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JBourne
maybe tomorrow it rains
(05-23-2013, 09:49 PM)
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Originally Posted by Magilla

Mine involves a counter-clockwise swirl.

You don't just steal someone else's move!
salva
Banned
(05-23-2013, 09:52 PM)
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This is my favorite thread of the year.

OP, do you really do all that shit? I just start making out with the girl and gradually feel her and remove her clothes. Then we bang and I leave.
The Wanderer
Banned
(05-23-2013, 09:52 PM)

Originally Posted by Krauser Kat

it happens all sorts of ways. Picking her up and just throwing her onto the bed is a pretty good start. Making a really good diner for her also a great wayOr you know just straight telling or asking for it.

That seems quite laborious.
Red Liquorice
needs to check himself
(05-23-2013, 09:53 PM)
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Originally Posted by CrankyJay

Fuck you....

Once a month...last time I tried to hold out so she would initiate and I went 2 months before I caved.

No wonder you're cranky, Jay.
besada
Banned
(05-23-2013, 09:54 PM)
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Originally Posted by SlipperySlope

Not to derail, but how often do you guys have sex? For me, it averages about twice a week. Married.

About the same, married for 18 years.
SlipperySlope
Banned
(05-23-2013, 09:54 PM)
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Originally Posted by SlipperySlope

Not to derail, but how often do you guys have sex? For me, it averages about twice a week. Married.

I'll repost my question for the new page.
FStop7
Banned
(05-23-2013, 09:57 PM)
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tell me what u wantd

what u rly rly wantd

gud smel
salva
Banned
(05-23-2013, 09:57 PM)
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Originally Posted by SlipperySlope

I'll repost my question for the new page.

2-3 times a week.
Acorn
Member
(05-23-2013, 09:58 PM)
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Originally Posted by FStop7



tell me what u wantd

what u rly rly wantd

gud smel

97 Damn I'm old.
tearsofash
Member
(05-23-2013, 09:59 PM)
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I ask her if it's her period.
B-B-Bomba!
Member
(05-23-2013, 09:59 PM)
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I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

Fucking hell this thread lmao thank you!
SneakyStephan
Banned
(05-23-2013, 10:01 PM)
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The things in the OP man, haha.

only on gaf. (and 4chan)
CrankyJay
Banned
(05-23-2013, 10:02 PM)
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Originally Posted by Red Liquorice

No wonder you're cranky, Jay.

Exactly!
akira28
Banned
(05-23-2013, 10:04 PM)
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in her head "uh oh, he's talking slow again...that means he wants to bang"
Devolution
the fabulous one
(05-23-2013, 10:05 PM)

Originally Posted by JustHadToJoin

I'm really curious about the end. I always have some sort of improvised cumrag around for when I'm ready. I haven't been lucky enough to be with many women who want it on their body, but I've also been lucky enough to be in longer relationships so I always came inside. but it has to come back out and I hate it on my bed. So I just put her on a towel I had nearby or t shirt or blanket or whatever and let it drip onto that. What do other people do? I feel like its weird to do what I do here. You all just let it flow out and then change your sheets? still stains the mattress that way..

this all goes out the window after 7 shots sadly

How do you put in work?

o_O
RukusProvider
Banned
(05-23-2013, 10:09 PM)

Originally Posted by JustHadToJoin

Been thinking about sex all day and I got to thinking.. I wonder how other people initiate/end sex? You can only ever see what you do right? How do you change the mood from hanging out to horny? How do you get her to the point where she opens up and lets you dive in? At what point does he get turned on by you enough and decide to lay you down? And at the end how do y'all keep your stuff clean?

I know it shouldn't be the identical all the time but everyone has patterns that work. Here's my routine

Ignoring whats happened in the past couple minutes or hours or whatever, whenever I want to change the mood I begin to take long pauses in between her comments and questions. In between comments so she wonders what I'm thinking and in between questions so she starts to make more eye contact while waiting for a response.

I'll be sure to strengthen bass in my voice a bit more than usual, and I'll slow down my responses a bit..it feels like the rumble of bass echoes into her.

I'll start to speak more forcefully, personally, and interact more directly. For example, should she ask, "you know what I wanted earlier today?" my response isn't, "what?" My response is (remembering to pause for 1/2 - 1.5 seconds) "tell me what you wanted" with direct eye contact and stroking the bass.

