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Off-Topic Personality Mental Health |AT| GAF

DunDunDunpachi

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Apr 18, 2018
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all my friends and family have moved on or died, it's just me now and i'm feeling stuck where i am with no personal connections to anyone

dunno what i'm gonna do, maybe join the military once and for all, roam the earth for a couple months, live in the sprawl or become a farm hand somewhere

i'm tired of the industry, it was fun in my twenties but the hours were miserable and my own projects suffered

couldn't ask for a better den of cunts, thanks for keeping the lights on
Your family up here in MI is a PM away, Tess, should the need ever arise.
 

Darkmakaimura

Member
Dec 12, 2008
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I didn't know where else to post and didn't want to make a whole thread.....

Like I said in a thread I made about three or so weeks ago things were going bad for me and well things got worse.

I haven't been here in about a week. My phone is pretty much dead. It won't hold a charge and it freezes on me constantly. I've tried everything and nothing helps. It's an old phone but died.

What sucks I no longer really have Internet access as a result as it was my only way of going online.

I cannot afford a new phone even though all I need is another "budget" phone from MetroPCS and can't even afford next month's bill.

To add insult to injury, my dad is getting more sick but it's on and off with him. Some days are better than others.

I'm also dry on my pantoprazole so my heartburn is off the walls and can't even afford to get to my physician.

Things are going south and I can't sleep barely.

I'm really hating life right now. I have to use my father's phone to "check in" here and my email.

(Edot: also yeah thanks politicians for bickering and not getting 2nd stimulus passed yet)

So just in case anyone wondered where I am, well now you know.
 
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Kev Kev

Gold Member
Oct 25, 2012
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been doing much better since i got on medical marijauna. but its not the answer to all my mental/emotional issues, and i knew that gong into it. i think now its time to take another step and get back into a healthy diet and exercise routine. its the one thing ive been missing for about the last year, and i planned on starting again earlier this year, however COVID came along and all the gyms shut down (or at least that was my excuse 🤷‍♂️ )

i feel like i had a lot more that i wanted to spit out here but thats all i can muster. just trying to stay positive and get back into a better routine. the one im in now is pretty flimsy. been taking a little too much time off work and practicing my instruments. wish me luck
 

Northeastmonk

Gold Member
Mar 18, 2013
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My son has low muscle tone and sees a PT 3 times a week. My wife went part time when I changed jobs because she wanted to be with the kids. I’m ok most of the time, but it’s been super stressful lately. He’s improving and we get the impression that he’s improving. It’s just super hard because a lot of kids walk at this age (16 months). He can sit, but he falls. He can crawl, but it’s army crawling. We have equipment and for the time he’s awake we are doing exercises with him. I’m the person who gets him back to sleep and wakes up with him. I can’t complain about it because my wife does her part while I’m not here. Sometimes it feels super unfair. Once he’s asleep it’s like we both have time to ourselves. Things should be easier as they get older, but for the moment it’s all about going to PT. My wife has been playing Ghost of Tsushima after I finished it. We play when everyone asleep. We eat right and we are moderately active people. I can definitely see why some couples separate after having kids. My mom hasn’t even met my son because she doesn’t like who I married. There’s zero support from my side. I haven’t spoken to my sister in 4 years.

On top of it all. My step daughter’s dad cheated on his new wife and they just had a kid together. He was involved with a girl 3 months after they got married and they have only been together for a year. He’s only living there because she can’t do it alone. She didn’t name their kid with his last name. It’s frustrating because it’s probably going to break her heart when her step mom isn’t around on the weekends.
 

Darkmakaimura

Member
Dec 12, 2008
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Still going through ups and downs but mainly worried about money. Now that a Stimulus direct deposit doesn't seem likely anymore, I'm worried how I'm going to pay my bills. I had to get help just to get a new phone as my old one was on the verge of dying completely.

People around me are all on edge to. I try not to leave my house as little as possible due to people's attitudes and my dad being very ill, where his days are sometimes better than others.

I'm also dealing with bad heartburn and the only thing that helps is Pantoprazole, which I can't even afford a bus trip to my doctor to see if I can get a prescription.

