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The Onion roasts George R. R. Martin on Elden Ring

EviLore

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"
The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from the FromSoftware offices with all the topless elf concept art his arms could carry!

Credit where credit is due, Martin just played us all for chumps and made off like a felon with an endless supply of half-nude drawings of elves.

“When George R.R. Martin first agreed to help write the backstory to my upcoming title, I had no reason to suspect that this was all part of a long con to secure himself thousands of sketches of undressed nymphs and sorceresses,” said Miyazaki, describing his deep dismay at watching a gleeful Martin sprinting out of the office. “Because he took so many, the papers kept getting caught in the wind and blowing onto the street, and then even more would fall out of his arms when he stopped to pick them up. And the whole time he kept chuckling and saying what a bunch of suckers everyone at FromSoftware was for buying his story hook, line, and sinker.”

“What confuses me is that I specifically told George that he was more than welcome to look at this concept art while in the office, and he just smiled and said ‘Oh, Hidetaka, I won’t be needing to do that,’” he continued.

Sources within the FromSoftware office describe their suspicion about Martin’s intentions while observing the A Song of Ice And Fire author stuffing some of the nude drawings of the game’s fairies and mythical woodfolk under his hat early this morning while whistling “We’re In The Money” to himself. However, most dismissed the possibility after considering that Martin had already invested three years in writing a 150,000-word treatment about Elden Ring’s storyline. FromSoftware staff only confirmed Martin’s departure when the visibly nervous fantasy writer loudly announced that he had to “take a break” and then edged out of the office building with a 10-foot-high stack of half-dressed elf drawings in his arms shouting about how “it was all too easy” to pull one over on the FromSoftware dolts.

Looks like Martin played all of us, and he played us good!

“Once he was out in the street, we could all hear him bragging about how he could look at a different picture of a nude elf for the rest of his life and never repeat,” said Miyazaki, noting that he was hurt to hear the special amount of scorn Martin seemed to harbor towards himself given their close collaboration on developing the game’s lore. “He was going on and on about how we were all slack-jawed rubes for not seeing through his scheme. And he seemed amazed that all he had to do was write a 350-page video game treatment and now he got all the ‘elf erotica’ he could ever want and might never write another word again.”

“Pretty soon he got winded, though, and just started looking at the drawings on the sidewalk,” he concluded.

Welp, gamers, looks like George R.R. Martin might be out at FromSoftware’s latest gorefest. Thankfully, it sounds like that might not be the last we hear of him, as the industry titan has already started posting online daily about how much he’s enjoying looking at all his new elf drawings.
"
 
Jan 20, 2018
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I'm pretty okay to read in English but have a hard time to understand anything of what OP says...
Can someone explain what's happening in simple terms?
 

420bits

Member
Feb 18, 2014
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GRRM what a legendary tale of falling from the top to become a pretty much someone who ppl don't give 2 shits about anymore.
I think GRRM and Patrik Rothfuss made a bet on who can't finish their books on time.

When I saw GoT S1 I didn't know about the books, never been much of a reader but GoT ticked my fanny because we get pretty much 0 GOOD content in terms of movies / series in this setting. We do get alot of shitcontent in these kind of "worlds" though.

But I saw s1 and was hooked, went straight for the books and read them all. Just as S2 was about to be done on TV I was done with all of the books and thought "hey, he has been putting out a book every 2-5ish years years, shouldn't be that long now, i should be done with the entire series of books around the same time as the show ends on TV".

GoT went from "holy shiiiiit, DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHTS EP?! Cant wait for the next episode!!" and EVERYONE talking about it to pretty much nothing.
Yesterday I saw that "a tale of dragons" or whatever the new spinof is called is about to start shooting and my reaction was "ok, well I hope its good but whatever". 0 hype.

I can't remember where the tv-show started to become shit and it was obvious they didn't have any "proper script" to work from and it started to fall. The last 2 seasons are probably the worst in ANY story i've ever seen or read.
The sad part is, the "2nd half of the series" becomes increasingly worse because it was so good in the first half.

