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Opinion Drama My best friend isnt listening. Should I cut ties?

Moridianae

Member
Jan 26, 2020
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Hey all,

I'm in a real emotional situation here. My best friend of 20 years has been in a relationship with a woman who is, by all intents and purposes, crazy.

Not only that, she's also an addict and has been causing numerous issues for months now(lying, sneaking out, etc.)

Every time something has happened, he has taken some type of action(taken her funds, stripped her of the vehicle, GPS). He tried to put her in rehab once, she left in 2 days and came back.

We've tried to help, but it keeps happening over and over. She's lied to people to get money(disparaging him in the process(oh he won't help I need gas money), stolen money off his debit card, several other things. When caught and punished, it's always a sob story, it stops and then picks right back up within a short time. An endless circle.

On the most recent event, he expressed to me, my wife and my wife's best friend that he was finished. He seemingly backed off again last minute of throwing her completely out and put her in rehab again.

Magically, she has a traffic court date and they couldn't hold her. She came back for that and he told me after that, she was going back into a program.

I've seen no indication of that happening. They tried to come by the other day as if nothing happened and my wife was sick so it bought time, but she is finished and no longer wants this woman around.

It is increasingly apparent that he's in a codependent relationship and isn't going to do what needs to be done(and was told to be done by several people, including one who went through it years ago).

He's had a lonely, hard life and she's just..able to hook him in every time. He'll do anything to care for her, even when it's clear this is all an act by her, because he's too soft and scared to take the real action.

I love him, but I cannot back this play. I won't sit by and watch his life be continuously manipulated and probably eventually destroyed.

I believe people can get help and change, but no effort has stopped this so far, so I don't believe she wishes to change.

I don't know what to say to him or how to begin to say it. Any advice?
 
Jul 12, 2020
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My buddy went through something like this, his old friend who rented a room from him had a crazy junkie girlfriend and they were terrible for each other.
I’m gonna say that if it’s as bad as you are describing then yeah, just drop them from your life.
 
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Moridianae

Member
Jan 26, 2020
688
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He's my closest friend. Morally, I have to back my wife's choice and also I will not watch this happen, this cycle of events where he is unable and seemingly unwilling to make the correct choice.

He's got a great job, he owns a home. He has much to offer to someone who won't do this to him. Moreover, he doesn't seem to understand the gravity of this.

His job is in health care pharmaceutical. If she keeps going down this path and is caught, his career and life is over, even if he is innocent. I don't think he understands that. He says he does, but why are you still giving chance after chance?? How much power does this woman hold over you??
 

8bitpill

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Mar 30, 2012
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Mentally, I'm sure there is a lot to unpack here.

I'm guessing he is the one that either is the lease or mortgage holder where they both reside together? Why I bring this up is it reads like if he kicks her out she will most likely be homeless. That is a huge guilt trip for anyone.

How long have they dated, you don't have to give these details but how old is your friend?

What has his past relationships with other long term woman been. Does he seek this type of quality in woman?

Over a decade ago I had a fallen out with my best friend I knew since I was five due to a woman he was dating. There were faults on both sides, but I didn't speak to him honestly because I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I just shut him out, which was the wrong move. We didn't talk four plus years. When I contacted him after all that time, it was like we didn't miss a step and I hated the idea we didn't talk for almost five years. One of the things we both agree is we should have talked to each other a bit more frankly about the matter and honestly, we both went about it childishly and shut each other out.

A little more details might help with advice, I've been there and learned from something along these lines.
 

BigBooper

Member
Feb 28, 2018
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You have to kind of draw the line yourself. You don't have to cut him out completely. Just make it clear that she is never welcome at your house and that you will not be around while she is. If you haven't clearly said it, which it sounds like you've been too nice to, let him know how much of a disaster she is and that she's dragging him down and along with everyone around her.

Reminds me of the Tool song Sober.
"I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down"
 
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Whitecrow

Member
May 7, 2018
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He is the one cutting ties. Just let him be (aka yes, cut ties but dont ban him from your life, just stop interacting with him). And if ever he wants to come back, have a talk.
 

Moridianae

Member
Jan 26, 2020
688
2,372
475
North Carolina
Mentally, I'm sure there is a lot to unpack here.

I'm guessing he is the one that either is the lease or mortgage holder where they both reside together? Why I bring this up is it reads like if he kicks her out she will most likely be homeless. That is a huge guilt trip for anyone.

How long have they dated, you don't have to give these details but how old is your friend?