Then there's generally what others would consider petty. People I once was close to and really who I found out were saying bad things about me and when I confronted them, ended up making my online life kind of a hell (they were and then became even more popular and used their "fans" to turn against me) but that was back in 2019 but still really hurts me.

My more immediate concerns though are my financial situation, my mental health and my dad's physical health. I do care for him and do a better job than the in-home hospice nurses.

So it's just a roller coaster. Literally at this moment I don't feel too bad but overall I'm trying to keep my head up but it's hard.
 

Northeastmonk

Gold Member
Mar 18, 2013
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COVID feels like it’s creeping up on me. My mind is worrying about it when I’m not even thinking about it. I was at a gas station and it felt eerie. It felt like a gas explosion before the explosion, like COVID was there. I’ve never feared catching something and even if I did it felt controllable. I can’t imagine how people are mentally digesting what’s going on. I have been working at various places during this epidemic and it’s just starting to dawn on me. I get this feeling of being vulnerable and I go into this internal panic mode.
 
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Darkmakaimura

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Dec 12, 2008
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Another up and down week for me. On top of everything I'm worried about the dog as well as my own physical help. I don't even have money to do anything, even as simple as taking a bus to the doctor.

I have to say this and I know it might be upsetting or anger people here, but if it weren't for video games I'd have ended it all a long time back.

I don't see anything worth living for except gaming. I feel everyone has abandoned me, and for sure people I even had feelings for.

Combined with all the pandemic and rioting and so on, I'm just sick.

And before anyone mentions it, yes I've already avoided news as much as I can and deactivated Twitter.
 

Darkmakaimura

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Dec 12, 2008
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Also a big "fuck you" to the politicians on all sides for fucking the people over and holding up any chance of a stimulus within the next month or two, if at all.

That fucks me over considering my current situation and I'm sure a lot of other people.

Another stimulus at least meant me paying my next phone bill in September just days away from my birthday.

I have a seething hatred of all these pieces of shit and their dumb vacations.
 
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Tuff McNutt

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Jun 15, 2020
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You may want to talk with your phone provider. Some companies are giving discounts, lower payments, etc. due to COVID. I got payments on a credit card deferred for a couple of months. Generally, companies are willing to work with you, because bills going to debt collectors will get them less money in the long run.

And for the bus, I'm not sure if you have something similar in your area, but here in Minneapolis, the transit system has a free/reduced fare card for people that meet certain employment/income requirements.
 
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Darkmakaimura

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Dec 12, 2008
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You may want to talk with your phone provider. Some companies are giving discounts, lower payments, etc. due to COVID. I got payments on a credit card deferred for a couple of months. Generally, companies are willing to work with you, because bills going to debt collectors will get them less money in the long run.

And for the bus, I'm not sure if you have something similar in your area, but here in Minneapolis, the transit system has a free/reduced fare card for people that meet certain employment/income requirements.
I'm not on a contract. It's pre-paid so they don't care. If you can't pay on the scheduled date, they turn you off. Most they'll do is give you an extra two days of phone service without data (i.e. Internet)

I can't even afford reduced fair fwiw. I'm down to $1.32 in my bank account right now. There is/was a free pick up service for those on Medicaid but everytime I used them, they were late or never showed up and I'd have to reschedule my appointment. It was trash.
 
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Lionel Richie

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Jun 22, 2014
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Rough week for me as well, not even anything concrete to complain about. Just the uncertainties of life post covid hitting hard. Got a lasting headache throughout the week. I can't sleep, it's 3:30 am here and I just can't turn off my brain. Fear I'm going to die out of nowhere lol but I know shit will be alright. Saw a picture of some "friends" I had in the past and those were bad friends. The past I can't let go. But I need to and I will.

2020 is officially a grind until the vaccine saves us. Hang in there my friends. We're all in this together baby.
 
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betrayal

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Feb 2, 2018
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2020 is officially a grind until the vaccine saves us. Hang in there my friends. We're all in this together baby.
2020 has been a fantastic year so far and I am certainly not the only one who thinks so. The reason it's a shitty year for you is certainly not COVID-19.