The GoT-books will NOT be finished by GRRM, he will die before the last book is out or not just give 2 fucks.
I mean, The Winds of Winter isnt out yet and after that he needs to write the last book, so that's another 10+ years and im amazed he outlived the TV-series, 0 chance of

However, GoT actually brought something REALLY good into my life regardless of how shit it was in the end, I started to read more books and I found Joe Abercrombie - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Abercrombie and tbh, GRRM aint got shit and while I havn't read "ASOIF" since 2011/2012 i have re-read ALL of Joes book (2 triologies and 2 standalone books, just about to start the 2nd book of the latest triology) once per year for the last i dunno, 8 years :D

Can't wait for someone to make this into a highbudget tv-show!
 

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
May 30, 2004
28,669
71,645
2,475
GRRM what a legendary tale of falling from the top to become a pretty much someone who ppl don't give 2 shits about anymore.
I think GRRM and Patrik Rothfuss made a bet on who can't finish their books on time.

When I saw GoT S1 I didn't know about the books, never been much of a reader but GoT ticked my fanny because we get pretty much 0 GOOD content in terms of movies / series in this setting. We do get alot of shitcontent in these kind of "worlds" though.

But I saw s1 and was hooked, went straight for the books and read them all. Just as S2 was about to be done on TV I was done with all of the books and thought "hey, he has been putting out a book every 2-5ish years years, shouldn't be that long now, i should be done with the entire series of books around the same time as the show ends on TV".

GoT went from "holy shiiiiit, DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHTS EP?! Cant wait for the next episode!!" and EVERYONE talking about it to pretty much nothing.
Yesterday I saw that "a tale of dragons" or whatever the new spinof is called is about to start shooting and my reaction was "ok, well I hope its good but whatever". 0 hype.

I can't remember where the tv-show started to become shit and it was obvious they didn't have any "proper script" to work from and it started to fall. The last 2 seasons are probably the worst in ANY story i've ever seen or read.
The sad part is, the "2nd half of the series" becomes increasingly worse because it was so good in the first half.

The GoT-books will NOT be finished by GRRM, he will die before the last book is out or not just give 2 fucks.
I mean, The Winds of Winter isnt out yet and after that he needs to write the last book, so that's another 10+ years and im amazed he outlived the TV-series, 0 chance of

However, GoT actually brought something REALLY good into my life regardless of how shit it was in the end, I started to read more books and I found Joe Abercrombie - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Abercrombie and tbh, GRRM aint got shit and while I havn't read "ASOIF" since 2011/2012 i have re-read ALL of Joes book (2 triologies and 2 standalone books, just about to start the 2nd book of the latest triology) once per year for the last i dunno, 8 years :D

Can't wait for someone to make this into a highbudget tv-show!

I read the first three books of ASOIAF thanks to a GAF recommendation way back in the summer of 2002. It was an incredible experience, but everything since then has been an unending series of disappointments. After the final season of GoT's massive fuckup at concluding the series and GRRM's inability to finish anything, I've moved on entirely.

I'll second Joe Abercrombie's books, though, especially the First Law trilogy and The Heroes. Also check out Steven Erikson if you haven't (the first book can be a little tough to make it through, but it's worth sticking around for the rest).
 

JokerMM

Gay porn is where it's at.
Sep 26, 2018
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I read the first three books of ASOIAF thanks to a GAF recommendation way back in the summer of 2002. It was an incredible experience, but everything since then has been an unending disappointment. After the final season of GoT's massive fuckup at concluding the series and GRRM's inability to finish anything, I've moved on entirely.

I'll second Joe Abercrombie's books, though, especially the First Law trilogy and The Heroes. Also check out Steven Erikson if you haven't (the first book can be a little tough to make it through, but it's worth sticking around for the rest).
i remember this fat fuck saying if he doesn't finish the books by august this year, we should capture him and imprison him until he finishes them
maybe we should
 
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420bits

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Feb 18, 2014
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I read the first three books of ASOIAF thanks to a GAF recommendation way back in the summer of 2002. It was an incredible experience, but everything since then has been an unending disappointment. After the final season of GoT's massive fuckup at concluding the series and GRRM's inability to finish anything, I've moved on entirely.

I'll second Joe Abercrombie's books, though, especially the First Law trilogy and The Heroes. Also check out Steven Erikson if you haven't (the first book can be a little tough to make it through, but it's worth sticking around for the rest).

First Law and The Heroes is like, godtier! The characters are amazing and if you're into audiobooks, listen to them because Stephen Pacey is probably the best reader i've heard, sooooo good!

