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Hello Gaf, this is my story (of mental illness)

The_Mike

Member
Hello Gaf. I only check up on gaming discussion, so I don't know if anyone from the gaming forum actually reads here, or if everyone are active on both topics.

I'm Mike, I am in my mid thirties, and I have been on Gaf in a couple of years. I don't know how many actually, since I have lurked in here for years.

Its no secret that my preferred platform of choice in here has always been Xbox. I was a true front warrior when I came here.
I never really "hated" other platform, but I was very vocal in what I liked about one, and disliked about other.

I've since then jumped back as a PC gamer, and now back to Xbox old gen because of burned GPU (and some still believes in lying about this given my history in here.)

When I finally after several of years of lurking got accepted on Gaf, I was happy. It felt like the last gaming forum on the Internet. I dislike reddit, even though I've used it a lot the last two years.

I have always been very impulsive with posting. Like, literally.

If I see some troll post or some fanboy post, I impulsively "retaliate", and joins the fray. I was close to take it personal, as the one thing I liked were somehow attacked. Writing it now make it seems so immature and stupid, but I guess all the reasoning comes later.

Since I was a teenager I spend doing in self harm and suicidal thoughts. The cliche with no parents or family that gave a damn and no friends is so vomiting to type, but it is what it is. I've always felt i didn't belong in this world.

Fast forwarding, after losing my long time job my world collapsed, as the safe net i had was rug pulled under me. I was suicidal again, got into clinical help, but it's very limited where I live and all they do is shallow talking.
I got my current gf, and got a new job i loved. Everything was good. My gf and I had struggled for a few years getting a child, and after I went on my manic spree she finally got pregnant.

I did everything for the boss to like me and they kept saying they'd hire me. After treating myself like shit they decided to fire me.

Again no job or anything. A few months later my trusty dog of 12 years dies. He died of old age, couldn't have asked for a better farewell, but it collided with my fragile world.

I know people see it as selfish, but I was having suicidal thoughts again. I was down in a insane shit hotel and I saw no way of getting up. I went in and out for clinical help, but there's only so much they can do. I was drinking like I wanted to drown in my sorrow and didn't give a fuck. I'm surprised my gf has been on my side this whole time, cus boy I've been a fuck head.

After coming out better she has actually told me there were times she thought I was too much and just wanted to go. That did hit me a lot, but she still being here shows how much she loves me.

After long struggle I finally got an appointment to a psychiatrist. I've always been the curious type,so I've studied my patterns and came to the conclusion myself that I might have bipolar type 2 disorder. She didn't believe me as its so rare that no one has it, and pumped me with anti depressants and shit that made me manic as hell, a side effect from suffering on bipolar.

I was listed to a public hospital, which gave me the diagnose of bipolar type 2 and emotional personal disorder, and gave me the right treatment.

Because I was so fragile, we had the municipality over our kids because they fear I would kill my family, which was also a blow to my dignity. I've never intended to hurt the ones I love. I've never struck any person in my life, but I have physical and emotional scars everywhere.

I have two daughters. Fuck this is so hard. I only have one today because my other daughter passed December 2021 due to complications after sudden illness. I drank like fuck again and have been suicidal a lot since. I got a haste appointment with the doctors again where I got Quetiapin. I'm doped as fuck atm, and I can't really feel anything. I can't feel the depression and suicidal thoughts. But I can't find joy in life either.

I smile when I see my pretty daughter. But I feel numb. The same when I see my Gf. I know it's there, because I tried removing some of my meds, where my bad state returned so I'm on it again.

I have suffered from all this while being active on Gaf. I love Gaf, I love you all. I just wanted to tell, that I never had intentions of being an edgy fanboy ass hole or attack anyone.

This is not to get some easy points to escape from my past. I'm proud of it. I have done bad posts, but it was because of who I am. Who I was. What I struggled with.

I think I'm a better person since then. I recently learned that I don't have to reply to everyone quoting me and start trolling shit or anything.

And I've learned to simply putting people on ignore in here instead of being pulled down on their level, and just ignore them instead.

I know I will still be judged from what I have done. I just hope that I will eventually be here long enough, to show that I have improved to be a better person.

I just got the idea of posting this from another thread, where I got my posts deleted for being fanboy or trolling.

My judgment might be off still, but sometimes I feel my posts doesn't get seen as just being fun, but as pathetic baiting and trolling, because I once could be like that.

Thank you all for reading. I actually never thought about doing a thread like this, since I fear that someone might use it against me. But fuck it. I want to tell all of you why I've been like this, what I have been struggling with since I became a poster on Gaf

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don't mind being open about it in here, since my username in here is not tied to anything else like gamer tags or anything. There's of course a lot more to my case, but there's no reason to drag it out when it's not important to know everything.