The most important thing you can ever learn in life is that you don't always determine everything that happens to you or around you. But you always, without exception, decide how you react to it. When you understand this, and i mean really understand it, then you also begin to realize what power you have to shape your own life according to your own beliefs or ideas.
There is no magical guidance or fate that dictates it all. Exactly where you stand in life right now, it's all your own fault and responsibility. If you're happy with your life, congratulations. You made the right choices. Are you unhappy with your life? Get better and make better choices.
 
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Lionel Richie

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Jun 22, 2014
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2020 has been a fantastic year so far and I am certainly not the only one who thinks so. The reason it's a shitty year for you is certainly not COVID-19.
You're half right about this friend. Any issues I'm currently facing were there before, it wasn't created by the covid. However, it's understandable to feel more anxious than usual with the current situation, at least here where I live. I'm asthmatic, so I'm working from home and I barely go outside. There are days I don't even see the sun. I also have OCD, so I'm tripping balls with the stuff in my house. It sucks and I just want it to end.
 

betrayal

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Feb 2, 2018
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You're half right about this friend. Any issues I'm currently facing were there before, it wasn't created by the covid. However, it's understandable to feel more anxious than usual with the current situation, at least here where I live. I'm asthmatic, so I'm working from home and I barely go outside. There are days I don't even see the sun. I also have OCD, so I'm tripping balls with the stuff in my house. It sucks and I just want it to end.
What does asthma and COVID-19 have to do with you just being at home? The chance of getting infected is almost zero and you can always go out by yourself, be it to do sports, just go for a walk or to get some fresh air. It rather seems to me that your current situation (COVID-19 + asthma) gives you, as surely rather insecure person, a simple excuse not to act or just go out.

What have you done so far to deal with your OCD better? Cognitive behavioral therapies? What is the cause (spoiler: check you parents/childhood)? Mild to moderate OCD has never stopped anyone from taking control of their life. Sure, I don't know you in detail, but up to now you always just gave up taking responsibility or blamed your life on your circumstances or health problems.
If you haven't noticed, your asthma and COVID-19 have created a self-reinforcing vicious circle for your OCD. You can't go outside, which of course isn't true at all, and this makes your OCD worse. As I said I don't know you, but I don't need to know that this is how your last years went. You do not have any drastic illnesses with which you could not become more fulfilled and more happy than 99.9% of the other healthy people on this planet. What's that old saying again? Some people dance in the rain, other just get wet. You're already wet, so why not start dancing?
 
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Lionel Richie

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Jun 22, 2014
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What does asthma and COVID-19 have to do with you just being at home? The chance of getting infected is almost zero and you can always go out by yourself, be it to do sports, just go for a walk or to get some fresh air. It rather seems to me that your current situation (COVID-19 + asthma) gives you, as surely rather insecure person, a simple excuse not to act or just go out.
I'm confused friend, are you a doctor? Because it was my pulmonologist who told me to work from home and until second order that's what I'll do. And I think I expressed myself poorly, I do get out sometimes, be it to get groceries or meet my girlfriend. I just try to avoid it as much as I can since my pulmonologist told to me to be extra careful and shit.

What have you done so far to deal with your OCD better? Cognitive behavioral therapies? What is the cause (spoiler: check you parents/childhood)? Mild to moderate OCD has never stopped anyone from taking control of their life. Sure, I don't know you in detail, but up to now you always just gave up taking responsibility or blamed your life on your circumstances or health problems.
If you haven't noticed, your asthma and COVID-19 have created a self-reinforcing vicious circle for your OCD. You can't go outside, which of course isn't true at all, and this makes your OCD worse. As I said I don't know you, but I don't need to know that this is how your last years went. You do not have any drastic illnesses with which you could not become more fulfilled and more happy than 99.9% of the other healthy people on this planet. What's that old saying again? Some people dance in the rain, other just get wet. You're already wet, so why not start dancing?
My OCD is hereditary, although it's a bit iffy to trace it. My aunt has it and then we're not sure on the rest of the family as this diagnosis wasn't that common 40-50 years ago. I take medications for it, didn't have great results with therapy. I do appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me, and you're right, I came off a bit too negative and I try not to be that person. Last week was a bit shitty for me mentally, but now it's in the past. This week won't be shit, I really believe in that support group thing of "just for today" although it's my neanderthal interpretation of it. I was down for a few days, but today that won't be the case.