What has his past relationships with other long term woman been. Does he seek this type of quality in woman?

Over a decade ago I had a fallen out with my best friend I knew since I was five due to a woman he was dating. There were faults on both sides, but I didn't speak to him honestly because I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I just shut him out, which was the wrong move. We didn't talk four plus years. When I contacted him after all that time, it was like we didn't miss a step and I hated the idea we didn't talk for almost five years. One of the things we both agree is we should have talked to each other a bit more frankly about the matter and honestly, we both went about it childishly and shut each other out.

A little more details might help with advice, I've been there and learned from something along these lines.


He is the sole mortgage holder. He is 37 and his past dating has been non-existant. His father was killed in desert storm as a boy, his mother died of cancer a couple of years ago. There's more.

As far as what he's like with women, this one he seems to just like...taking care of someone, according to his mother, who also was not a fan of this woman(though she couldn't pinpoint why)

He's been dating this woman for about 3.5 years. She doesn't want kids(he does I believe), she's older than him by a couple of years. It's devastating because my kids call him Uncle he was so close.

I'm torn bad.
 

TDiddyLive

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Feb 22, 2018
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A couple things I’m confused about. “Magically, she has a traffic court date and they couldn't hold her.” For what? Traffic court is for fines, not jail time.
“His job is in health care pharmaceutical. If she keeps going down this path and is caught, his career and life is over, even if he is innocent. I don't think he understands that.” Why would he lose his job just because she is a piece of shit? Unless he is giving her access to meds, which would be him breaking the law, I don’t see how his job is at stake.
 

Moridianae

Member
Jan 26, 2020
688
2,372
475
North Carolina
A couple things I’m confused about. “Magically, she has a traffic court date and they couldn't hold her.” For what? Traffic court is for fines, not jail time.
“His job is in health care pharmaceutical. If she keeps going down this path and is caught, his career and life is over, even if he is innocent. I don't think he understands that.” Why would he lose his job just because she is a piece of shit? Unless he is giving her access to meds, which would be him breaking the law, I don’t see how his job is at stake.

I'm confused about the date also.


And thr other question, because he's gone to pick her up when shes snuck out at a place that..is very seedy, let's say that.. I explained to him though you think you're shining armor and just picking her up and getting her out, if the police show up they aren't gonna give a damn why you're there.
 

Mista K

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Oct 5, 2010
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Sounds tough. If he’s like the uncle to your kids, you need to tell him straight that because of how bad his girlfriend is, she has a high potential of making problems for your family. Give him some contact info, but cut ties. You really don’t know what a person like that can do until it’s too late.

Introducing girls to him is another idea, but only after he breaks things off. Trying that while he’s with a junkie is asking for trouble
 

RJMacready73

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Jun 25, 2020
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You get to a certain age in life where people need to be cut loose no matter how close you where, he's an adult making dumb as fuck decisions but he's an adult and entitled to make them, why should and your wife put up with that shit? Cut him loose, and tell him buddy you're being a fuckwit and you're going out with a cunt whose is going to ruin you and I don't wanna be around to see it, when you ditch the bitch give me a call and we'll resume but until then we're done. Simples
 

EverydayBeast

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Try to remind yourself why the person is your friend and boost their confidence once upon a time I had a friend I really liked but life was easier without them, classic case of ditching them for my well being. You got this OP
Great Job Reaction GIF by WWE
 

8bitpill

Member
Mar 30, 2012
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He is the sole mortgage holder. He is 37 and his past dating has been non-existant. His father was killed in desert storm as a boy, his mother died of cancer a couple of years ago. There's more.

As far as what he's like with women, this one he seems to just like...taking care of someone, according to his mother, who also was not a fan of this woman(though she couldn't pinpoint why)

He's been dating this woman for about 3.5 years. She doesn't want kids(he does I believe), she's older than him by a couple of years. It's devastating because my kids call him Uncle he was so close.

I'm torn bad.
Looks like we're the same age about.

This is rough because you're proper adults, you have a family and kids and have a friend that you most likely consider a brother.

The best friend I mention I've known since I was five is the same age as me (38) and he is a bachelor that typically dates woman that typically have personal issues. Recently in the past four years he has been dating woman that are anywhere from 10/12 years younger than him. Thankfully he isn't looking for long term with any of them, they just share similar kink interest. He has his own issues and hang ups, but some of the stories he has told me over the years, I ask him "what would happen if you got tied up in a long term relationship with someone you're describing?" I'm honest with him now and pose questions, but thankfully after that relationship that had him and I having a fallen out, he learned a lot and what to stay clear of in long term relationships. The severity of that relationship had him in court defending himself against a woman that was completely unstable.