Also, remember if you struggle with suicidal thoughts or anything, reach out to people before it's too late.

Im still bering eating up from inside over i was so mentally away and depressed up until my daughters passing, and try to not make the same mistake with my other daughter.

Just remember, there's someone out there caring for you.

I am tagging GHG GHG , adamsapple adamsapple and tommib tommib because they showed interest for my mentally problems in the other thread, and that I don't know if anyone on the gaming forum reads in here.

Thank you. And thank you tommib tommib to give me strength to write this. I'm gonna bomb your DM if this bites me! (just kidding)

Edit - I also forgot to tell I'm a victim on impulsive posting. I often have an edit on my post instantly after posting because I realised it was fucking dumb and it needed more context. And I fall into bait still.
 
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adamsapple

Or is it just one of Phil's balls in my throat?
I'm terribly sorry about all that you've lost but remember that all the bad times will pass. Take solace in your loved ones, your daughter and your GF. Always talk to them if you ever start getting impulsive thoughts again. And, yes, if you ever feel like any user/post/topic is getting too much, just put it on ignore. It isn't worth it.

You are not alone, never forget that !
 

GHG

Member
Man it sounds like you've been through a lot and credit to you for having the strength to share it with everyone.

At the end of the day none of us are perfect, we all go through our own shit but the most important thing is that we go through that shit together and lift each other up to come out the other side better men.

One thing I've realised about this place after the split is that people can share stuff like this without fear of being judged or shunned.

Don't be afraid to talk on here, stay positive and keep on going. Better days ahead.

 

Jaybe

Member
You’re incredibly strong The_Mike The_Mike
Thanks for speaking out and sharing your story.
GAF people are very supportive on these serious topics.
I’m glad you’re getting more and more awareness and treatment.
 

ChoosableOne

ChoosableAll
Wow mate, hope you get well soon. Internet is such a cruel cruel world. We don't know the other person we are arguing IRL and it can be harmful for both parties. Just don't take internet so seriously and you will be fine. Xbox sucks though
 

tommib

Gold Member
Dude, we should be super thankful for you to have the guts to post your story. You’ve been through a lot and I always get the feeling that a significant part of GAF carries similar weight.

Sharing your story helps anyone who reads it and who might recognise some of the issues. Things will only get better if you’ve managed to come this far and with so much strength. I’ve also had my share of fucked up periods/years and I couldn’t be happier these days.

Troll my Sony Pony ass all the time. In the end, we all care about each other.
 

TheInfamousKira

Reseterror Resettler
Hello Gaf. I only check up on gaming discussion, so I don't know if anyone from the gaming forum actually reads here, or if everyone are active on both topics.

I'm Mike, I am in my mid thirties, and I have been on Gaf in a couple of years. I don't know how many actually, since I have lurked in here for years.

Its no secret that my preferred platform of choice in here has always been Xbox. I was a true front warrior when I came here.
I never really "hated" other platform, but I was very vocal in what I liked about one, and disliked about other.

I've since then jumped back as a PC gamer, and now back to Xbox old gen because of burned GPU (and some still believes in lying about this given my history in here.)

When I finally after several of years of lurking got accepted on Gaf, I was happy. It felt like the last gaming forum on the Internet. I dislike reddit, even though I've used it a lot the last two years.

I have always been very impulsive with posting. Like, literally.

If I see some troll post or some fanboy post, I impulsively "retaliate", and joins the fray. I was close to take it personal, as the one thing I liked were somehow attacked. Writing it now make it seems so immature and stupid, but I guess all the reasoning comes later.

Since I was a teenager I spend doing in self harm and suicidal thoughts. The cliche with no parents or family that gave a damn and no friends is so vomiting to type, but it is what it is. I've always felt i didn't belong in this world.

Fast forwarding, after losing my long time job my world collapsed, as the safe net i had was rug pulled under me. I was suicidal again, got into clinical help, but it's very limited where I live and all they do is shallow talking.
I got my current gf, and got a new job i loved. Everything was good. My gf and I had struggled for a few years getting a child, and after I went on my manic spree she finally got pregnant.

I did everything for the boss to like me and they kept saying they'd hire me. After treating myself like shit they decided to fire me.

Again no job or anything. A few months later my trusty dog of 12 years dies. He died of old age, couldn't have asked for a better farewell, but it collided with my fragile world.