That being said, come on bro, we need a vaccine lol. I don't know how things are where you live, but here in Brazil it's absolutely FUBAR.
 
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Darkmakaimura

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Dec 12, 2008
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Well more great news.

Besides having to resort to food banks and already having bad experiences with that (see here: https://www.neogaf.com/threads/bare-foot-wine.1561267/post-259767777) I now also lost my buspirone prescription.

Turns out I dropped in the house and my lovely little dachshund ran off with it, chewed up the bottle and my pills were all dispersed outside where she does her business.

So I called my psychiatrist. Actually just receptionist and told them my situation and if I can get a new fill to cover me until the 9th or 10th of September.

So the receptionist saya she'll "leave a note regarding the request" to the psychiatrist. Meanwhile I'm without one of my meds and nobody so far has called in the pharmacy. This is how you get treated on Medicaid because you're just viewed as a lowlife who cannot afford insurance.

Edit: love it too how their lines is always busy.

I really don't feel good at this very moment.
 
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Darkmakaimura

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To add injury to insult, I was able to get my buspirone today except....

I had to chase down my doctor and then the pharmacy who screwed up by not checking the voice messaging. When I finally got all taken I was told my meds would be ready by 2pm but they weren't ready until 2:45 pm.

And it gets better.

I gad to pay $4 to get them because it's an early refill.

Now I wouldn't have been upset about this except nobody at the pharmacy or psychiatrist told me this is advance AND I have literally have almost nothing to my name. I have $1.32 in my bank account.

I had to return home and borrow $4 ($5 because they didn't have small change) from a neighbor I know a couple houses down.

All this while going back in 115 degree heat here in Vegas.

Fuck everything. I'm livid.
 

Lionel Richie

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Jun 22, 2014
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"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

Expect nothing. Whatever comes is a bonus. That's the lesson I learned (again) this week. We got this baby.
 

MaestroMike

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Sep 25, 2011
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this week on the train at my last stop to work i popped open my chocolate smoothie that i made the night before and it erupted like a fukking volcano splashing all over me, my hair and on the seat and floor. luckily no one was around i immediately bounced that train car to another one and went back home to change. took an hour to go back the other way i looked like I had sh!t all over me !! sorry cleaning person that had to clean up that mess and probably thought it was dung
 
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Lionel Richie

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this week on the train at my last stop to work i popped open my chocolate smoothie that i made the night before and it erupted like a fukking volcano splashing all over me, my hair and on the seat and floor. luckily no one was around i immediately bounced that train car to another one and went back home to change. took an hour to go back the other way i looked like I had sh!t all over me !! sorry cleaning person that had to clean up that mess and probably thought it was dung
Ok bro, we can pretend you didn't just shart that train to oblivion.
 
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I've been doing this for just over 2 weeks. It's trippy as fuck. Bonus feeling is to do pushups at the end while holding breath and feel your head explode. I've did cold baths a lot of the days, still not sure about those completely, though I am taking nothing but cold showers now without much effort.

 
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BigBooper

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Feb 28, 2018
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Anyone else do triage for life's stresses? I've never done therapy, but I think that may be a technique called mental compartmentalization. In a way it's like the serenity prayer; changing the things you can, and recognizing the things you can't. Only this also assigns levels of concern.

Anyways, I don't want to rewrite a psychoanalysis course. I'm not too interested in it. A few years ago though, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I've been trying various treatments the past few years with no positive reports, just getting progressively worse, albeit slowly, thankfully. The stress of the diagnosis and starting on treatments and readjusting my life had me at a breaking point. I never felt suicidal. I would never want to further hurt friends and family, but mentally and emotionally I turned into mush.

I started really embracing compartmentalizing problems into things I can change and things I can't, and further into things I can change quickly and things that would take longer. It really helped me to not only not worry about the things I couldn't change, but also to worry less about the changes that would require more time. It seems simple, but it saved me.