It's something to be torn about especially since you have kids that look at him like a part of the family. but depending on how old your kids are, they will most likely not take note after sometime if you decided to part ways with him. My father had a lot of close friends when I was growing up, one in particle I called uncle. They had a fallen out and honestly it wasn't much of a big deal since I was a early teenager.

If it's effecting your personal life, as taken away from your happiness I would let him know in a well worded way that doesn't seem selfish. I would suggest to him that the only way that relationship is going is down a even more hurtful road that will hold him back from being potentially happy in his older age. It's basically wasted time and being this age, I know this is cliche but we aren't getting younger and our time is way more valuable.

It reads like you might have been through a lot of what I'm saying with him already. He most likely loves this woman unconditionally and that is going to be hard to break. It's like a mother with a child that has a drug addiction, no matter how many times they relapse or do them wrong, it's still their child, no matter what. Plus with both his parent past, he is most likely looking for comfort in a family mentality.

Like I said before, there is a lot to unpack here. I would just go through the motions, if you have already, just let him know frankly, I can't be there for you if you keep repeating the same pattern with this woman. She is his drug and and that can be a hard one to quit.
 
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Amiga

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Jul 8, 2020
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polygamy is for situations like this, he would start a new life and still keep caring for this woman until she manages to independently help herself or find another person to do so.
 

Thaedolus

Member
Jun 9, 2004
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polygamy is for situations like this, he would start a new life and still keep caring for this woman until she manages to independently help herself or find another person to do so.
…fucking what?!

anyway OP, I think your friend needs to come to the decision to change his situation himself just like an addict needs to sort of hit rock bottom. All you can really do is be supportive when possible but you can’t take the weight of all that on yourself when he’s a grown ass man and needs to figure it out. You can help coax him by reducing or cutting off contact and making it clear why you’re doing so, but you’re not going to be able to fix the situation and thus shouldn’t feel like you need to
 

Blade2.0

Member
Dec 3, 2018
1,873
2,030
505
Hey all,

I'm in a real emotional situation here. My best friend of 20 years has been in a relationship with a woman who is, by all intents and purposes, crazy.

Not only that, she's also an addict and has been causing numerous issues for months now(lying, sneaking out, etc.)

Every time something has happened, he has taken some type of action(taken her funds, stripped her of the vehicle, GPS). He tried to put her in rehab once, she left in 2 days and came back.

We've tried to help, but it keeps happening over and over. She's lied to people to get money(disparaging him in the process(oh he won't help I need gas money), stolen money off his debit card, several other things. When caught and punished, it's always a sob story, it stops and then picks right back up within a short time. An endless circle.

On the most recent event, he expressed to me, my wife and my wife's best friend that he was finished. He seemingly backed off again last minute of throwing her completely out and put her in rehab again.

Magically, she has a traffic court date and they couldn't hold her. She came back for that and he told me after that, she was going back into a program.

I've seen no indication of that happening. They tried to come by the other day as if nothing happened and my wife was sick so it bought time, but she is finished and no longer wants this woman around.

It is increasingly apparent that he's in a codependent relationship and isn't going to do what needs to be done(and was told to be done by several people, including one who went through it years ago).

He's had a lonely, hard life and she's just..able to hook him in every time. He'll do anything to care for her, even when it's clear this is all an act by her, because he's too soft and scared to take the real action.

I love him, but I cannot back this play. I won't sit by and watch his life be continuously manipulated and probably eventually destroyed.

I believe people can get help and change, but no effort has stopped this so far, so I don't believe she wishes to change.

I don't know what to say to him or how to begin to say it. Any advice?
Have you told him he needs to break it off, yet? And I don't mean with jokes or in passing. Have you sat him down and told him point blank she's going to ruin his life and your friendship if it persists. Don't make it an ultimatum, but be straight.

"My wife and I are at our wits end with your girlfriend. She uses you, hurts you, and abuses you, but you still stay with her. We can't condone this and think she's going to ultimately ruin whatever life you've got left. Please break up with her, if you don't, I honestly can't say how much longer I'll be able to be there for you. This is in your best interest."

Let that simmer in him for a bit and see what he says. If he chooses her, just be like "I warned you and I'll be here for you when it all falls to pieces, but not while it's happening to you. It's too stressful even for us and we've known each other for 20 years, you know I wouldn't say this kind of thing to you if I didn't believe it."