I know people see it as selfish, but I was having suicidal thoughts again. I was down in a insane shit hotel and I saw no way of getting up. I went in and out for clinical help, but there's only so much they can do. I was drinking like I wanted to drown in my sorrow and didn't give a fuck. I'm surprised my gf has been on my side this whole time, cus boy I've been a fuck head.

After coming out better she has actually told me there were times she thought I was too much and just wanted to go. That did hit me a lot, but she still being here shows how much she loves me.

After long struggle I finally got an appointment to a psychiatrist. I've always been the curious type,so I've studied my patterns and came to the conclusion myself that I might have bipolar type 2 disorder. She didn't believe me as its so rare that no one has it, and pumped me with anti depressants and shit that made me manic as hell, a side effect from suffering on bipolar.

I was listed to a public hospital, which gave me the diagnose of bipolar type 2 and emotional personal disorder, and gave me the right treatment.

Because I was so fragile, we had the municipality over our kids because they fear I would kill my family, which was also a blow to my dignity. I've never intended to hurt the ones I love. I've never struck any person in my life, but I have physical and emotional scars everywhere.

I have two daughters. Fuck this is so hard. I only have one today because my other daughter passed December 2021 due to complications after sudden illness. I drank like fuck again and have been suicidal a lot since. I got a haste appointment with the doctors again where I got Quetiapin. I'm doped as fuck atm, and I can't really feel anything. I can't feel the depression and suicidal thoughts. But I can't find joy in life either.

I smile when I see my pretty daughter. But I feel numb. The same when I see my Gf. I know it's there, because I tried removing some of my meds, where my bad state returned so I'm on it again.

I have suffered from all this while being active on Gaf. I love Gaf, I love you all. I just wanted to tell, that I never had intentions of being an edgy fanboy ass hole or attack anyone.

This is not to get some easy points to escape from my past. I'm proud of it. I have done bad posts, but it was because of who I am. Who I was. What I struggled with.

I think I'm a better person since then. I recently learned that I don't have to reply to everyone quoting me and start trolling shit or anything.

And I've learned to simply putting people on ignore in here instead of being pulled down on their level, and just ignore them instead.

I know I will still be judged from what I have done. I just hope that I will eventually be here long enough, to show that I have improved to be a better person.

I just got the idea of posting this from another thread, where I got my posts deleted for being fanboy or trolling.

My judgment might be off still, but sometimes I feel my posts doesn't get seen as just being fun, but as pathetic baiting and trolling, because I once could be like that.

Thank you all for reading. I actually never thought about doing a thread like this, since I fear that someone might use it against me. But fuck it. I want to tell all of you why I've been like this, what I have been struggling with since I became a poster on Gaf

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don't mind being open about it in here, since my username in here is not tied to anything else like gamer tags or anything. There's of course a lot more to my case, but there's no reason to drag it out when it's not important to know everything.

Also, remember if you struggle with suicidal thoughts or anything, reach out to people before it's too late.

Im still bering eating up from inside over i was so mentally away and depressed up until my daughters passing, and try to not make the same mistake with my other daughter.

Just remember, there's someone out there caring for you.

I am tagging GHG GHG , adamsapple adamsapple and tommib tommib because they showed interest for my mentally problems in the other thread, and that I don't know if anyone on the gaming forum reads in here.

Thank you. And thank you tommib tommib to give me strength to write this. I'm gonna bomb your DM if this bites me! (just kidding)

Edit - I also forgot to tell I'm a victim on impulsive posting. I often have an edit on my post instantly after posting because I realised it was fucking dumb and it needed more context. And I fall into bait still.

I'm not trying to minimize or act like this is the pain Olympics, but you definitely aren't alone in things. To struggle and to err is to be human, in which case, we've all got scars, and shame and things that color parts of our lives, even down to our posting habits and such.

To me, this forum is all in good fun. Even the debates and shitposts, it's all kind of meta to me. GAF is great, because it allows me to argue with people I'd never argue with in real life, and become pals with people I would never approach in real life, either. I think anyone taking this place TOO seriously has already made a hentai thread and given 25 people gold accounts, so...

Just don't worry about it. Take care of you, take care of your family, and don't give up. Things In life are cyclical, and not fixed. You sound like a humble person, so your heart is in the right place, you just gotta get your chemicals evened out. Go outside. Take a walk. Do something out of your routine. Ground yourself with the knowledge that life is only dreary and routine because that's what you settle for, and be spontaneous, it might be the spark that you need in your life. Either way, keep going.
 

bootaski

Member
Hey man, I was diagnosed schizoaffective in 2003. I've also had problems with suicidal thoughts and self-harm. What helps me is thinking of the things I appreciate in life, that are hard to give up, and focusing on treasuring those.
 