Also, I've had my first good news in my most recent scan results that most of the tumors have shrunk.:messenger_beaming:
 
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Kev Kev

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Anyone else do triage for life's stresses? I've never done therapy, but I think that may be a technique called mental compartmentalization. In a way it's like the serenity prayer; changing the things you can, and recognizing the things you can't. Only this also assigns levels of concern.

Anyways, I don't want to rewrite a psychoanalysis course. I'm not too interested in it. A few years ago though, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I've been trying various treatments the past few years with no positive reports, just getting progressively worse, albeit slowly, thankfully. The stress of the diagnosis and starting on treatments and readjusting my life had me at a breaking point. I never felt suicidal. I would never want to further hurt friends and family, but mentally and emotionally I turned into mush.

I started really embracing compartmentalizing problems into things I can change and things I can't, and further into things I can change quickly and things that would take longer. It really helped me to not only not worry about the things I couldn't change, but also to worry less about the changes that would require more time. It seems simple, but it saved me.

Also, I've had my first good news in my most recent scan results that most of the tumors have shrunk.:messenger_beaming:
dude thats amazing! congratulations and keep it goin, you got this!💪 and i really like what you said about compartmentalizing. i think i may need to do some of that myself. thanks for that :)

so, not sure if im posting here to just get it off my chest, or if i actually want advice, or if im just wallowing, but my depression has been pretty bad lately. the medical marijuana helps a lot (i never want to go back to feeling this way and not having some weed to make me feel a little better), but it's not the answer of course.

like i was telling my brother the other day (also experiences depression/anxiety and benefits from medical mary jane), it's like a tool, and you should have many tools and they need to stay sharp. if you use one tool too much, it gets dull and less effective. you need to use all of your tools everyday, and you need to know when its time to put that tool away, or find a new one.

thats all well and good, but the real problem right now is i havent eaten much in the last three days, and there is no end in sight... i just dont want to. i have zero appetite, and im just mega numb and empty and sad all day. 2 days ago, i went the whole day blocking out the thing thats triggering me, like completely blocked it out/pushed it down or whatever you want call it, and it was a mostly okay/neutral day... but then i realized at the end of the day that i didnt eat anything. had a couple bagels yesterday and i havent worked myself up to forcing anything down today (its about 3 pm right now... havent slept much in the last three days either)

anyone have experience with this and have some feedback/advice/anything? i mean, obviously i know i need to eat, but its not that simple right now. my mind is fucking me lol, thinking about eating something right now is like thinking about going downstairs and smashing my dick in the car door. not fucking happenin. and its a really, really bizarre feeling if youve never had it... no idea how to explain, its just like im offended by the idea of eating anything right now lol... but no, seriously, its bad and i know i have to eat something eventually, but if someone has some tips or tricks on how to get my mind ready for that, it's be much appreciated

for some context, i dont want to go into it too much, but it is a particular event thats triggering me. and back then when this event happened i also stopped eating, and what im experiencing now is almost exactly the same and almost as intense as that was (but not quite... i dunno if anything will ever be that bad again). it happened about 2011, took me 5 years and an alcohol addiction to finally let it go, everything has been great for the last few years, but somewhere around summer 2019 things got bad, and it's been a mostly downward trend since then. and just this last week or so, i started dwelling on all that shit again, running back all the scenarios all the what if's all of the i should haves and i shouldn't have and just so many bad decisions i've made since then... and it laid hold of me and i haven't been able to shake it

and here i am. right back at square one. its like everything came full circle and i accomplished nothing. i feel almost every bit as bad as back then, and im running through all the same thoughts and emotions and hysteria in my mind just like i was doing back then. and not gonna lie, watching my depression manifest itself into reality (i lost 5ish pounds since saturday and went down a hole on my belt) has me really freaked out right now lol. i can still be pretty jovial about it and stay in good spirits, but man... the truth is im hurting pretty bad on the inside right now. thinking about it though, i do feel a tiny bit better having typed this out, so thats something...

anyway, my brother started therapy a couple months ago and suggested i do the same. im really optimistic that it will be helpful for me. hope you all are trying to keep your heads up out there. i know its hard.

tl;dr holy shit sorry for the book guys. basically im depressed and i havent eaten anything in three days and im looking for help or advice on how to want to eat something
 
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