I've tried Erikson and yes, I couldn't make it through the first book but its on my list. One day! :D


i remember this fat fuck saying if he doesn't finish the books by august this year, we should capture him and imprison him until he finishes them
maybe we should

Wasn't that like 4 years ago? :D
 
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Airbus Jr

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Aug 12, 2018
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This is why Elden Ring took so long to come out?

Because hes wasting his time drawing a nude elf?

Dear god...
 
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W

Whataborman

Unconfirmed Member
Edit: Nevermimind. I didn't realize that GRRM was involved with From's Elden Ring
 
Last edited by a moderator:

iconmaster

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I'm pretty okay to read in English but have a hard time to understand anything of what OP says...
Can someone explain what's happening in simple terms?

Martin was only sticking around From long enough for them to produce a quantity of elvish erotica sufficient to his appetite. It sounds like he got 350 pages of story work done, though, so it shouldn't delay the game too much if it all. There'll just be fewer elf maidens in the release.
 
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Madflavor

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Jul 27, 2018
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I wonder if there are still humans around who think he will finish GoT.

A Song of Ice and Fire, and no he won't. It's very obvious and a guaranteed given that not only he won't, but he can't. It's been almost 10 years since Book 5 with still no release date, and even if by some miracle he finished The Winds of Winter, he then needs to write the final book A Dream of Spring. He's old, overweight, and is likely in poor health.

My guess is he either got serious writer's block, or was intimidated by how insanely popular the show got, and the pressure was too much. He likely decided to not outright announce he's given up, and will just ride it out until he passes away.

Truth be told I don't really care anymore because we now know how it all ends. Granted I'm sure the roadmap to the ending in the books would've been way, waaaay better written, I personal don't much care for the fates of the characters.
 
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Elcid

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Concept is amazing. Article started good. But it dragged and got worse over the length of it. Good effort on the Onion though
 
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Pejo

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“What confuses me is that I specifically told George that he was more than welcome to look at this concept art while in the office, and he just smiled and said ‘Oh, Hidetaka, I won’t be needing to do that,’” he continued.
This part got me good. I could actually hear him say this with his voice.
 
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Kadayi

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I'm pretty okay to read in English but have a hard time to understand anything of what OP says...
Can someone explain what's happening in simple terms?

The Onion is a parody Site. it's not a real story, just funny is all. I do like the idea of GRRM basically conning FROM into drawing endless Half Naked Elven Maidens for his own benefit though. Sadly I expect there will be a complete lack of Elven Tiddie on display in Elden Ring though.
 
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NT80

Member
Aug 7, 2019
313
198
245
GRRM what a legendary tale of falling from the top to become a pretty much someone who ppl don't give 2 shits about anymore.
I think GRRM and Patrik Rothfuss made a bet on who can't finish their books on time.

When I saw GoT S1 I didn't know about the books, never been much of a reader but GoT ticked my fanny because we get pretty much 0 GOOD content in terms of movies / series in this setting. We do get alot of shitcontent in these kind of "worlds" though.

But I saw s1 and was hooked, went straight for the books and read them all. Just as S2 was about to be done on TV I was done with all of the books and thought "hey, he has been putting out a book every 2-5ish years years, shouldn't be that long now, i should be done with the entire series of books around the same time as the show ends on TV".

GoT went from "holy shiiiiit, DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHTS EP?! Cant wait for the next episode!!" and EVERYONE talking about it to pretty much nothing.
Yesterday I saw that "a tale of dragons" or whatever the new spinof is called is about to start shooting and my reaction was "ok, well I hope its good but whatever". 0 hype.

I can't remember where the tv-show started to become shit and it was obvious they didn't have any "proper script" to work from and it started to fall. The last 2 seasons are probably the worst in ANY story i've ever seen or read.
The sad part is, the "2nd half of the series" becomes increasingly worse because it was so good in the first half.