The_Mike

Member
I'm terribly sorry about all that you've lost but remember that all the bad times will pass. Take solace in your loved ones, your daughter and your GF. Always talk to them if you ever start getting impulsive thoughts again. And, yes, if you ever feel like any user/post/topic is getting too much, just put it on ignore. It isn't worth it.

You are not alone, never forget that !
Thanks. Yeah I talk to my gf about it, but before med I was a living hell to be near.

I can feel I have a depressed period atm, but it's damped with my Q med.

But I've come far since the beginning. It was such a relief to know why I was different. Always heard I was stupid and so on before I found out.

Even my parents to this day won't accept I am diagnosed. They see it as a defeat.

I can have all the perfect going on in my life. My gf, my beloved daughter.

But when the switch gets turned off idgaf everything feels like shit just want to self harm seek trouble fuck everything up because my mind is so fucked up during these trips

Man it sounds like you've been through a lot and credit to you for having the strength to share it with everyone.

At the end of the day none of us are perfect, we all go through our own shit but the most important thing is that we go through that shit together and lift each other up to come out the other side better men.

One thing I've realised about this place after the split is that people can share stuff like this without fear of being judged or shunned.

Don't be afraid to talk on here, stay positive and keep on going. Better days ahead.

Thanks for the kind words.

When I turned manic as hell late last year I got a shit load of mod warnings and temp bans. I thought about posting about my life back then but I feared if it would be used against me, and my manic episodes makes it hard for me to concentrate on serious subjects.
You’re incredibly strong The_Mike The_Mike
Thanks for speaking out and sharing your story.
GAF people are very supportive on these serious topics.
I’m glad you’re getting more and more awareness and treatment.
Thanks. Yeah it's actually nice to see the support, but I'm also happy to explain why I can be complicated and kinda switch so heavily in my posts.
 

The_Mike

Member
Wow mate, hope you get well soon. Internet is such a cruel cruel world. We don't know the other person we are arguing IRL and it can be harmful for both parties. Just don't take internet so seriously and you will be fine. Xbox sucks though


J/k but thanks for your support.

The internet comment sections are always guerilla warfare but being anonymous just makes it easier to not give a f about the consequences.

I've always feared of getting banned in here, cus I enjoy being here.

I know that I technically could just stop, but being driven by being impulsive just makes it so hard to always resist.
 

laynelane

Member
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I can't even imagine what you're going through dealing with it. Thank you for sharing your story. I too deal with some of the things you spoke of and admire your courage and strength to speak up.

Wishing all the best to you and your family.
 
I'm so sorry man, thats a fucking terrible hand you've been dealt. I'm hoping things start getting better soon.

FWIW I do find your posts funny and not pathetic, this is a lighthearted website despite people taking stuff too seriously sometimes, but that is part of the fun.


You still have a lot to live for and a beautiful family, the best thing you can do to honor the memory of your lost daughter is to protect and treasure her sister and her mom. Hang in there bud, better times ahead.
 
I'm sorry you're going through so much.

You're clearly a sensitive person at heart and deserved better luck. Our generation far and wide have been dealt a bad hand at the game, we're bound to have crisis after crisis and no stability. When things go wrong above and beyond that I feel that it can easily destroy us.

Whatever cracks we have in our beings will show a lot more, than if we had more progression, better pay, more control over our life's. It's just unfortunate and why I think we're so protective for our kids, they're often our reason to live too, it's impossible not to worry about their future in what's not a good outlook. For my parents, and my grandparents, the kids future always seemed better/easier than their own. Possibilities were endless.

Don't give up. I've always heard the phrase in my family, "the thing about good and bad, is that they never last forever", that's true for good times and for bad times. Something like that. Life will always get better when it's really bad. Life will sadly always get worse when you hit a pinnacle. When things go too well I wonder about that, "is this the pinnacle?" and it might be, but whenever I reach it I think it was worth it.

As for the nature of forums, it's an outlet for a lot of people. People who come in to vent or just to have a confrontation most likely avoid it in real-life, people who take it too seriously are probably frustrated with life too. We're probably all here for a reason, basically.

This said, I think people should cherish the anonymity of being on a forum. Whatever you do out here, it's okay, and you either did it because you wanted to, or needed to. That's the most important. Who cares if you get banned for it, it's not like you actually hurt someone as there are boundaries. (for this is not kiwi farms) My advise is don't worry about what other people think about your posts if you think they're funny, if it's funny for you then it's worth it :) and as with everything on brand like that, some people will think it's hysterical, some won't get it. Sometimes people not getting it is also funny.
 
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