Once I notice that she is having trouble continuing normal conversations (not stuttering, but its clear that I'm inside her mind is she is thinking about it-this is plain and obvious) I'll figure out some compliment to bring her my way. "Is that the perfume you bought last week? Come here....gud smel... wow...such scent. "

/touching /kissing /eye contact /seduction

Put on music and I always dive in first. only because women take so much more more to get ready. Theres no routine during however.

I'm really curious about the end. I always have some sort of improvised cumrag around for when I'm ready. I haven't been lucky enough to be with many women who want it on their body, but I've also been lucky enough to be in longer relationships so I always came inside. but it has to come back out and I hate it on my bed. So I just put her on a towel I had nearby or t shirt or blanket or whatever and let it drip onto that. What do other people do? I feel like its weird to do what I do here. You all just let it flow out and then change your sheets? still stains the mattress that way..

this all goes out the window after 7 shots sadly

How do you put in work?


#creepy
Hypereides
Member
(05-23-2013, 10:15 PM)
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I don't have a routine, I love foreplay though. These are kinda the following steps I prefer to do:

1. move in from behind, take my hand around her neck, the place the other around her stomach, kiss, bite and lick her earlobe.

2. caress her neck and shoulder area. Prererably in front a mirror to make eye contact with her aswell. Its great if she starts moaning.

3. Stroke/scratch her thighs with my hands.

4. Turn her around with force, push her up against a wall.

5. Spread her legs with my feet.

After that, I don't know... I try to improvise and mix it up.
HylianTom
Banned
(05-23-2013, 10:20 PM)
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Well, first we have to make a few decisions:
- glasses on or off?
- hair up or down?

Then, we have to get the lights down loooow.. can't have any light. I like it dark, where there isn't even any light coming in from under the door.
saizo
Member
(05-23-2013, 10:22 PM)
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I like to fumble around in brief moments of panic while I struggle getting the unnecessary 3 hooks off of the bra.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
(05-23-2013, 10:30 PM)
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I get in bed and put the sheets on top of me and then go at it. I'm an easy lay
Lazy Man's Wallpaper
Member
(05-23-2013, 10:34 PM)
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Originally Posted by Brian Griffin

"Baby's asleep, wanna fuck?"

"Shit yeah!"

*fuck*

*finish*

"Goddamn that was awesome."

*cleanup in the bathroom and she has to pee because bladder infections*

"Wanna snuggle on the couch and watch TV?"

"Shit yeah!"

The spoken lines can be said be either one of us. Married sex is simple sex and best sex.

Let me guess, you also have a 2.5 year old? Because I could have posted this verbatim myself.
U2NUMB
Member
(05-23-2013, 10:36 PM)
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1)Check to see if the fleshlight is clean.. if so proceed

2)If not wash it.. proceed

3)Sleep time
LabouredSubterfuge
Member
(05-23-2013, 10:38 PM)
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Originally Posted by Blair

:lol
Raiden
prruuwuu
(05-23-2013, 10:55 PM)
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Newline
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:01 PM)
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I get horny, i move to her, kiss her and hey presto. Its either on or its not.
Brian Griffin
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:02 PM)
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Originally Posted by Lazy Man's Wallpaper

Let me guess, you also have a 2.5 year old? Because I could have posted this verbatim myself.

8 month old. She goes to bed around 8-8:30 and stays asleep until 7ish the next morning. We pretty much won the baby lottery as far as sleep patterns go.

Originally Posted by CrankyJay

What's your secret? Baby wipes out my wife (yes, I do help with baby) and she's just not interested.

My wife is a pretty horny person in general and she reads a lot of erotica too, so that helps. I'm also pretty affectionate towards her (not saying you aren't). At this point it's a reflex to start massaging her feet, legs, back and sometimes other stuff if they are within reach. Chicks love massages.
Katzii
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:06 PM)
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Originally Posted by JustHadToJoin

I'll be sure to strengthen bass in my voice a bit more than usual

"What if I talk like this?"
Deified Data
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:07 PM)
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Originally Posted by DoctorWho

Routine?

When it becomes routine, you're doing it wrong.

Pretty much this. Try to keep things unpredictable. Your partner hates feeling like they're obligated to have sex with you at 'x' time after 'x' minutes of foreplay after having spent 'x' dollars on dinner.
Az987
all good things
(05-23-2013, 11:09 PM)
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I take my shirt off, get an erection and tell her I have a present for her.