The GoT-books will NOT be finished by GRRM, he will die before the last book is out or not just give 2 fucks.
I mean, The Winds of Winter isnt out yet and after that he needs to write the last book, so that's another 10+ years and im amazed he outlived the TV-series, 0 chance of

However, GoT actually brought something REALLY good into my life regardless of how shit it was in the end, I started to read more books and I found Joe Abercrombie - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Abercrombie and tbh, GRRM aint got shit and while I havn't read "ASOIF" since 2011/2012 i have re-read ALL of Joes book (2 triologies and 2 standalone books, just about to start the 2nd book of the latest triology) once per year for the last i dunno, 8 years :D

Can't wait for someone to make this into a highbudget tv-show!
I got into the series when Storm of Swords was the latest book. It was by sheer chance browsing in the library. Those first 3 books were amazing and I used to recommend the series to anyone who'd listen. When the TV show came out it got the huge exposure it deserved. After I had finished Storm of Swords though I did have to wait and wait for the next 2 books but the delay on the latest one is ridiculous. I think the popularity of the show and his fame has caused him no end of distractions. The Dunk and Egg stories set 100 years before GOT are a good read for something in the same universe.

I also got into Joe Abercrombie and really like his books too. The only downside having read all of Joe's books is that the main character in some of them can sometimes feel like the same person. I much prefer the ones that have multiple characters like the First Law trilogy and A Little Hatred.
 
Last edited:

420bits

Member
Feb 18, 2014
730
533
610
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I got into the series when Storm of Swords was the latest book. It was by sheer chance browsing in the library. Those first 3 books were amazing and I used to recommend the series to anyone who'd listen. When the TV show came out it got the huge exposure it deserved. After I had finished Storm of Swords though I did have to wait and wait for the next 2 books but the delay on the latest one is ridiculous. I think the popularity of the show and his fame has caused him no end of distractions. The Dunk and Egg stories set 100 years before GOT are a good read for something in the same universe.

I also got into Joe Abercrombie and really like his books too. The only downside having read all of Joe's books is that the main character in some of them can sometimes feel like the same person. I much prefer the ones that have multiple characters like the First Law trilogy and A Little Hatred.

I think GoT got to his head yeah, pressure must be enormous from going from being a dungeonlord writing shit on your 286 to being one of the most talked about person for fucking years. I mean, the amount of extra fame he got from the tv-show must be overwhelming for anyone.

But i dunno, if you can't produce a single book in a period of 10 or so years, from a series you created 20 odd years ago, just fucking retire and say its never coming out. Release whatever material you got on the internet and slip away into the shadoes and spend some of that cash.

Question: Have you also read the new triology, The Age of Madness?

I Liked the first book, have to reread it before i start the 2nd book of the triology (i think the 2nd book was released a month ago or something) but looking forward to it, although I have to agree. The first Law is kinda hard to beat because theres sooooo many great characters, Glokta, all of the Northmen are amazing in their own ways, West and his crew and so on. Some of the sidecharactes are better than most mains, i loved Crummock and his love for both the moon and Logen :D
 

OuterLimits

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Apr 25, 2014
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Man, the first three book are legendary. Among my favorite novels of all time(only surpassed by my enjoyment of some Robert McCammon books like 'Swan Song' and 'A Boy's Life' ).

A Feast For Crows was an ok book but nowhere near the quality of the first three. The chance of him finishing the series is pretty much 0% sadly.
 
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NT80

Member
Aug 7, 2019
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I think GoT got to his head yeah, pressure must be enormous from going from being a dungeonlord writing shit on your 286 to being one of the most talked about person for fucking years. I mean, the amount of extra fame he got from the tv-show must be overwhelming for anyone.

But i dunno, if you can't produce a single book in a period of 10 or so years, from a series you created 20 odd years ago, just fucking retire and say its never coming out. Release whatever material you got on the internet and slip away into the shadoes and spend some of that cash.

Question: Have you also read the new triology, The Age of Madness?

I Liked the first book, have to reread it before i start the 2nd book of the triology (i think the 2nd book was released a month ago or something) but looking forward to it, although I have to agree. The first Law is kinda hard to beat because theres sooooo many great characters, Glokta, all of the Northmen are amazing in their own ways, West and his crew and so on. Some of the sidecharactes are better than most mains, i loved Crummock and his love for both the moon and Logen :D
I've read A Little Hatred but didn't realize the next book was already out. I thought it was very good but a bit disappointed it was set around 20 years after the First Law. It's my favourite book of his after the First Law trilogy along with Red Country. They both have a character resembling the Bloody Nine.
 
Aug 6, 2010
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If Cyberpunk 2077 can get away with showing genitals then Elden Ring should be able to show us naked fantasy ladies!