd, hypochondria, and bipolar. She has crazy mood swings and expects him to be at her beck and call during them. I'm sure that's the true reason she wanted him to leave his job, to increase his dependency on her and to control him. She started to develop these nonspecific ailments, and one of our other friends asked him if some of that could be psychosomatic and he didn't know.

She started to be very demanding with her employer and they put up with that for a few months and then she was let go. Even though they were both unemployed, she did not want him to go find another job. After a little while, she managed to find a job that let her work from home, and that's where they've stayed for pretty much two years. She got him connected with a work from home job, that doesn't pay much but at least it helps pay the bills, because she won't let him get a job where he has to go to work. She is completely terrified of catching covid or him bringing it home to her, that she keeps him homebound as much as she is. Her ailments, that have never been diagnosed, has affected her so much that she pretty much only stays in one room in their house and he has to bring stuff to her to survive. Now, she is in trouble with her new employer because she's been badmouthing them publicly and they want her to come to work sometimes, but she refuses to do anything other than work from home. It's not known yet whether she will lose her job or not. I don't know how long they can afford to live in their current house given all this.

Usually, I stay out of people's problems unless they ask for help and then I'll help out. I'm afraid he's kind of stuck in a downward spiral though and can't think straight because of being stuck in their house so much with her. She is a grade A manipulator and since he's so gullible, I'm afraid he is just stuck in misery unless someone can help pull him out.

What do you think? Should I butt in given that he's completely ignored my advice about her up to this point? I just don't want her to use my actions to turn him against me.
 
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nush

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Oct 16, 2017
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A long haul flight from wherever you are.
What do you think? Should I butt in given that he's completely ignored my advice about her up to this point?

Let him know you are there for him (don't give him money though) and be there to pick up the pieces when that marriage eventually crashes and burns. That's all you can do when he's in this deep. You just gotta let these things play out.
 

Mossybrew

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Ionian

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Have a family member that his wife took an axe to the door and walls (think of 'The shining').

He lost everything. House, kids, everything. Had to declare bankruptcy.

She was (apparently) bi-polar but more she was a cunt. She used her anger as an excuse for it. Was horrible, she'd snap like a lightswitch over nothing. Still does it to this day.

But for the OP's question, don't dare. Nothing you can say will help apart from willing to listen.
 
Oct 26, 2018
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Has your buddy reached out? Or is he ok with it all?

If it looks like he's down in the dumps, whether he's looking for help or not, you can always probe. But if he's ok with his life, then there's really nothing you can or should do. It's his marriage.

As for the psycho chick, just avoid her. As my dad would always tell us kids at the dinner table growing up "stay away from odd people". Best advice I've ever listened to. Never hung around weird people ever (school, work, friends for hanging out). All this shit I read about druggies, broke people, psychotic, family abuse, people locked up etc..... Never knew one person doing this shit. Worst I've seen is people getting divorced.
 
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STARSBarry

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May 19, 2019
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Honestly the question here is what support can you offer?

Have you got a spare room he can have temporarily, could you budget him in for a few months until he gets back on his own feet?

If yes, then casually mention that if he ever feels its too much and needs to get away from it all no strings attached, your there for him and can offer a place to stay. Otherwise its not worth mentioning, everyone involved here is an adult and it's his life not yours, so the best you can do is give him an option he didn't think he would have and go from there, but it has to be his decision and he has to want to do it.
 
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MrFancypants

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Dec 17, 2019
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Let him know you’ll be there for him in a non-financial capacity, but don’t go out of your way to interfere. He’s made it abundantly clear that he’s not interested in listening to you or others, so why waste valuable time on a lost cause? This is a classic example of love making someone blind to the obvious.
 
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6502

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Jan 25, 2021
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Stay out of it. Interfering puts walls between you and reinforces her. It will make him want to prove doubters wrong and stick around past the point he knows he should leave (when it comes).

I had a psycho once. Friends being interfering dicks (with my interest at heart - they knew her for years b4 I did) quickly made it into a "me and her vs the world" scenario. My friends were morons (less intelligent, some jealousy, unneccessarily nasty to her like banishing from our group without provication); but by attempting to exert control prior to me getting a good measure of her it lasted 100x longer than the weeks it took for me to click.