Works every time.
FrenchToastDisciple
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:11 PM)
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Jesus, I can't stop laughing at the OP. Best laugh I've had all week. I'm sure the OP is a decent guy and all, and it's all a bit less ridiculous in practice, but jeez, that is a strange seduction approach.
Papercuts
fired zero bullets in the orphanage.
(05-23-2013, 11:13 PM)
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That's the funniest OP I read in awhile. No need to think about this stuff ahead of time, just do everything in the heat of the moment and roll with it.
stufte
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:14 PM)
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Tell her you have a stimulus package you'd like to "introduce" to her "senate". Works 100%, 60% of the time.
ThoughtsOfSpeaking
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:15 PM)
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I dont know if this is a joke thread so im not going to go into detail. I will say this though. No man has every gone wrong with soft kisses on the neck, followed by a blast of cool air on the now moist skin.
Lord British
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:16 PM)
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Originally Posted by Katzii

"What if I talk like this?"

I gave my love a chicken

It had no bones
besada
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:17 PM)
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Originally Posted by ThoughtsOfSpeaking

I dont know if this is a joke thread so im not going to go into detail. I will say this though. No man has every gone wrong with soft kisses on the neck, followed by a blast of cool air on the now moist skin.

I do that a little lower than the neck...
Various Artists
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:20 PM)
Bwahahaha "wow... Such scent!"
ThoughtsOfSpeaking
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:22 PM)
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Originally Posted by besada

I do that a little lower than the neck...

That comes later. Im just talking about getting her in the mood.
shortyme
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:22 PM)
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Originally Posted by LabouredSubterfuge

"Come here....gud smel... wow...such scent. "

And then anal.

Ya, this is pretty much how you work ;)
JonathanEx
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:29 PM)
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In out, in out, shake it all about.



Do the hokey kokey and I turn around. That's what it's all about.
besada
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:29 PM)
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Originally Posted by ThoughtsOfSpeaking

That comes later. Im just talking about getting her in the mood.

You don't just walk up to her and shove your head between her legs? Weird...
Sane_Man
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:41 PM)
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Originally Posted by Steamlord

Can somebody please do a dramatic reading of this

I tried my best.
CrankyJay
Banned
(05-23-2013, 11:43 PM)
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Originally Posted by Brian Griffin

8 month old. She goes to bed around 8-8:30 and stays asleep until 7ish the next morning. We pretty much won the baby lottery as far as sleep patterns go.

My wife is a pretty horny person in general and she reads a lot of erotica too, so that helps. I'm also pretty affectionate towards her (not saying you aren't). At this point it's a reflex to start massaging her feet, legs, back and sometimes other stuff if they are within reach. Chicks love massages.

I'll give it a try, I think we're just out of sync with one another.

I think the issue right now is it hurts for her ever since she gave birth to our daughter...so she gets scared for a month, but I think with some frequency it should help with the pain. I dunno.
shortyme
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:45 PM)
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Originally Posted by Sane_Man

I tried my best.

Jesus, that is incredibly creepy.
Draper
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:46 PM)
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Originally Posted by Sane_Man

I tried my best.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Steamlord
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:51 PM)
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Originally Posted by Sane_Man

I tried my best.

holy shit
Rehynn
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:52 PM)
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Originally Posted by NeoCTN

What in the fuck...

At what point to you chop her up into pieces?

My roommate is asleep and my head is about to explode from trying to contain my laughter.
BeerSnob
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:53 PM)
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1. Confirm launch codes
2. Engage pre-launch checks
3. Confirm targeting
4. Attempt to acquire new target of opportunity
5. ...
6. Apologize to command
7. Launch missile.
8. Activate sleep mode.
Plywood
NeoGAF's smiling token!
(05-23-2013, 11:54 PM)
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Originally Posted by Ezalc

It's ok to cry Plywood.

I'll get mine.
Brian Griffin
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:55 PM)
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Originally Posted by CrankyJay

I'll give it a try, I think we're just out of sync with one another.

I think the issue right now is it hurts for her ever since she gave birth to our daughter...so she gets scared for a month, but I think with some frequency it should help with the pain. I dunno.

We've definitely had the out of sync thing happen more than a few times over the years. If she's having pain she should talk to her doctor because she could have some issue with her pelvic muscles which can cause problems later that aren't just painful sex.

The absolute best thing you can do is talk about it. Sitting around silently wanting sex and not voicing it just makes it worse.

Originally Posted by Sane_Man

I tried my best.

O_O
johnny_park
Member
(05-23-2013, 11:57 PM)
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Originally Posted by Sane_Man

I tried my best.

Wow!

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