And that's that. If you haven't sat him down and said it point blank, you need to. Don't act like he knows just because you dropped hints. some people are oblivious to that sort of thing or have their mind so wrapped up in the relationship, they can't see it for what it is.
 
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Amiga

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…%$#% what?!

polygamy isn't the harem people assume it is. it's about managing responsibility for multiple households instead of the complete cut off of a person you have lived with for years. it's difficult for a divorced woman to find another husband and even more difficult to find a one willing to get married at all these days. if the law permitted people like this man could take care of multiple households instead of waiting for social service calls.
 

zeorhymer

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Nov 9, 2013
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As cold hearted as it sounds, you need to cut ties. For your emotional well being, you have to let him go. He has massive baggage from losing his parents from an early age and doesn't seem to have gotten help for that. The only way for change to happen is if he wants the change and starts to do so.
 

6502

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Jan 25, 2021
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If you drop them both you will make him more dependant on her.

Tell him you and your wife can't stand her anymore, but go drinking as a buddy. It will be easier when he does come around to drop her if his entire social life is not tied to her.

He is cuntstruck not a murderer (I hope).
 
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6502

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Jan 25, 2021
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polygamy is for situations like this, he would start a new life and still keep caring for this woman until she manages to independently help herself or find another person to do so.
Sounds like male servitude to me.
 

AlteredForms

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Oct 22, 2013
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Your friend appears to be the worst at judging and observing character, now he's suffering the consequences of those failings. Can't blame him though as lonely people tend to hold onto the first person who'll have them. Relationship has to come to an end. Begin the divorce proceedings with him and hopefully there's a severance package for her that doesn't eat up too much of his finances. Children will only complicate the matter so hopefully he doesn't have some and make sure he's back on the prowl for some poon soon after.
 

Thaedolus

Member
Jun 9, 2004
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polygamy isn't the harem people assume it is. it's about managing responsibility for multiple households instead of the complete cut off of a person you have lived with for years. it's difficult for a divorced woman to find another husband and even more difficult to find a one willing to get married at all these days. if the law permitted people like this man could take care of multiple households instead of waiting for social service calls.

Running an engine in a closed garage sounds like a much simpler solution for the man to me
 
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poodaddy

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A good friend of mine is also my daughter's "uncle." I hate to say it, but there's no saving this dude. Don't tell him the friendship is over, but just tell him you can't have this woman around anymore and the wife has banned her from ever showing up on the property again. Sorry, we can still be friends, but you have to drop the bag of bricks first. Love ya man, always will, hope you understand that I do this with love, but you deserve better than her and so do we.

Sucks man, but my friend that I mentioned, the "Uncle". I'm fortunate in that my daughter is mature enough to understand this stuff, but I had to explain to her that Uncle has tumultuous romantic relationships, and if he ever involves us in his life more than I'm comfortable with in that manner, then she won't have an Uncle anymore. Drop dead weight like a bad habit. I know it's tough, but I've learned over the years to just drop people quick if I need to, they always just disappoint anyway. Hope it gets better brother, and I hope your buddy grows a pair and makes the right decisions for himself before the cunt ruins his life.
 

synchronicity

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I always like to let others live their own lives, whether I like it or agree. I'll express my opinion or offer my help if I think the situation warrants it, but I don't try to dictate to others. Everyone has to learn their own lessons and sometimes the hard way.
 

nush

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Oct 16, 2017
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A long haul flight from wherever you are.
He is the sole mortgage holder. He is 37 and his past dating has been non-existant. His father was killed in desert storm as a boy, his mother died of cancer a couple of years ago. There's more.

As far as what he's like with women, this one he seems to just like...taking care of someone, according to his mother, who also was not a fan of this woman(though she couldn't pinpoint why)

He's been dating this woman for about 3.5 years. She doesn't want kids(he does I believe), she's older than him by a couple of years. It's devastating because my kids call him Uncle he was so close.

I'm torn bad.

In situations like this with people that stay in bad relationships, they'll never listen or leave until they make that decision for themselves. The only thing you can do is let it play out to it's obvious end. Don't enable him by listening to his relationship problems, if he talks about them to you "Sorry, I don't want to know".

Just be there to support him and pick up the pieces after it's crashed and burned.
 

Outlier

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Nov 9, 2020
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I know it's hard Moridianae, but it is true that some people have to learn lessons the hard way, on their own.

If you can't convince him peacefully, then don't try to force it, and just cut ties.

You'll save yourself from further hardship.

I hope it works out for them.