You cannot accelerate this process, but you can damage your friendship.

The only friends from that group I still bother with are the two guys who were just there and didn't give me a rough time.
 
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BigBooper

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I think the opinion of the majority is correct and I should stay out of it other than just being a friend for him. He has never reached out to anyone that I know of, but he's definitely depressed. You can hear it in the sighing in his voice when we talk on the phone. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped though. Thanks for steeling my resolve.
 

synchronicity

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My style is just to be there for support. I might offered some nuanced perspective - general perspective without delving into anything obviously personal or judgmental regarding either of them. But, I'm all about karma, and some lessons/experiences must happen on the journey of existence as a sort of balancing and for growth.
 
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Fbh

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Dec 6, 2013
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I wouldn't.
Be it family or friends, when ive "butted in" it has usually been early on, once the person involved has made their choice I dont think it's my place to question it.

I'd let him know I'm available if he needs to talk (or whatever other type of support you can offer him) but that's it
 

zeorhymer

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Nov 9, 2013
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All you can do is lay out the info. I knew a guy who was given so many red flags that you can see it from orbit. He didn't care. He thought she was the one. It didn't turn out to be happily ever after.

Is this your friend's first marriage? Things change over time and if both aren't on the same page, it's pretty much over.
 

GametimeUK

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Jul 2, 2015
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Have the conversation and accept the outcome. I had it with a friend and he decided his psychopath girlfriend was the right choice. 15 years later he's sorry he never listened to me. I can only say I'm glad I gave my opinion back then, but I never once said "I told you so" either. I was just there to support him after they broke up.

Support your friend the best you can OP, but respect they are their own person.
 
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MaestroMike

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Sep 25, 2011
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Tell em that if she doesn't move her as$ she'll get a heart attack sooner or later and he's accelerating the process by doing all the physical stuff for her and actually hurting her health in the long run by letting her cardio/heart become weak
 

IntentionalPun

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Aug 28, 2019
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Do whatever.. but remember, your buddy might be full of shit or exaggerating.

I had an an ex use me as an excuse so often with a group of friends that they all hated me and thought I was controlling lol She did whatever the fuck she wanted and I never told her how to spend her time.

Anyways, rule #1 don't trust people, unless you've witnessed a lot of this.

So approach it as concern IMO and don't even mention the wife, see what happens.. you don't have a lot to win by making it about her anyways. Just say you are concerned your buddy is going down a bad path, being cooped up, not working, etc. Even if she is "controlling" he still has the personal responsibility to do shit with his own life.
 
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Ionian

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Apr 25, 2013
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Do whatever.. but remember, your buddy might be full of shit or exaggerating.

I had an an ex use me as an excuse so often with a group of friends that they all hated me and thought I was controlling lol She did whatever the fuck she wanted and I never told her how to spend her time.

Anyways, rule #1 don't trust people, unless you've witnessed a lot of this.

So approach it as concern IMO and don't even mention the wife, see what happens.. you don't have a lot to win by making it about her anyways. Just say you are concerned your buddy is going down a bad path, being cooped up, not working, etc. Even if she is "controlling" he still has the personal responsibility to do shit with his own life.

Have a mate that was convinced his wife was cheating as she was continually talking in another room. He thought she was on the phone.

She had been brainwashed by a cult and thought she was talking to Gods (In her head). She convinced his family he was abusive and he's the nicest dude ever. Kept calling his family members, nearly ruined him. Then she went after his job, ringing the University he taught at. Then started messaging me with bullshit that my girlfriend got jealous over. (I'd tell her while laughing, bad idea). Was crazy shit she even still messages me, i ignore them.

Mother has cancer: sends 10k. - Turned out she didn't. (already broken up).
She has no laptop: buy her a new Mac laptop. (already divorced). She quit nursing to consult people with her prophicies from the Gods. Got broke quickly.

There was no telling him. Had to hound him to get a divorce as he was coming into his inheritance from family as one parent was dead and the other was extremely old and wanted to build him a house for them.

Some people just won't listen to advice. You can be blind with not only love but hope of a change. Can be a waste of time to try to intervene in that situation but not for standing by your buddy.

He still talks to her and buys her shit.

I just gave up.
 
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